To have challenged my boss over “blonde moment” comment?

[Monkeytrousers04]

Just that really. I pointed out a minor oversight that my supervisor made at work and his response was to say he had a “blonde moment”. This was all done via teams and in a main group chat. The rest of the team are all women. Four of whom have blonde hair, not that it really matters.

I replied to this saying “implying what?! haha” (my exact words as I was trying to keep it light as is our usually team banter). He replied with “I had a blonde moment”. So I said, “given there are four blondes on this team I’d be careful saying that”. He replied with “oh get real, its just a saying and I was directing it at myself”.

I thought he might respond with “oops, sorry ladies” or something else along those lines but no.

We recently all had to attend a mandatory in-person training course all about challenging inappropriate language and behaviour, following some bad press about the organisation being institutionally mysogynistic so I thought I’d give it a go. He has made similar comments before which I have let slide, but I know affected others in the team as we’ve discussed it in a side chat. No one else ever says anything though as they don’t want to rock the boat. One example is when he implied that I wasn’t a “normal woman” as I said I hated shopping.

As a team we basically carry him through his working day and generally turn a blind eye when he takes his 30 min break and returns over an hour later.

But in all honesty, he makes my working day miserable, often choosing to “mansplain” things to me, which I then have to correct as he’s got it wrong. Or completely ignores me or excludes me from team discussions as I might ask some tricky questions… basically, I think he finds me annoying and doesn’t seem to credit me with any intelligence at all.

I accept that what he said is not the most sexist thing a person can say and there are much bigger problems in the world right now, but for me, it’s these little side comments that often go unchallenged and for whatever reason I decided to take him on today, and subsequently lost.

That's not racism.

It’s prejudice against a group though, so the PP’s point stands.

Phrases like having a blonde moment are sexist, and create a constant low level hum of sexism that chip away at women’s self worth. It doesn’t have to be a huge deal on an individual basis, but it does have to be called out, it might not be as destructive as the big stuff, but it is destructive.

1. I rarely see his face as we work remotely and despite him being my supervisor, he never checks in with me, or offers me any opportunities for one to one time to chat through any issues or concerns about anything. I’d have to specifically request it of him and without witnesses I’d be too concerned that he’d just make stuff up to cover his own back if I raised this sort of thing with him.

2. Fair point. I’ll take it on board and do better.

@ImOddsAndEnds and you 👆

It’s an inappropriate sexist thing to say as we all know he’s referring to blonde women, not men as there are no jokes about blonde men being stupid.

Interestingly, I am now blonde after having dark hair and reactions to me from
strangers have been very revealing. I’ve noticed that compared to when I had dark hair, men especially don’t seem to take me as seriously. They seem more helpful in some ways as if they think I am incapable in some way and the only difference in my appearance is hair colour!

Its sad that hair colour can have such an effect. I love Dolly Parton’s quote: I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Im blonde. It's just a phrase. It probably shouldn't be said but I really couldn't get worked up about it. You've made your point

Can you explain your reasoning?
It is clearly racist and would fall under the protected characteristics in the equality act, if it came to that.

I also have very blonde hair as do all my brothers. Not once has anyone insinuated that my siblings are dumb/ditsy/stupid. Myself on the other hand has been called all these things at various points in my life, based purely on the colour of my hair. Good on you for challenging the sexist pig.

It’s obviously a misogynistic comment, as it is rooted in the stereotype that blonde women are unintelligent. It doesn’t really matter that he’s applying it to himself. It’d be like a man trying to jokingly dismiss his own negative behaviour by joking “I must be on my period!”

Yes! This is so true… I am blonde… I dyed my hair brown for 5 years and my career took off. Then I had kids and stopped dying my hair. Now I’m seemingly incapable and I have people explaining stuff to me all the time! It like they don’t even listen to me properly - they just think oh, she’s asked a question I must help her.

Men don't have periods, so that's just a stab at the expense of women.

'Having a blonde moment' and applying it to himself (as a man) would usually be called humour. It's a lighthearted comment where he is poking fun at himself. It's the opposite of misogyny, but there you go.

If he directed it to anyone else it would be entirely different, but the idea that everyone has to walk on eggshells even when making a joke/phrase/whatever in reference the themselves is a bit much

Just a bit much

I like this advice. I’m definitely a let’s diffuse the conflict by making a joke type person… I’m also an apologiser. And an overthinker. Obvs.

But the “dumb blonde” stereotype relates to blonde women, not blonde men. He is essentially saying “I was being stupid, like blonde women are”.

I think you have just made my point for me… he was using the phrase to poke fun at himself because of the negative connotations commonly associated with having a “blonde moment” deriving from the (completely untrue) notion that women with blonde hair are not bright/ clever/ switched on.

If that notion did not exist then there would be no “fun” to poke at himself in using that phrase, would there? He’d just be referring to the fact that his hair had momentarily changed colour.

No matter who says it, or what their intentions are when they say it, the “joke” only works if the people who say it and those who hear it are familiar with the notion of the “dumb blonde (woman)”.

Therefore every time it is used, it perpetuates the same notion over and over again. Then, as per the example in an earlier post, a little boy overhears it and uses it to make a little girl feel bad about herself and she starts to question her own levels of intelligence and/ or abilities…

So it’s not really that “fun” after all, is it.

No it is not racist. Blonde isn't a race.

But thank you for making actual racism a joke.

Your organisation is doing the tick box exercise and lo and behold..won't do bugger all about dinosuar attitudes.
I worked for a company that was meant to be forward thinking.
A dept manager asked a young woman what she was wearing at the weekend during a teams meeting.
Nothing said.

that is not the way this works. Insert gif here.

This.

I think you need to re-read…

Do you have an HR department? I would stop covering his breaks and let him be accountable. I would also email him requests for catchups etc and keep a file so you can go to HR with those if you are being held back by his refusal.

Well it could quite easily be considered sex discrimination (harassment) under the Equality Act so you can absolutely challenge it all the way and he should not make light of it. Do you have an HR team? If so I'd bring it to their attention. If they act on it great. If not you can consider a legal claim.

Can we no longer say anything?

@theduchessofspork Wise advice. I think better to politely call it out, rather than make a joke

Or, pretend ignorance "I don't get it. What do you mean? Are you suggesting that blondes are stupid?"

I think it was a mistake to challenge him in front of the rest of the team, even online. Better in private

I find it really depressing that nearly half of the voters on this thread can't or won't see that that the origins of the phrase "blonde moment" are deeply misogynistic, and casually using it in the workplace is just not OK because it perpetuates and normalises this sexist stereotype.

Gives me a small glimpse into what many black MNers are on about when discussing constant microagressions being dismissed as "can't take a joke", "not meant to be racist" or just flat out denied. Jesus.

Replace the word blonde with black or disabled and then tell me if you still think it's OK?