To have challenged my boss over “blonde moment” comment?

[Monkeytrousers04]

Just that really. I pointed out a minor oversight that my supervisor made at work and his response was to say he had a “blonde moment”. This was all done via teams and in a main group chat. The rest of the team are all women. Four of whom have blonde hair, not that it really matters.

I replied to this saying “implying what?! haha” (my exact words as I was trying to keep it light as is our usually team banter). He replied with “I had a blonde moment”. So I said, “given there are four blondes on this team I’d be careful saying that”. He replied with “oh get real, its just a saying and I was directing it at myself”.

I thought he might respond with “oops, sorry ladies” or something else along those lines but no.

We recently all had to attend a mandatory in-person training course all about challenging inappropriate language and behaviour, following some bad press about the organisation being institutionally mysogynistic so I thought I’d give it a go. He has made similar comments before which I have let slide, but I know affected others in the team as we’ve discussed it in a side chat. No one else ever says anything though as they don’t want to rock the boat. One example is when he implied that I wasn’t a “normal woman” as I said I hated shopping.

As a team we basically carry him through his working day and generally turn a blind eye when he takes his 30 min break and returns over an hour later.

But in all honesty, he makes my working day miserable, often choosing to “mansplain” things to me, which I then have to correct as he’s got it wrong. Or completely ignores me or excludes me from team discussions as I might ask some tricky questions… basically, I think he finds me annoying and doesn’t seem to credit me with any intelligence at all.

I accept that what he said is not the most sexist thing a person can say and there are much bigger problems in the world right now, but for me, it’s these little side comments that often go unchallenged and for whatever reason I decided to take him on today, and subsequently lost.

Thank you. I am trying to progress my career but surprise surprise it’s proving quite tricky as I opted to take a career break to look after my kids. I’ve been in this role for nearly four years. It’s four grades below where I was when I left as I wanted something more entry level to get me back into working again… I think these issues with my boss have developed over the last 12-18 months as I’ve gone from part time to full time so a) I’m more frequently exposed to his ways, shall we say, and b) I’m more confident in myself and my role now so I’m more inclined to pick up on stuff he’s overlooked/ forgotten to do. I don’t always say anything, in fact I rarely do. This is the first time I’ve ever targeted something specific that he has said. He has not directly spoken to me since.

He sounds like an asshole, you pulled him up politely on a comment that clearly references 'dumb (female) blondes" and he came back at you in a rude and nasty manner. He sounds like the kind of deeply average bloke that has benefited very nicely from the patriarchy and found himself in a position of power he has no wish to give up, especially as everyone does the work for him by the sounds of it. Don't know what to say except keep your receipts and no, you're not unreasonable.

So you think it isn't offensive to have opinions on someone's intelligence based on the colour of their hair?

He’s a cunt. File a grievance.

Do crawl back to the MRA site from whence you came.

I need this explaining to me. What is the right word for a group of us? Sorry if that sounds stupid, i just don't feel any offence at that.. should I?

So you think it isn't offensive to have opinions on someone's intelligence based on the colour of their hair?

If he was actually talking about another person, or expressing an opinion, nobody would disagree that it's inappropriate.

How far do we take it? Someone suggested he should call himself stupid. I've seen serious debates on here over the use of 'stupid' an 'idiot' being offensive! Back in the real world, nobody thinks this because we understand context and intend.

@Monkeytrousers04 for goodness sake, there are too many easily offended people in this world! he was not directing his comment at any of your but he was meaning himself!

Saying he mansplains is also (more?) sexist you realise. Men and Women are often guilty of being rather condescending when explaining things.

Yes. Someone has already pointed this out to me and I’ve acknowledged it and taken it on board for the future. I won’t be using the phrase again.

This is why it is good to challenge people.

I wasn’t personally offended by what he said. I felt it was inappropriate due to the origins of the phrase being used historically to degrade women with blonde hair as less intelligent.

It doesn’t matter who the comment was aimed at. It’s the use of the phrase that is the issue.

He could have gone with “oops, my mistake!” or just said “thanks” as I only pointed out a minor oversight.

