To have challenged my boss over “blonde moment” comment?

[Monkeytrousers04]

Just that really. I pointed out a minor oversight that my supervisor made at work and his response was to say he had a “blonde moment”. This was all done via teams and in a main group chat. The rest of the team are all women. Four of whom have blonde hair, not that it really matters.

I replied to this saying “implying what?! haha” (my exact words as I was trying to keep it light as is our usually team banter). He replied with “I had a blonde moment”. So I said, “given there are four blondes on this team I’d be careful saying that”. He replied with “oh get real, its just a saying and I was directing it at myself”.

I thought he might respond with “oops, sorry ladies” or something else along those lines but no.

We recently all had to attend a mandatory in-person training course all about challenging inappropriate language and behaviour, following some bad press about the organisation being institutionally mysogynistic so I thought I’d give it a go. He has made similar comments before which I have let slide, but I know affected others in the team as we’ve discussed it in a side chat. No one else ever says anything though as they don’t want to rock the boat. One example is when he implied that I wasn’t a “normal woman” as I said I hated shopping.

As a team we basically carry him through his working day and generally turn a blind eye when he takes his 30 min break and returns over an hour later.

But in all honesty, he makes my working day miserable, often choosing to “mansplain” things to me, which I then have to correct as he’s got it wrong. Or completely ignores me or excludes me from team discussions as I might ask some tricky questions… basically, I think he finds me annoying and doesn’t seem to credit me with any intelligence at all.

I accept that what he said is not the most sexist thing a person can say and there are much bigger problems in the world right now, but for me, it’s these little side comments that often go unchallenged and for whatever reason I decided to take him on today, and subsequently lost.

If you go through life looking for offence you’ll find it 👍🏼

@Fannyfiggs I think labelling absolutely everything as misogynistic and offensive just because a bloke has said it discredits real feminism.

Get real, seriously. A bloke saying 'blonde moment' about HIMSELF is nothing to flap over.

I have to admit that it has been a while since I last heard the whole blondes are dumb thing. I remember blonde frequently being used as an insult in the mid to late 00s but I just assumed it had died out. I guess not.

I'm not flapping and I'm absolutely real, seriously.

So if he'd said "oh that was a bit Irish of me" (and wasn't Irish) you'd be fine with that too?
Just checking if it's just sexism that's ok for you or racism too!

So don't do it 👍

When I had that in one English workplace, I raised a complaint with HR, who threw the book at him.

@Nowayhayday Christ, that's a shite comparison, you didn't even try.

If only women were blonde and/or stupid, then I wouldn't agree with it and it would be nice if the guy apologised. But I find it ridiculous that women here are actively trying to claim the phrase just so they can feign offence.

Stop with the bullshit, it can just as easily be said to a man. Don't try to make a serious cause look daft - that's what I really don't agree with.

It's inappropriate. You don't stereotype people on their appearance. Simple as.

OK, this is good. I’m ignoring the “world’s gone mad” responses as the majority of you are saying I was not unreasonable to challenge him, but perhaps my approach was wrong.

Yes I have some long standing issues with his behaviour towards me specifically but also in the way he treats my female colleagues as well.

We all WFH and communicate via teams so it’s really hard to communicate sensitive issues sometimes… It’s also a hierarchical organisation which makes it tricky to flag thing to those above him. I’d have to go sideways first and then upwards but he’s been there a long time and is seemingly well thought of.

I am also not a fan of phrases such as “sorry ladies” but he refers to us, his team, in this way all the time so would have bet on this being his response today.

He is most certainly a “David Brent” character- one time on the chat, when he wasn’t even working, we were discussing a complex issue and the word superhero cropped up. He chimed in from his phone with “did somebody say hero?”

He has short grey hair, I don’t know what colour it was before it went grey.

I have blonde hair (now with silvery shimmers) and dyed it brown for around 5 years in my thirties as I was sick of the stereotypes being hurled at me all the time.

Phew. Feeling better already. Thank you mumsnet.

It is inappropriate and even worse following training as your employer is obviously trying to address poor culture in your workplace.

