To have challenged my boss over “blonde moment” comment?

[Monkeytrousers04]

Just that really. I pointed out a minor oversight that my supervisor made at work and his response was to say he had a “blonde moment”. This was all done via teams and in a main group chat. The rest of the team are all women. Four of whom have blonde hair, not that it really matters.

I replied to this saying “implying what?! haha” (my exact words as I was trying to keep it light as is our usually team banter). He replied with “I had a blonde moment”. So I said, “given there are four blondes on this team I’d be careful saying that”. He replied with “oh get real, its just a saying and I was directing it at myself”.

I thought he might respond with “oops, sorry ladies” or something else along those lines but no.

We recently all had to attend a mandatory in-person training course all about challenging inappropriate language and behaviour, following some bad press about the organisation being institutionally mysogynistic so I thought I’d give it a go. He has made similar comments before which I have let slide, but I know affected others in the team as we’ve discussed it in a side chat. No one else ever says anything though as they don’t want to rock the boat. One example is when he implied that I wasn’t a “normal woman” as I said I hated shopping.

As a team we basically carry him through his working day and generally turn a blind eye when he takes his 30 min break and returns over an hour later.

But in all honesty, he makes my working day miserable, often choosing to “mansplain” things to me, which I then have to correct as he’s got it wrong. Or completely ignores me or excludes me from team discussions as I might ask some tricky questions… basically, I think he finds me annoying and doesn’t seem to credit me with any intelligence at all.

I accept that what he said is not the most sexist thing a person can say and there are much bigger problems in the world right now, but for me, it’s these little side comments that often go unchallenged and for whatever reason I decided to take him on today, and subsequently lost.

Just because it’s a common saying doesn’t make it OK. That was his defence when I challenged him on it. I’ve already explained the issue with the saying as have lots of others. You’ve either chosen not to read them and jumped straight in with assuming I’m the problem, sorry “nightmare”, or you have read them and still don’t understand how judging a person on their physical appearance is not ok, and using a phrase commonly used to degrade women to seemingly make fun of yourself is also, not ok.

And we don’t have sly chats about him… we vent about our frustrations which I’m sure a lot of people do about their bosses/ workplaces. It might happen in the staff room or on a walk at lunch perhaps? They may even exchange glances across the room at one another - the odd eye roll, that sort of thing.

We can’t do that as we’re all working from home. So we chat through our frustrations on a separate chat. If we didn’t then I think we’d all struggle… I’ve never put anything in my side chats that I wouldn’t stand by if asked about it.

@Monkeytrousers04 It just reconfirms the notion that if you are a white heterosexual male in a predominantly male environment, in spite of training, awareness raising and all sorts, you will go largely unchecked by colleagues rather than challenged if you say or do anything even vaguely inappropriate.

Maybe even so vaguely inappropriate that almost half of voters (who must mainly be female) don't think it was unreasonable of him?
What trait of yours do you think he tolerates

I’m not sure using the term ‘flap over’- which is hugely gendered - is very helpful or, indeed, consistent with ‘real feminism’.

Pretty sure ‘real feminism’ should cover women not having to put up with this exhausting, daily dickery.

I think it’s awful and sexist and can’t believe the number of posters who think it’s not. Well done for picking him up on it.

At my workplace (large investment bank) no one would dare to say this and would rightly get pulled up by HR if they did.

Esp awful as he’s not (currently at least) blond.

I think he purposely says things like this to make others feel small and because he's in a position of power he feels he's untouchable

We had very similar training in our organisation. The upshot is, you have every right to go to HR if he continues with these comments and because of their policies they have to take it seriously. One comment on its own could be overlooked but not if he keeps doing it

I’m surprised at the breakdown of the votes. Blonde jokes are misogyny, pure and simple. YANBU.

Quitelikeit he made the comment about blondes, not necessarily himself

I’d have to disagree. Irish people were racialised throughout the 19th & 20th centuries and attributed with hugely negative - and innate -characteristics. https://epicchq.com/story/anti-irish-imagery-then-and-now/
This continued through to the 1950s (‘no blacks, no dogs, no Irish’) and ongoing stereotypes persist. So, whilst Ireland has been a majority white population, it stands to say Irish people have been subjected to racism - and to draw this parallel.

@SarkyMummy
I’m not sure using the term ‘flap over’- which is hugely gendered

😂😂😂😂 flap over is hugely gendered? You think the word flap only means fanny flaps? Stop looking for shit to cry over!!

@Monkeytrousers04 You have my sympathies. Your workplace sounds pretty exhausting.

And the blond comment is problematic IMO because perpetuating a sexist stereotype and using its application to himself to legitimise it. He loses nothing by doing this, but the stereotype and crappy misogynistic culture has been perpetuated.

Another poster suggested that your best option might be to seek to progress your career to escape this twit. It sounds like you’re an intelligent and highly competent staff member. Get out of there - ideally by moving up!!

(And I’ll try to take the same advice to escape the willy waving in my workplace 😜).

Yes, absolutely. And if you look at Irish immigration into the US, the Irish were continually depicted as equivalent to, and ethnically contiguous with Black people.

https://picturinghistory.gc.cuny.edu/irish-immigrant-stereotypes-and-american-racism/

No, I think you may have (deliberately) missed the point. I did not think it referred to fanny flaps. I meant it that ‘flapping’ is typically used to belittle women’s behaviour, in common with ‘crying over’ things.

Absolutely.

You have GOT to be having a laugh with this one.
Flapping and crying about things is not, and has never been, exclusive to females.

I'm done here, what a shit show 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

I am not sure everyone goes round trying not to be blonde because of the stereotype. Hairdressers make millions every year dying womens' hair blonde. I have highlights myself and have done pretty much my entire adult life. I think it's all a bit overstated.

But if someone is offended by something, the appropriate response is to say sorry rather than get defensive, even if you think they are being over the top.

Having been very blonde all my life and experienced the fact that some people took me less seriously when I was younger because of it, I find the comment offensive . When I started my job a heard people say it a couple of times and told them this. I didn't realise people still said as noone has said it in my presence for many years.

Actually - I would be equally non PC in this situation (and frequently was).

In this case I'd have fired back, "No, you're actually having a senior moment" but obviously that is equally unacceptable in modern offices now.

Which is why I'm glad I'm done with them. I don't want to have to constantly watch what I say as the rules change around me nor go around in a state of perpetual offendedness.

Perhaps it is different if you are a bottle blonde and haven't experienced the dumb blonde stereotyping a lot of your life.

They're also racist and comparable to the subjugation and dehumanisation of black, Irish and disabled people, apparently.

This is one of those instances where you should just roll your eyes, and think 'whatever, Pete', at most. Every day is a struggle when you choose to be offended over a simple comment.

I am not easily offended but blonde moment comments are offensive to me. People really did assume that I was a bit scatty and not that bright because I am blonde when I was younger.

You have GOT to be having a laugh with this one.
Flapping and crying about things is not, and has never been, exclusive to females.

No, but the stereotyped comments mostly are. (See also 'hysteria' obviously).

Individually these sorts of things may be trivial but low level sexism is tedious and unfunny - people indulging in it should grow the fuck up and try to be a bit more professional.

I can't believe the number of posters that think his behaviour and comment was acceptable

Of course it's offensive and that's why most decent employers wouldn't tolerate it

Oh my goodness. It absolutely has!! You’ve heard of toxic masculinity right? The notion that it’s not socially acceptable for men to show their emotions and can result in them using violence and aggression instead… That comes from the idea that to show emotions is weak and was historically linked to women - hence the origins of the word hysterical for example…