To think people shouldn’t have new babies when there’s so many unresolved issues with older kids

[YaMuvva]

Yes it’s very judgy but I actually despair at rate of which some people are having new children when they already have problems with their other children.

I say this because there is a girl in DD’s class (year 6, this girl is 10) that is an absolute nightmare. DD only started her new school in September because we relocated and several other girls warned her about this child. Nevertheless, DD is naive/too nice and befriended her to her detriment. I had to get VERY arsey with the school before they actually did something about the fact this girl was calling DD nasty names every day (ugly, fat etc - DD is actually skinny and this girl is overweight), making fun of the fact DD has learning support, shoving past her hard (she’s much bigger than my DD) but never hurting her badly or obviously enough to raise suspicion from teachers she always does an ‘oops didn’t see you there’ thing, and teaching DD very inappropriate things (for example she taught DD a ‘blow job’ gesture 😡). If DD didn’t one day behave however this 10yo liked - such as didn’t play with her that day - the 10yo, who has a TikTok account, would make TikTok’s about her even naming her (I actually pulled her aside in the playground and told her to stop). I know because I found her and follow her!

I didn’t like to ban DD from being friends with anyone as I think it’s important that they navigate friendships themselves but because my DD is gullible this girl would make her feel like shit for 4 days then be sweetness and light on day 5 and DD would say “Oh no she’s apologised and she is sorry for what she did.” I just thought the situation was too toxic. So I have said to DD that she isn’t to go anywhere near this girl and if I found out she did she’d be punished. The mums of other girls experiencing the exact same with their DDs and this child have said the same to their girls. This 10yo has been the same since infants apparently And has a long rap sheet of bullying, inappropriate behaviour and nastiness.

Anyway this 10yo has an interesting family tree. Her parents (who are fully aware of what she is like because I’ve told them, as have others, as have the teachers) were married and had her and her older sibling. They then split up, the mum met a new man and had a baby who is now 3. She then split with him, had a new baby with an even newer man, this baby is 6 months old. The dad remarried and had another child who is now 6, they divorced and him and his new wife, wife no 3, have just had a baby a few days ago, the dad was showing the baby off in the playground at pick up.

I suppose I’m angry because she shoved past my DD again today in the corridor and hurt her shoulder and I’m fucking sick of all this never ending. I’m here fretting my backside off about my my DD getting picked on and her bully’s parents are just in the business of churning out more and more kids. Surely a half decent parent whose existing children have serious problems would prioritise that rather than just constantly changing partners and popping out more?

DH’s sister did the same but on a different level. She split up with her DH (whom she had 2 kids with) and immediately started dating a colleague. She was pregnant within three months of them dating, they weren’t using protection because it’s a ‘mood killer’. Her existing teen and pre-teen were really hit hard by their parents split and within 4 months they were meeting a new partner and preparing to welcome a half-sibling. My niece, who was a pre-teen when this all happened, is very close to us now as a young adult and the anger she feels at her mum moving on and having family no 2 in less than a year of her splitting with her dad has just about broken her, and they barely have a relationship. She feels her mum never considered her or her sister in her plans post-split and I’d have to agree with her.

AIBU to think people should get their houses in order before they bring new people into their kids lives - partners AND babies? I feel that particularly with DD’s bully it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that a lot of her issues will stem from so many changes and inconsistencies in her life, and it’s people like my DD and the other girls in year 6 paying the price for that.

So true, people appear to falling over to ‘be kind’ and inclusive at the detriment of their own child. I couldn’t care less why the bully is a bully, it’s not my place to rehabilitate her all I would want is her to stay the hell away from my kid and she would be told that, just like the OP has.

It’s called parenting. Putting rules in place around things that are harmful to your kids is not bullying. Your response is worrying.

I agree, a 10 year old is often not mature enough to handle toxic relationships and a parent has to take hard steps sometimes for the greater good of their child. It may not sound pleasant on the face of it, but it has protected the DD from greater harm and she's happier now.

I don't think I'd punish my child for engaging with a bully, I would just explain how it obviously keeps ending in tears and they need to be strong enough to resist. Different strokes, though.

Having said that, these days "blended families" have become so normalised that to speak against them is heresy.

Some of the same people who tell you that punishing your child is super duper damaging will also balk at the suggestion that having different siblings from different mums and dads who have different levels of involvement/financial provision etc might just fuck the kids up, because it doesn't suit them and their needs.

Yes, I was being tongue-in-cheek. Sorry it didn’t land 😂

There is a tiny element of truth in what I said - I, like many others, have a bit more of a clue about what works/what doesn’t with kids by the time I had my second and I doubt anyone ensures that their parenting is perfect and their child 100 percent happy and balanced before they have a second.

The situation the OP describes though sounds pretty horrific. It’s clear the parents of this troubled girl haven’t done any serious thinking about the affect of their family planning on their eldest daughter 😕.

OP I love the update about your Dad! What a great feeling to have him backing you like that. Hope your DD has a great party, she deserves it. I think you're doing everything right, tough shit if the bully and the insane ones on this thread don't like it.

