To think people shouldn’t have new babies when there’s so many unresolved issues with older kids

[YaMuvva]

Yes it’s very judgy but I actually despair at rate of which some people are having new children when they already have problems with their other children.

I say this because there is a girl in DD’s class (year 6, this girl is 10) that is an absolute nightmare. DD only started her new school in September because we relocated and several other girls warned her about this child. Nevertheless, DD is naive/too nice and befriended her to her detriment. I had to get VERY arsey with the school before they actually did something about the fact this girl was calling DD nasty names every day (ugly, fat etc - DD is actually skinny and this girl is overweight), making fun of the fact DD has learning support, shoving past her hard (she’s much bigger than my DD) but never hurting her badly or obviously enough to raise suspicion from teachers she always does an ‘oops didn’t see you there’ thing, and teaching DD very inappropriate things (for example she taught DD a ‘blow job’ gesture 😡). If DD didn’t one day behave however this 10yo liked - such as didn’t play with her that day - the 10yo, who has a TikTok account, would make TikTok’s about her even naming her (I actually pulled her aside in the playground and told her to stop). I know because I found her and follow her!

I didn’t like to ban DD from being friends with anyone as I think it’s important that they navigate friendships themselves but because my DD is gullible this girl would make her feel like shit for 4 days then be sweetness and light on day 5 and DD would say “Oh no she’s apologised and she is sorry for what she did.” I just thought the situation was too toxic. So I have said to DD that she isn’t to go anywhere near this girl and if I found out she did she’d be punished. The mums of other girls experiencing the exact same with their DDs and this child have said the same to their girls. This 10yo has been the same since infants apparently And has a long rap sheet of bullying, inappropriate behaviour and nastiness.

Anyway this 10yo has an interesting family tree. Her parents (who are fully aware of what she is like because I’ve told them, as have others, as have the teachers) were married and had her and her older sibling. They then split up, the mum met a new man and had a baby who is now 3. She then split with him, had a new baby with an even newer man, this baby is 6 months old. The dad remarried and had another child who is now 6, they divorced and him and his new wife, wife no 3, have just had a baby a few days ago, the dad was showing the baby off in the playground at pick up.

I suppose I’m angry because she shoved past my DD again today in the corridor and hurt her shoulder and I’m fucking sick of all this never ending. I’m here fretting my backside off about my my DD getting picked on and her bully’s parents are just in the business of churning out more and more kids. Surely a half decent parent whose existing children have serious problems would prioritise that rather than just constantly changing partners and popping out more?

DH’s sister did the same but on a different level. She split up with her DH (whom she had 2 kids with) and immediately started dating a colleague. She was pregnant within three months of them dating, they weren’t using protection because it’s a ‘mood killer’. Her existing teen and pre-teen were really hit hard by their parents split and within 4 months they were meeting a new partner and preparing to welcome a half-sibling. My niece, who was a pre-teen when this all happened, is very close to us now as a young adult and the anger she feels at her mum moving on and having family no 2 in less than a year of her splitting with her dad has just about broken her, and they barely have a relationship. She feels her mum never considered her or her sister in her plans post-split and I’d have to agree with her.

AIBU to think people should get their houses in order before they bring new people into their kids lives - partners AND babies? I feel that particularly with DD’s bully it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that a lot of her issues will stem from so many changes and inconsistencies in her life, and it’s people like my DD and the other girls in year 6 paying the price for that.

YANBU. Ignore the do-gooders with their MYOB comments.

I completely agree. Yes, it's judgemental but it's true isn't it? From my experience, it's always the same types popping out more kids when they don't bother/are failing to adequately parent their existing ones.

Parenting your child(ren) should be the priority, not bringing more kids into the world in what is usually a chaotic home environment!

If that makes me judgemental then so be it🤷🏻‍♀️
People shouldn't be adding to their family when their existing children clearly have problems that require time and attention to resolve. It's common sense. Put your children first. They need proper attention and the more children you add into the mix the more diluted that becomes....

It's true though

You can tell half the people on here haven't had their kids bullied and it fucking shows.
I can't stand it when schools do nothing. The girl was blasting her kid all over tik tok. School will claim they can't do anything about that, parents like what OP have described won't give a shit and the little twerp will plead her innocence and keep taking advantage of OPs DD.
I don't blame OP one bit for what she has done so far.
YANBU when it comes to people churning out more kids, especially in new and unstable relationships. (Without care or in regards to their older kids or more difficult kids). They need care and attention to address the difficulties they are going through but why bother when you can start again with a new baby, with a new partner and re write the story eh?

Okay so there's a child who has an extremely chaotic and neglectful home life. She has full access to tik tok. She's learning sexual gestures and vile language all at the age of 10 years old.

And you think it's appropriate to gang up with other school mums and form a witch hunt against her?

Oh also, the parents are not having issues with the child.

The parents are the issue.

