To think people shouldn’t have new babies when there’s so many unresolved issues with older kids

[YaMuvva]

Yes it’s very judgy but I actually despair at rate of which some people are having new children when they already have problems with their other children.

I say this because there is a girl in DD’s class (year 6, this girl is 10) that is an absolute nightmare. DD only started her new school in September because we relocated and several other girls warned her about this child. Nevertheless, DD is naive/too nice and befriended her to her detriment. I had to get VERY arsey with the school before they actually did something about the fact this girl was calling DD nasty names every day (ugly, fat etc - DD is actually skinny and this girl is overweight), making fun of the fact DD has learning support, shoving past her hard (she’s much bigger than my DD) but never hurting her badly or obviously enough to raise suspicion from teachers she always does an ‘oops didn’t see you there’ thing, and teaching DD very inappropriate things (for example she taught DD a ‘blow job’ gesture 😡). If DD didn’t one day behave however this 10yo liked - such as didn’t play with her that day - the 10yo, who has a TikTok account, would make TikTok’s about her even naming her (I actually pulled her aside in the playground and told her to stop). I know because I found her and follow her!

I didn’t like to ban DD from being friends with anyone as I think it’s important that they navigate friendships themselves but because my DD is gullible this girl would make her feel like shit for 4 days then be sweetness and light on day 5 and DD would say “Oh no she’s apologised and she is sorry for what she did.” I just thought the situation was too toxic. So I have said to DD that she isn’t to go anywhere near this girl and if I found out she did she’d be punished. The mums of other girls experiencing the exact same with their DDs and this child have said the same to their girls. This 10yo has been the same since infants apparently And has a long rap sheet of bullying, inappropriate behaviour and nastiness.

Anyway this 10yo has an interesting family tree. Her parents (who are fully aware of what she is like because I’ve told them, as have others, as have the teachers) were married and had her and her older sibling. They then split up, the mum met a new man and had a baby who is now 3. She then split with him, had a new baby with an even newer man, this baby is 6 months old. The dad remarried and had another child who is now 6, they divorced and him and his new wife, wife no 3, have just had a baby a few days ago, the dad was showing the baby off in the playground at pick up.

I suppose I’m angry because she shoved past my DD again today in the corridor and hurt her shoulder and I’m fucking sick of all this never ending. I’m here fretting my backside off about my my DD getting picked on and her bully’s parents are just in the business of churning out more and more kids. Surely a half decent parent whose existing children have serious problems would prioritise that rather than just constantly changing partners and popping out more?

DH’s sister did the same but on a different level. She split up with her DH (whom she had 2 kids with) and immediately started dating a colleague. She was pregnant within three months of them dating, they weren’t using protection because it’s a ‘mood killer’. Her existing teen and pre-teen were really hit hard by their parents split and within 4 months they were meeting a new partner and preparing to welcome a half-sibling. My niece, who was a pre-teen when this all happened, is very close to us now as a young adult and the anger she feels at her mum moving on and having family no 2 in less than a year of her splitting with her dad has just about broken her, and they barely have a relationship. She feels her mum never considered her or her sister in her plans post-split and I’d have to agree with her.

AIBU to think people should get their houses in order before they bring new people into their kids lives - partners AND babies? I feel that particularly with DD’s bully it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that a lot of her issues will stem from so many changes and inconsistencies in her life, and it’s people like my DD and the other girls in year 6 paying the price for that.

It’s called parenting. Putting rules in place around things that are harmful to your kids is not bullying. Your response is worrying.

I know what you mean! I think when SIL was going through her separation and new boyfriend (who we all know she really left her DH for we aren’t stupid!) it was the total OTT happiness about how she’s met the love of her life and he took her to this restaurant, and this hotel, exH never did that etc that really made me go ‘ick’. Like I can see accidents happen and you have to make the best of it, but her smugness was a real kicker. All while her children were breaking their hearts over what was happening. And she was very annoyed when people didn’t share her joy, but I’m afraid I don’t hold cheating in a particularly high regard!

There’s a certain poster I’ve noticed who name changes a lot but posts lots of short, rapid provocative posts. Best ignored.

I do think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect parents with one child who is challenging not to have any more though: on that basis lots of disabled children would be only children! I do know what you mean though.

YaMuvva well, if the parents are both fobbing you off, it's clear they are not that bothered about their child's bullying. And that would grate on me too!

If you feel like the school aren't doing enough, you can take it to the Board Of Governors. As a last result, that is what I did when one of my elder children was at school.

so sounds like all sorted

Absolutely

I myself am actually from a blended family of step siblings (not half siblings). I’m still very close to my step brother. But we were all tiny when my mum married my stepdad, and my stepbrother lived with us 100% of the time because his own mum was unable to care for him. None of us can remember a time without each other and there was a lot of consistency so I agree that it’s not the case that all blended families are doomed. It CAN be done right - and I certainly don’t think all single parents should stay single until their kids reach adulthood, at all - but so often it isn’t when it could be.

With respect you’re probably the exception to the rule.

Its very well researched and well documented how family life and decisions are highly likely impact children this doesn’t mean ALL children are impacted but it means many, too many, will be. It’s not a fairy story or rumour, the facts are out there.