My DH ex wife did this. Went on to have another child because she has a baby obsession and then wonders why her eldest 2 wanted to live with us. She spends her life bemoaning her financial situation and slagging us off on here.

Which is why universal credit is capped at 2 children now...

Quite frankly op I think your attitude towards people's family set up is really just you looking for a reason for why this one particular child is bullying your dd. I work with kids from very broken homes and all sorts of family set ups. I disagree with your response that it's well documented about the adverse effects. It might affect things like long term life opportunities, but the young people I work with are very intolerant towards injustice or unfairness of any kind. Bullying isn't tolerated at all and that's not coming from me or the staff, it's from the young people themselves. So you are being deeply judgemental and unreasonable to even bring that into the discussion at all. This thread should have been "my dd is being bullied and the school and family aren't addressing it what else do I do" . The rest is nothing to do with it.

I think that spending time talking with your dd about healthy relationships is important. From your language you're almost comparing the relationship between two 10 year old like a DV relationship and its a bit much. The other child needs much more help and support to behave properly in school and to act in a way that's safe for everyone around her, and your dd needs help and support to navigate that relationship and be protected from hurtful behaviour. You've said that at the moment she's iced this girl out and moved on with other friends so your concern at this moment in times is dirty looks? I think that sounds like it's massively improved from what it has been and personally I'd be leaving it at that and trying to help my dc understand that sometimes people will act in ways you don't like, and to ignore those people and invest in the ones that make them feel good. That is in itself a life skill. If it begins to escalate again then you bring it straight back to the attention of the school and ask for a meeting with the school and the other parents together to find a joint resolution. But ultimately op, if those parents pick up that you're judging everything about them, their circumstances, their children, their parenting - they won't want to work with you at all and that will be shooting yourself in the foot.

I also find it bizarre that you'd use discipline to stop your child seeing her friend instead of educating and positive reinforcement. When a child is used to being railroaded, controlled and heavily disciplined or criticised they are less likely to recognise bullying or abusive relationships for what they are. Because they've already learnt that someone can love you and hurt/ control you. I understand your intentions are good and that you're trying to be protective but you need to rethink the approach. The one you're using won't work at all by the time she's 14/15/16.

I agree OP . Somehow it's always seen as a new baby will fix the family. This girl is troubled and upsetting your DD . Sadly there's a certain type.and unless you can put a law in place they will keep on churning out just another one!

Both me and my DH are teachers and we saw totally disregulated kids like this in school. When you learn about how childhood trauma affects you for life, and how behaviour is always communication you can see how crap the young girl's homelife must be, and she is dealing with what 24/7. Most adults I know couldn't live with that family situation, and she is 11.

This is copied behaviour, (the nastiness/love bombing),
This is survival behaviour, dont be the weak one or you'll be on the receiving end of the trouble, dole it out before you receive it.
Learning how to assuage those around you, keeps you safe .
Push your 'friends' away before they leave you, cos everyone will eventually.

Yes her behaviour is not acceptable and having a kid bullying yours is awful (been there with DS).

After a particular child in my DHs class we decided to that we would not keep continuing with repeated IVF and went into fostering.
What we've learnt since is heartbreaking but we know we are supporting our young people and often they've never had that at all. Will we make a difference ? Hopefully . Fingers crossed that that support is a little acorn which will take a while, but will grow into a sturdy oak.

KimberleyClark · 09/04/2024 16:20
Some people seem to feel they have to have a baby with every new relationship, like it’s not a proper relationship otherwise. It’s not great for existing children.

100%

And this strikes me as odd. As a boring long-married, I get it that many people have successive relationships nowadays, but you don't need a child with each new partner! I would have thought, if you've already done that duty and got children from a previous relationship, the whole point of a new relationship would be to enjoy freedom from pregnancy, childbirth, sleepless nights with a baby and all the hard (and highly unromantic) grind that goes with another baby.

Plus, of course, the layers and layers of complication you're adding to your own and your children's lives.

But that's just me!

OP, you're fantastic! I agree with you 100%. Sick of all the namby pamby 'be kind', 'hugs and kisses', 'the other child is suffering more and you should feel sorry for her' bullshit. I have a DD of similar age to yours and should she be bullied, I sure as hell wouldn't give a single fuck for a poor misunderstood bully, whatever their home situation. Not my monkey, not my circus. I care about MY child and her well-being.

My brother was bullied in school by 3 nasty shits. I was also in school back then, but I'm 6 years older, so was just about to graduate. I was a troublemaker and ran with a equally troublesome crowd back then.

My brother was also called all kinds of disgusting names, spat at, pushed around, beaten, kicked at, his things burned/destroyed. School tried to help, but the parents of the bullies were equally as shitty as their offspring and nothing was done.

Eventually they threw rocks at my little brother and hit him. He didn't tell our parents, but confided in me. Me and bunch of my friends caught the three shits and scared the ever-living crap out of them. So bad, one pissed himself. They crossed the street with eyes downcast when they saw my brother coming from then on. No one dared touch him.

Am I sorry? Absolutely not and would do it again in a heartbeat if needed. Let the huggers hug and invite their bullies to their birthday parties and you do what's needed, OP.