To have challenged my boss over “blonde moment” comment?

[Monkeytrousers04]

Just that really. I pointed out a minor oversight that my supervisor made at work and his response was to say he had a “blonde moment”. This was all done via teams and in a main group chat. The rest of the team are all women. Four of whom have blonde hair, not that it really matters.

I replied to this saying “implying what?! haha” (my exact words as I was trying to keep it light as is our usually team banter). He replied with “I had a blonde moment”. So I said, “given there are four blondes on this team I’d be careful saying that”. He replied with “oh get real, its just a saying and I was directing it at myself”.

I thought he might respond with “oops, sorry ladies” or something else along those lines but no.

We recently all had to attend a mandatory in-person training course all about challenging inappropriate language and behaviour, following some bad press about the organisation being institutionally mysogynistic so I thought I’d give it a go. He has made similar comments before which I have let slide, but I know affected others in the team as we’ve discussed it in a side chat. No one else ever says anything though as they don’t want to rock the boat. One example is when he implied that I wasn’t a “normal woman” as I said I hated shopping.

As a team we basically carry him through his working day and generally turn a blind eye when he takes his 30 min break and returns over an hour later.

But in all honesty, he makes my working day miserable, often choosing to “mansplain” things to me, which I then have to correct as he’s got it wrong. Or completely ignores me or excludes me from team discussions as I might ask some tricky questions… basically, I think he finds me annoying and doesn’t seem to credit me with any intelligence at all.

I accept that what he said is not the most sexist thing a person can say and there are much bigger problems in the world right now, but for me, it’s these little side comments that often go unchallenged and for whatever reason I decided to take him on today, and subsequently lost.

If he had said I am just being a blonde bimbo would that have been okay, because surely that is the meaning behind the blonde moment saying.

I am shocked that he used that phrase and would also find it completely inappropriate and would definitely have called in out. In fact, I would have argued back again when he wrote it off as a joke. No one in my workplace would ever say something like this though. We have had bias training but more to do with subconscious bias, this is an out and out insult against blondes, inferring that they do dumb things. Ridiculous that he thinks it’s okay!

As someone who works in tech and for a long time was the only woman or one of very few, I know how wearing that kind of behaviour can be. It's a way of keeping you in your place and reminding you (and others) that you're different from the rest and supposedly not as good. It can be very hard to challenge because the men doing it genuinely don't think they're doing anything wrong. So well done for speaking up (even if in my experience it won't get you anywhere).

This annoyed me more than his comment.

I'm also a blond.

As a blonde woman, who throughout my life has had assumptions made about me (I know there will be blonde women who haven't, but when it's coupled with a childish face, being small and a certain body shape, it's been a thing for me) I thank you for challenging this. Because it really isn't 'mild sexism' and 'just a saying' it's an insidious and damaging stereotype that took root in our culture decades ago and has been something certain women have had to 'prove wrong' ever since. Women who are not blonde or who are blonde and feel they've never been treated differently shouldn't minimise it either, because its the attitude that women are stupid, incapable etc based on physical appearance that matters and is so harmful, not the particular characteristic that its being pinned on.

I haven’t read the whole thread - there were so many utterly depressing comments in the section that I did read that I couldn’t bear to keep reading. All the dismissive posts - wouldn’t bother me; can’t we say anything these days; it’s not sexist…

Those of you that think such things - are you as accepting of racist and homophobic comments? I mean - are you generally bigoted, or is it just sexism that’s OK?

I think you'll find that sexism is OK when a man is making a joke, and its perfectly ok to titter and giggle along with it. Because any woman who isn't uptight and generally uncool laughs at men's jokes, don't they? Men like women who have a sense of humour, and that's the thing we should be striving for.

It's 100% just am saying. What's your opinion one stupid and idiot? Not offensive?

I feel the same way and agree its probably worse when coupled with a certain body shape. One of the few good things about being older is that i don't fit the stereotype anymore and people don't seem to assume I'm scatterbrained and incompetent until I prove otherwise. My adult daughters say they experience it though. I wonder if the posters minimising the prejudice are guilty of it themselves.

Guilty of what? Who even has an opinion about blondes? Any would blonde people be so interesting that anyone has an opinion?

Opinions on brunettes anyone? On black hair?

Sorry, I dont understand you? Are you asking me if I think it's offensive to call people stupid or an idiot?

Yes.

@Maddie212 I'm not sure how calling himself an idiot or stupid is the same thing. There isn't a group of people with a physical feature or characteristic known as idiot.

No he wasn't. He was directing it at anyone who is blonde and his mission was to put them down in a very subtle way

Well, clearly people do have opinions on blondes. Otherwise the saying 'blonde moment' wouldn't exist, would it? I have no idea why people find blonde people 'so interesting' they've created stereotypes and sayings around them, but I'd imagine it's due to linking the hair colour in women with hyper feminity, in the same way as you get the 'gentlemen prefer blondes' clichés, and further linking of feminity with stupidity. But as I didn't invent the stereotype or the sayings I can't know for sure. Where do you think the saying 'blonde moment' comes from if people have no opinions on blonde people?

Thank you. I was coming on to point this out!
(see also people who refer to their male “fiancée” )

How would using an even more obviously derogatory sexist comment be better?
He could have called himself something neutral like a 'chump'.

Yes, like a recent thread where a woman addressed as ‘fit old bird’ by a younger male hobby acquaintance on SM was advised that she risked ‘looking humourless’ if she addressed it. Because obviously ‘looking humourless’ in front of the kind of man who throws around sexist, objectifying language is really what women should be considering first and foremost.

As with this thread, the responses from other female posters were far more dismaying than the incident described in the OP.

We don't know that the posters are female.

@ErrolTheDragon I was directing that comment at the posters who don’t think ‘blonde moment’ is misogynist.

I was looking at pictorial jokes about blondes like the one attached. All directed at women. I’m sure there maybe some directed at men, but the history behind the thought of the dumb blonde is directed at women.

Thank you. I’ve sent a request to join a women’s network at work (I was a member before my career break but haven’t got round to rejoining yet). There are HR reps within that so once I’ve got my feet under the table I will raise it that way… just to get a sense of what might be done. It’s the fallout that concerns me as he is quite an immature person (he hasn’t spoken to me directly since this happened) so I just know he will treat me differently as there will be no denying who raised it if I do. Thankfully he is job share so I get half a week without him working but still, it’s hard work. Thank you for your support.

Good call, OP.

The comment was unfortunate but doesn't require the amount of headspace you're giving it.

Would you feel the same way if he had said he was having a senior moment? Would you then pull him up on making older people in the team feel uncomfortable?

It sounds like you're trying to catch him at being bad because he has aggrieved you in some way. Which is something you need to deal with separately.

Such a cliched response. People like you are always telling women that there are bigger problems and they shouldn’t worry their pretty little ‘headspace’ over it, such as your whataboutery into ageism. It conveniently means that sexism becomes normalised.