If I hadn’t then it would have caused more confusion and he could have made a key decision based on inaccurate information.

100% this. Thank you.

Plenty of people in the real world find "blonde moment " comments offensive including me. I have had words with people if they say it in the workplace too.

The context is also really important here - i.e. a workplace.

Lots of people like to complain that they "can't say anything any more". Bollocks. We (just about) have freedom of speech in this country, and if someone wants to go to, say, a comedy club on their own time and watch a misogynistic tosser spout jokes about dumb blondes, the they can fill their boots.

But this is a place of work, where there are inherent structural power imbalances and people simply don't have the luxury or freedom to "vote with their feet". I absolutely don't believe that people have the right to never be offended, but in the workplace people should have enough bloody awareness and self control to avoid completely unnecessary language like this.

I swear one reason a dd did her Masters was because of ‘dumb blonde’ comments. She was a natural blonde, with an hour-glass figure, too, and since she was about 16 had been the object of such remarks. And not just from men, I might add!

Plenty of people in the real world find "blonde moment " comments offensive including me. I have had words with people if they say it in the workplace too.

Presumably you don't object to people calling themselves stupid or idiot - why? If anything, that's a lot worse.

I can't imagine anyone irl getting offended at someone offhandedly saying that had a blonde moment (about themselves), let alone confronting them. I find that so hostile and unnecessary. If it's a pet peeve: eyeroll, move on. Not that deep.

Do you not think the posters who think it offensive exist in real life then? Perhaps you wouldn't mind someone in the workplace assuming that you lack intelligence, are a bit dumb and perhaps incompetent because of the colour of your hair but it doesn't say much for your intelligence if you can't imagine that others do.

This guy didn't direct his comment to anyone else so no, I wouldn't mind. Same as if he called himself stupid. I wouldn't be outraged for mentally impaired people because I can discern context.

I'm sure you do exist in real life, but this is one of those internet outrage things. IRL, nobody cares and we get on with life without reporting people to HR for an inoffensive comment directed towards themselves.

The phrase "blonde moment" is directed at blonde women. It is used after making a mistake or doing something silly because blonde women have often been considered lacking in intelligence.

Would the people who think it's ok because he directed this comment at himself also not mind if he called himself something like a retard or cretin?

@Maddie212 Are you a blonde haired woman?

Yes, exactly. The same as screwing up and saying ‘Oh, I’m being a bit Irish’ — it’s not ok because it’s directed at yourself. The self-deprecating ‘insult’ works at the expense of a people considered to be irrational and feckless by a deeply-ingrained colonial ethnic stereotype. See also ‘Africans/Indians are lazy’ etc.

I haven’t reported him to HR and likely won’t. You have used the exact defence that he did when he told me to “get real”. I am real. Enough people have commented on this thread in support of my views on this, which is all I was trying to achieve when I first posted. I wanted to know if I was right to challenge him and I now believe I was, as his reaction and the lack of reaction/ support from my colleagues made me doubt myself. All you and everyone else that has told me to “get a grip” are doing is confirming just how much work still needs to be done to rid the world of misogyny, and racism, and any other language or behaviour that seeks to oppress others based on their physical appearance. It’s depressing but I’m not giving up.

OP - obviously I don't know your company but as someone working in HR I would want you to report it as this kind of behaviour puts the company at risk of a claim. It can absolutely constitute harassment on the ground of sex (unwanted conduct related to a protected characteristic which has the effect of creating a hostile/offensive/humiliating environment). It doesn't matter that it was directed at him. It is clearly related to sex (the blond comment is absolutely about women) and it can absolutely offend others. Hence, harassment. That's enough to lead to a claim. You may not feel strongly enough about it to start a claim (and I wouldn't recommend you do, it's a very stressful process) but others may in the future so i would flag it with HR and let them decide what action to take to protect the business in the future.

And yes all the 'get a grip' comments are immensely sad, especially as it is women condoning misogyny... I am hopeful things are changing but it is a slow process. At least the legal framework is there to help those wanting to challenge such behaviour.