I understand you are upset your DD is being bullied. That is every parent's worst nightmare when it comes to school.

I'm not sure a child's behaviour can solely be blamed on parents having more children.

I know what you mean it’s like FFS open your eyes child!

TikToks are done at home, school are not interested even when I told them DD’s name is now on social media. Even more worrying in that this child has TikToks wearing her school jumper. If she wants a safe place at school she shouldn’t but the safety of other kids at risk.

Yes!! Damn I’ve messed up!!! How to fix!?

My DD was badly bullied by 3 girls, the attack that finally made the school take notice was something that could have ended with serious injury or death for my child.

Bully No 1 Stable home, parents together, dad did responsible job, mum was SAHM one sibling. She was the worst and the leader.

Bully No 2 Parents divorced, mum seemed nice, one sibling.

Bully No 3 New girl at school, she had two siblings, mum seemed very supportive, seemed easily led.

So I don't share your experience of bullies coming from chaotic families.

Calling a child with special needs (a disability) the r word is totally unacceptable and should be treated at school in terms of consequences in the same way as using the n word and that’s what I’d insist on. I applaud you for doing what you needed to do to make your poor vulnerable daughter break her confused dependence on this very unpleasant child (I’d use stronger language about her if I was speaking to you directly!). Yeah, it’s probably not great for her that her home life is the way it is, or that her parents don’t seem to care about her bullying, but there’s nothing you can do about that and my sympathy is for the children whose lives she makes a misery.

As soon as I read your thread I knew people would twist it on to you and I wasn’t wrong.

OP I say this as a mum of 4. I get you. If one of my children was a troubled child/ a relentless bully like the girl you’ve described, then I don’t think baby number 5 would be the best idea for me. And yes I think I would apply that same logic to other families too as it just feels like common sense?

Its very well researched and well documented how family life and decisions are highly likely impact children this doesn’t mean ALL children are impacted but it means many, too many, will be. It’s not a fairy story or rumour, the facts are out there.

I am NOT disagreeing with that. What I am disagreeing with is that you have made assumptions about a family you know nothing about!

And you saying I'm an exception to the rule without actually knowing what my family background is, proves my point, exactly.

I hope you get it sorted with your daughter. Push on through with the school and keep your child away from said bully (at all costs!).

The repeatedly having babies is probably a ‘symptom’ of the same chaos/poor parenting/poor education/low intelligence/instability that resulted in a young child being a bully and having a TikTok account.

I see the random approach to having babies and the chaotic child as two different consequences of a crap home environment.

Having your child bullied makes any decent parents see red. Hope the school actually does something.

Me and some other mums have done that already which is what prompted a plan to reshuffle the classroom and keep them all away from each other. But there’s a teacher a TA and class of 30, there aren’t enough eyes to make sure it happens 100% of the time which is why I reinforced it by banning DD from speaking to this girl, as did the other mums.

Keeping an eye on it and if it starts to slip in going immediately to the governors again. I have already emailed the teachers about DD being shoved today so planning to speak to them at drop off tomorrow.

As much as it can be right now - so I imagine you agree I did the right thing then after you’ve called me a bully?

Lol I did read it wondering how it relates to the OP 🤣 report it to MN and ask them to post as a new thread. Copy the content just in case, just so you don’t lose it!

DD doesn’t have special needs or a disability she just accesses learning support for maths to help bring her up to year 6 level. The support is absolutely incredible, she’s come on leaps and bounds after her last school was useless and refused to give her learning support, which is why I’m overall happy with keeping her there until September when she starts secondary. But otherwise you’re right, she is not academically as advanced as others as the R word is never OK. I was quite annoyed how the school didn’t seem to be that horrified about it. I had to repeat it because I thought they didn’t hear me the first time!

You're not wrong. We're not allowed to comment though as saying so makes us evil communists.

Yes I agree with you. I posted earlier about people churning out kids when the man is useless (creating unstable environment). Unfortunately there will always be a certain set of society who churn out more children they can’t emotionally and financially take care of. I hope you get the bullying sorted out.

no op
i don’t think threatening your daughter with punishment if she interacts with the girl is the “right thing”!!

OP, I agree. Classic problem families. Ignore people that say you are judgy (and as for the person who said you were 'bullying' your daughter, I haven't got a big enough eyeroll) Well, perhaps you are, but if so then so am I. No point having a mind so open that your brain falls out. I feel the same about people who have multiple children then whine about the cost of living.

I have to agree that the bully girl’s parents have made some poor choices.

The girl is 10 and her behaviour is terrible (and has been for the majority of her life). It’s also hurting others, both physically and mentally.

Instead of working together (whether married or separated) to help the 10yo lead a more productive life, between them, her parents have chosen to have 4 more little children with 4 different other parents. I can’t imagine either parent can help the 10yo much now with anything. They must be run ragged - 4 young kids, 10yo bully and her older sibling.

There are women who have a new baby with each new man, either their idea or his. There are also women whose only outlet for their identity is as a new mum with a baby. Then there are those who take little if any care with contraception.
I think people should always consider their existing children first but it is unlikely that anyone who is actually a dysfunctional parent will have the self awareness and level of responsibility to do so.