To think people shouldn’t have new babies when there’s so many unresolved issues with older kids

[YaMuvva]

Yes it’s very judgy but I actually despair at rate of which some people are having new children when they already have problems with their other children.

I say this because there is a girl in DD’s class (year 6, this girl is 10) that is an absolute nightmare. DD only started her new school in September because we relocated and several other girls warned her about this child. Nevertheless, DD is naive/too nice and befriended her to her detriment. I had to get VERY arsey with the school before they actually did something about the fact this girl was calling DD nasty names every day (ugly, fat etc - DD is actually skinny and this girl is overweight), making fun of the fact DD has learning support, shoving past her hard (she’s much bigger than my DD) but never hurting her badly or obviously enough to raise suspicion from teachers she always does an ‘oops didn’t see you there’ thing, and teaching DD very inappropriate things (for example she taught DD a ‘blow job’ gesture 😡). If DD didn’t one day behave however this 10yo liked - such as didn’t play with her that day - the 10yo, who has a TikTok account, would make TikTok’s about her even naming her (I actually pulled her aside in the playground and told her to stop). I know because I found her and follow her!

I didn’t like to ban DD from being friends with anyone as I think it’s important that they navigate friendships themselves but because my DD is gullible this girl would make her feel like shit for 4 days then be sweetness and light on day 5 and DD would say “Oh no she’s apologised and she is sorry for what she did.” I just thought the situation was too toxic. So I have said to DD that she isn’t to go anywhere near this girl and if I found out she did she’d be punished. The mums of other girls experiencing the exact same with their DDs and this child have said the same to their girls. This 10yo has been the same since infants apparently And has a long rap sheet of bullying, inappropriate behaviour and nastiness.

Anyway this 10yo has an interesting family tree. Her parents (who are fully aware of what she is like because I’ve told them, as have others, as have the teachers) were married and had her and her older sibling. They then split up, the mum met a new man and had a baby who is now 3. She then split with him, had a new baby with an even newer man, this baby is 6 months old. The dad remarried and had another child who is now 6, they divorced and him and his new wife, wife no 3, have just had a baby a few days ago, the dad was showing the baby off in the playground at pick up.

I suppose I’m angry because she shoved past my DD again today in the corridor and hurt her shoulder and I’m fucking sick of all this never ending. I’m here fretting my backside off about my my DD getting picked on and her bully’s parents are just in the business of churning out more and more kids. Surely a half decent parent whose existing children have serious problems would prioritise that rather than just constantly changing partners and popping out more?

DH’s sister did the same but on a different level. She split up with her DH (whom she had 2 kids with) and immediately started dating a colleague. She was pregnant within three months of them dating, they weren’t using protection because it’s a ‘mood killer’. Her existing teen and pre-teen were really hit hard by their parents split and within 4 months they were meeting a new partner and preparing to welcome a half-sibling. My niece, who was a pre-teen when this all happened, is very close to us now as a young adult and the anger she feels at her mum moving on and having family no 2 in less than a year of her splitting with her dad has just about broken her, and they barely have a relationship. She feels her mum never considered her or her sister in her plans post-split and I’d have to agree with her.

AIBU to think people should get their houses in order before they bring new people into their kids lives - partners AND babies? I feel that particularly with DD’s bully it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that a lot of her issues will stem from so many changes and inconsistencies in her life, and it’s people like my DD and the other girls in year 6 paying the price for that.

Agreed. There was girl like this at my dd's school. Chaotic home life, mother in prison, living with religious fanatic granny and Satan worshipping aunt. I can't make this up. I feel for her but I was not about to allow my dd to be the latest in a long line of bullying over many years.

It's a shame you have not mentioned how to bolster her own abilities to deal with people like this, because she is growing up and needs to practice skills of brushing off, avoiding, compromising, blanking, supporting, understanding.

I have - i think you’ve assumed I’ve shared every word verbatim that I’ve exchanged with my DD on here. I haven’t. We have had many long conversations and my no 1 priority right now is to boost her self esteem

Stand back, Stop judging others. Give your kid a shed load of hugs and treats after a bad day. Rather than denigrating others, use that breath to remind her how great she is. Then send her back in the next day with the promise that some people are not nice but there are always nice ones out there somewhere, keep looking. And stop there.

No, now way, I am not going to take such a feeble nanny pamby route with the person I love most in the world.

This is my little girl and it’s her life. Going to a place that where she should be learning, experiencing someone who 80% of the time passive aggressively shoves her( which when you’re tiny and this girl is a foot taller and much wider, is horrible) calls her fat, ugly, r*tard, makes her feel stupid because she needs help with maths, mocks her and makes her uncomfortable…the same person 20% of the time says she loves her she’s brilliant and funny and cute and kind and she doesn’t mean to be so nasty and is very sorry.

If this was a person she was dating I’d be calling the police for emotional abuse and my DD needs to learn that THIS, this very friendship is the epitome of emotional abuse and she needs to take a zero tolerance approach - a stance she needs to carry with her her whole life.

So no I will not be the parent who only says “You’re so kind and lovely and an awesome person, here have some crisps and ignore her and speak to nice people”. To me that’s what a parent who is quite happy for bullying to continue does. I’d rather take the affirmative action route even if my DD doesn’t like it and it might upset a random 10yo. But at least I’m doing something more than giving her a treat like a dog and spelling out the bleeding obvious

The dad is a teacher no idea about the mum if she works or not.

It’s a shame this thread has taken a dark turn with benefits bashing. Especially when you consider that the 2-child cap has put so many children in poverty. Is that a better alternative than people earning £200k being a bit inconvenienced?