Well done for calling it out. I agree with the suggestion of a diary.

Next time consider an email to HR.

When the low level misogyny isn't dealt with it enables the really bad stuff to happen.

It’s only a joke, no? I’m over 40 though so maybe I’m being old fashioned

He sounds like a dick in other ways though

The origins of the “dumb blonde”/ “blonde moment” are inherently aimed at women/ about women so it’s not because it was a man that said it that makes it sexist… I would have challenged anyone for saying it… it’s a judgement about someone’s intellectual abilities based on their physical appearance alone, which surely most people can agree is wrong. The fact that he has previous for making gender stereotypical comments just adds to the context of why I felt he was being sexist when he said it.

As a team we basically carry him through his working day and generally turn a blind eye when he takes his 30 min break and returns over an hour later.

But in all honesty, he makes my working day miserable, often choosing to “mansplain” things to me, which I then have to correct as he’s got it wrong. Or completely ignores me or excludes me from team discussions as I might ask some tricky questions
I think you need to be focusing on all this rather than the expression. Does his boss or hr know he's extending his break, presumably twice a day? Does his boss or hr know he excludes you from team discussions?

Wouldn't bother me at all

If you are going to hold others to account for perceived inappropriate language then 1) it is a serious topic, do it privately to their face and not in an immature jokey “caught you” way 2) hold yourself to the same standards- mansplain is just as inappropriate

YANBU! No idea why the comments are nuts. blonde moment isnt even in my vocabulary

I dare to come out and say that blonde comments, blonde jokes, to dumb to breathe etcetera. They have bothered me my whole live.
Not because it is sexist, I experienced them as racist. Absolutely can't find any reason as to why this is still allowed and people on here even say things like 'get a grip'.
The comments or jokes can make a girl feel very unsafe/disrespected and they eat at your feeling of self worth.
Especially when in a group, at school, at work, with friends.
Just don't do it.

No, no one other than us knows any of this. It’s precisely because I can’t do a great deal about the bigger stuff that I chose to focus on the expression. I was hoping for a small victory, but I didn’t get it.

This s going to sound like a made up anecdote but it’s absolutely true. My youngest daughter has gorgeous blonde hair, when she was about six a boy in her class told her and I believe some other blonde girls in her group that people with blonde hair are very stupid.

now she was very upset by this at the time and obviously I reassured her that this was of course not true (and words of encouragement). Luckily this got knocked on the head as her amazing class teacher did a great discussion about stereotyping and the like (a few years ago now) and had a conversation privately with my daughter too.

However it made me feel so sad to think she could have gone down a route of hating a certain aspect of herself because of what something someone had said to her.

i fully believe that this is language that will have been used at this little lads home.

so when people say ‘get a grip’ or ‘worlds gone mad’ I often think of this incident and how something said possibly in jest at this boys home could have had consequences on my daughters esteem.

so I wholeheartedly believe we should challenge this type of behaviour.

I would not want to work with most of you here, be walking on eggshells of 'blond moment' is inappropriate in the workplace

Not because it is sexist, I experienced them as racist.

You do not experience blonde jokes as racist. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think you were right to say it. It's the little things like this that build up to a culture of misogyny, and I worked in the most misogynistic offices you could possibly imagine. Blonde comments were almost normal, but you knew that men saying 'I'm being blonde' meant that they were likening themselves to a silly girl. If we stop the little comments, it makes it easier to stop the bigger ones.

You were quite right.

Personally while I wouldn’t get heavy about it, I wouldn’t disguise my slap down as a joke - less of the hahas, more of the ‘Jeff, remember the training - you’ve got 4 sharp blondes on your team, we get offended by comments like that’.

He probably will send a sniffy response - doesn’t matter - it should land. If it doesn’t - 3 strikes and a polite note to HR to have a chat with him.

Women tend to make jokes to diffuse conflict, but honestly people have more respect when you say what you mean and have the courage to sit through a bit of awkwardness. It’s easier for men to do because they don’t feel they need to please so much. It’s worth practising.