Even though you said yourself it’s worked 😂

What exactly is the problem with that - are you on of those parents who never punished their child?

Yes, because she is bullying my DD. She is old enough to learn that if she treats people like shit they will soon ditch her.

What would you do? Buy her a crème egg and give her a cuddle?

Is the school taking action to safeguard your dd

You can tell half the people on here haven't had their kids bullied and it fucking shows.

Yep!! I don’t think people realise what it’s like to witness the person you love and adore the most in the world so upset and heatbroken because of someone else and there’s nothing you can do.

I have absolutely no problem teaching this child that bullying does not pay. DD is 11 next month and is having a pamper and pizza party at home. There are 12 girls in the class, including DD, and so I’ve invited the other 10 girls and not the bully. If I’m asked why by anyone, including the child, I’ll be telling them exactly why she has been excluded. I think bullies need to be called out.

Not as much as I’d like them to. They only took affirmative action once I went crying to the governors with other parents, but really a child who relentlessly bullies other girls and has done for 5 years with very little change needs booting out and the other children need protecting IMO

Okay so there's a child who has an extremely chaotic and neglectful home life. She has full access to tik tok. She's learning sexual gestures and vile language all at the age of 10 years old.

Yes which school are failing to safeguard.
They are also failing in their duty of care to support the OPs daughter who needs additional support which the bully in question is taking advantage of and manipulating to her advantage - I wonder where she is learning it from. Maybe school should be addressing the worries of the bloody parents and dealing with the issues being raised by the very concerned parents?!

Enrol your DD into self defence classes. It will give her the confidence to deal with people like this bullying girl.
I agree about people splitting with partners and continuing to breed with very new partners. A friend of my niece has done this, 4 children by 3 different partners in very quick succession, with every new baby the older ones get pushed further away while she's busy canoodling with her latest beau
( all.of the father's are unemployed losers)
I really feel for the kiddies, they always look so miserable and very shabbily dressed

@LakeTiticaca she does boxing! And is very good at it. But she is instructed to not resort to violence unless someone is coming right at her (we can’t justify thumping someone over a shoulder shove, as much as I would be happy with that it’s only DD who would get into trouble for disproportionate force).

The school should be flagging a safeguarding concern as god knows where the child is spending her time on the internet but the child is no responsibility of OP.

I imagine they have but they wouldn’t share something like that with me

This girl sounds like she’s thoroughly f-up by her neglectful parents and chaotic home life, has probably had minimal input from any support services for both her and her parents to deal with her behaviours. The cycle will possibly continue - maybe low educational attainment and/or poor job prospects, maybe a criminal record if her behaviours escalate in her teens onwards, and maybe onto having her own DC in a chaotic environment. No one will want her around behaving as she does now when she’s older.

Some strong people manage to turn their lives around and prove everyone wrong - and I hope that at some point this girl gets the psychological help she clearly needs - but it’s probably not likely. It’s a crying shame that a 10yo is falling through the cracks and no one really gives a shit- it’s more of an inconvenience that’s she’s bullying so the school and her parents will only deal with it on a superficial level.

OP, I hope the bullying resolves itself and I don’t blame you for going to extreme measures to protect your DD.

Totally agree with you OP

I was bullied mercilessly from age 10 until about 13. Was really a very nasty campaign against me by another girl in my class. It still affects me now I think, in a lot of ways. I wish to god my parents had been more like the OP but they didn’t give a shit. Even if I had been told that I didn’t deserve it, it would have been enough.

Fast forward to adult life and I still struggle
with knowing if other’s bad behaviour towards me is deserved or not. These are the formative years and the experiences of a child matters.

how do we know that specifically you threatening your dd with punishment if she interacted with the bully… result in the bullying stopping?

are you saying if you had not threatened to punish your dd, she would have interacted with the bully and still be being bullied?

OP issued no judgement on the family tree, there was judgement on the fact the parents can not control one child, how will they be able to by adding more children and less time/emotional energy into the mix?

It’s a controversial and judgemental opinion, but to be honest, she’s right.

What exactly is the problem with that - are you on of those parents who never punished their child?

hands up. I would never threaten my bullied child with punishment if she interacts with the bully.

I don’t think that’s fair, it’s not OPs child’s job to fix another child’s issues to her own detriment.

OP has flagged all of this up with school, that’s all she can do in that regard. She ALSO needs to protect her own daughter, and therefore needs to put a stop to the behaviour somehow. This shit can lead to lifelong trauma

If these people had their lives in order, their older children wouldn't be behaving as they do, but it's a vicious circle.

Fwiw, I'd report the BJ thing to the safeguarding lead in the school.

I'd also consider moving your child out of the school or at least making sure she doesn't go to the same secondary school as the other girl.

So true.

Parenting choices have wide ramifications.

I agree with you OP. Obese AND a bully? That's a parenting failure.