She’s 10. 10 and in a toxic friendship. I will always step in when she needs me to and with this she didn’t have the maturity or foresight to realise that people like that are NOT your friend just because they’re super sweet a fraction of the time.

Or they love pregnancy. I’m sure that weird kids and counting woman said she’s addicted to being pregnant. There’s no way you can have 23/24 kids and be the mum they need to ALL of them

OP I am clearly in the 31% that believe that you are being unreasonable. I have DDs and they have encountered bullies in school. I have obviously talked to them about how they feel and they have naturally chosen to distance themselves and hang out with other children. You have ‘pulled the child aside’, reported her to the school, reported the school to ofsted, spoken to other parents about them, threatened your daughter with punishment if she associates with her. The child has been punished and spoken to …what will make you happy? She clearly comes from a challenging background but I imagine expulsion and nimby may be the only appeasement…

I want the school to do more, to give her a harder punishment.

But I’m satisfied, for now, that DD isn’t engaging with her - and that’s only because I’ve been done all those things you’ve listed, and I’m not sorry i’d do it again in a heartbeat.

And I’m pleased your girls had the nouse to distance themselves from their bullies. I actually said yonDD’s teacher that I wish this child was an ‘old school’ bully that was just only ever mean to her, not half-in half-out. It would be easier. But this is how toxic relationships operate and too right I’m getting my DD out of that and teaching her why it’s so bad for her

Yes, because that creates a fairer and more stable society..

What would you prefer, slums? Malnutrition? Poverty?

christ.

OP seems to know a LOT about a family she's only known 6 months.

And I absolutely don't believe a school would do nothing about a pupil of their school making bullying tik toks whilst wearing an identifiable school logo
I just don't believe it.

No they just let the first half of their children parent the second half…

Yep!! Whenever they have one of those creepy family photos I think the older ones just radiate sadness

You have ‘pulled the child aside’, reported her to the school, reported the school to ofsted, spoken to other parents about them, threatened your daughter with punishment if she associates with her. The child has been punished and spoken to

And all since September @SpiritOfEcstasy
Hasn't she been busy!

What powers do you think they have to remove a video for an account they have no access to? AFAIK they flagged it with the parents but the video is still up

Yes, I have. Obviously.

Not sure that I would have been as controlled as the OP frankly.

Yes lots of people rush to have babies but how on earth don you know that much if you just moved into the area ? I think you have massive issues too !

I dunno, I like to think of my first child as the practise child. The Guinea pig. Whatever we screw up with her we will fix with the next one. First borns are always going to be a bit screwy - most of us aren’t responsible adults until we have already cared for a tiny person a while IMHO.

What are the ‘massive issues’ you think I have?

Because I originate from this area, and know lots of people and have made new friends fast (we actually moved here in July)

Many, many people are not mature enough to be parents. Ever.

Many people who become parents are in fact still mentally children themselves in adult bodies. They see children as accessories or ‘new toys’. They ‘upgrade’ to a ‘new baby’ like they do their phones. No one comes up to you in the street to comment on your 14-year-old. They will comment on your 14-day-old though! Shiny new baby means more ‘look at me’.

This ‘bully’ is a victim of such parents who were likely a victim of such parents. And unless she develops some self-awareness, she herself will inflict this on the next generation. It’s sad. It is what it is. Keep complaining about this girl’s behaviour if she bullies your daughter, but the reasons why she is like she is, is complex and inter-generational.

….🤨

Speak for yourself. My DD is not a Guinea pig nor is she collateral damage for me to balls up parenting just so I can get it right with DC2.

I think that’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever read on MN and that’s saying something.

YANBU , OP.

Some parents are absolute disasters and leave a trail of wreckage behind them.

Stay on the school until they sort this out, and tell them unless they do, you’ll take it up with the parents.

Maybe, if you are very young when you have your first, that might be an excuse for shit parenting. But I waited until I was 42 and financially sound before I had a child. I wasn't infertile, I terminated twice because (a) a relationship was too new and (b) I was uncertain of the relationship. By the time, I was in a stable relationship and we were ready to be parents, we were lucky to conceive quickly. Baby was wanted, welcomed and has been cherished every inch of the way. No practise runs here. That strikes me (personal opinion) as horrific @Icannoteven .

OP's priority is her own child. You can feel sorry for the bully in a theoretical sense because her family is so disordered, but when push comes to shove, sympathy wanes pretty quickly when your own child is suffering and no one in the position to act seems to give a shit.

Posters have said this is nothing to do with OP - I disagree. Anything which affects her child's wellbeing is her business. And these selfish, irresponsible parents have made their family tree the OP's concern, when they failed to care for or parent their own child effectively and instead, just kept popping out new babies with different partners!

OP I would elevate my complaint if school aren't all over this tomorrow - they have a duty to keep your child safe and they are failing in this regard.

No one who has a very needy child that they cannot cope with, has any business having more children!

I mean you aren’t wrong but this is a chaotic household and their poor decision-making will have generational effects sadly

Behave. Op isn’t bullying her dd, she is teaching her to have boundaries. Her dd is too young to see this girl for what she is, so is having to step in to protect her. What would you suggest? Leaves her dd to be manipulated by someone who has serious issues, which could end very badly for her dd? Tbh, if it wasn’t for the fact they’re in year 6 and so leaving for secondary school soon, I would have actually removed my daughter in that situation. Op is being proactive. Just because your parenting might differ, doesn’t mean what the op is doing is wrong.