To think people shouldn’t have new babies when there’s so many unresolved issues with older kids

[YaMuvva]

Yes it’s very judgy but I actually despair at rate of which some people are having new children when they already have problems with their other children.

I say this because there is a girl in DD’s class (year 6, this girl is 10) that is an absolute nightmare. DD only started her new school in September because we relocated and several other girls warned her about this child. Nevertheless, DD is naive/too nice and befriended her to her detriment. I had to get VERY arsey with the school before they actually did something about the fact this girl was calling DD nasty names every day (ugly, fat etc - DD is actually skinny and this girl is overweight), making fun of the fact DD has learning support, shoving past her hard (she’s much bigger than my DD) but never hurting her badly or obviously enough to raise suspicion from teachers she always does an ‘oops didn’t see you there’ thing, and teaching DD very inappropriate things (for example she taught DD a ‘blow job’ gesture 😡). If DD didn’t one day behave however this 10yo liked - such as didn’t play with her that day - the 10yo, who has a TikTok account, would make TikTok’s about her even naming her (I actually pulled her aside in the playground and told her to stop). I know because I found her and follow her!

I didn’t like to ban DD from being friends with anyone as I think it’s important that they navigate friendships themselves but because my DD is gullible this girl would make her feel like shit for 4 days then be sweetness and light on day 5 and DD would say “Oh no she’s apologised and she is sorry for what she did.” I just thought the situation was too toxic. So I have said to DD that she isn’t to go anywhere near this girl and if I found out she did she’d be punished. The mums of other girls experiencing the exact same with their DDs and this child have said the same to their girls. This 10yo has been the same since infants apparently And has a long rap sheet of bullying, inappropriate behaviour and nastiness.

Anyway this 10yo has an interesting family tree. Her parents (who are fully aware of what she is like because I’ve told them, as have others, as have the teachers) were married and had her and her older sibling. They then split up, the mum met a new man and had a baby who is now 3. She then split with him, had a new baby with an even newer man, this baby is 6 months old. The dad remarried and had another child who is now 6, they divorced and him and his new wife, wife no 3, have just had a baby a few days ago, the dad was showing the baby off in the playground at pick up.

I suppose I’m angry because she shoved past my DD again today in the corridor and hurt her shoulder and I’m fucking sick of all this never ending. I’m here fretting my backside off about my my DD getting picked on and her bully’s parents are just in the business of churning out more and more kids. Surely a half decent parent whose existing children have serious problems would prioritise that rather than just constantly changing partners and popping out more?

DH’s sister did the same but on a different level. She split up with her DH (whom she had 2 kids with) and immediately started dating a colleague. She was pregnant within three months of them dating, they weren’t using protection because it’s a ‘mood killer’. Her existing teen and pre-teen were really hit hard by their parents split and within 4 months they were meeting a new partner and preparing to welcome a half-sibling. My niece, who was a pre-teen when this all happened, is very close to us now as a young adult and the anger she feels at her mum moving on and having family no 2 in less than a year of her splitting with her dad has just about broken her, and they barely have a relationship. She feels her mum never considered her or her sister in her plans post-split and I’d have to agree with her.

AIBU to think people should get their houses in order before they bring new people into their kids lives - partners AND babies? I feel that particularly with DD’s bully it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that a lot of her issues will stem from so many changes and inconsistencies in her life, and it’s people like my DD and the other girls in year 6 paying the price for that.

I’ve learnt that speaking to the parents or school is futile. She controls the TikTok account and it’s perfectly reasonable to ask her to take an identifying video down. Parents are allowed to talk to other children! In the same way if I caught a child being horrible to either of mine in the playground I’d tell them off then and there. I find it weird anyone would object to this.

I would not have told my child I would punish them... I would tell them to not play with them, distance themselves, approach a responsible adult, fight back even but I would not punish them for talking to another DC in their class, ffs!

When have I bullied a child? You've invited every single one of your DDs classmates to her party and excluded this one child and will happily tell anyone why you've done it. I'm not saying invite her but you're positively gleeful at finding a way to punish this girl yourself.

Something needed doing - and sadly yes, my DD was bullied at a similar age - but bloody hell!

I would not have told my child I would punish them... I would tell them to not play with them, distance themselves, approach a responsible adult, fight back even but I would not punish them for talking to another DC in their class, ffs!

This child goes between breaking my DD’s heart with nastiness and love bombing her - my DD doesn’t have the understanding that that doesn’t make her ‘a friend who sometimes cocks up’ it makes her a friend she has a toxic and unequal relationship with.
I took the last resort to making sure my DD could see how enriching a life can be without a bully trying to be your mate. I can cope with the pearl clutchers because I made the right choice.

You've invited every single one of your DDs classmates to her party and excluded this one child and will happily tell anyone why you've done it.

Yep.

Otherwise the options are:

• Invite her (I’m not having a bully at my DD’s party)
• Not have a party (why should DD suffer)
• Lie to the bully about why she isn’t invited. I’m not the lying type especially to protect the feelings of a bully. I also don’t agree with lying to children - the truth will not kill them and also they aren’t stupid.

if I have to tell her why she’s not invited (I won’t offer this information unless someone asks) it will serve as a stark reminder that if you bully half the girls in your class you won’t be invited to parties. It’s a fair reason to not invite someone. At what age would you expect children to learn the lesson that actions have consequences, especially when those actions are consistent cruelty to someone who is supposed to be their friend? I’m not tiptoeing around the feelings of a bully or thinking of lies to tell her about why she isn’t invited. I have better things to do.

It's a shame that we disagree on this point actually as I think your initial point re sorting out existing children is a valid one. I also really like the way you pulled up the rather ghastly poster who seemed determined to blame the benefits system that they, and only they, pay into.

I just think inviting everyone else in your DDs class to her party except this one girl is unkind - I'm sure there are 2 or 3 others in the class that aren't your DDs besties that didn't need an invite. And being willing to tell anyone exactly why is a bit unnecessary. But, as you've said - I can cope with the pearl clutchers because I made the right choice - and that wasn't the point of your AIBU so I shall head to my bed now.

So you've learnt to take the law into your own hands by being taught by a parent?

Be careful what you are also teaching your child,

It's really not always a good thing.

The law? 🤣

Its not against the law to talk to children.

I learnt from my dad how bloody good it feels to know your parent has your back, will be there for you and will stand up for you. I was so proud he was my dad that day, he put an abrupt stop to months of hell I’d been enduring.

A poster upthread mentioned how she was bullied and her parents did nothing, and she’s still traumatised by it. I’m sorry that poster didn’t have a parent who stuck up for them and I certainly won’t let me DD ever feel that way.

Feel slightly hypocritical voting YANBU as I had my two close together due to being an older mum and wanting a sibling for my first. My first was the easiest baby though and ND traits didn't show until the second was two! If I'd been aware of issues I may have stuck to one child as fighting the SEND universe for more than one would not appeal to me at all!

@YaMuvva, did you tell the school about the sexual hand gesture? This is a big red flag for safeguarding. They need to know, sounds like it could be from unsupervised Internet use though as much as anything.

I actually feel quite sorry for this child, she not having a great life and seems to be acting out at school because of it.

It maybe horrible for your DD and yes the school should be addressing the bullying. But you also shouldn't be speaking to her directly either and I'd unfollow her ticktock to, as it's also a safeguarding issue. I assume the school know about her ticktock account? they can and should sanction her for bullying happening on social media (although high schools are probably more used to dealing with this).

Oh for goodness sake, please don't justify why you are not inviting your child's bully to her birthday party!
Some people on here are so keen to be seen to be 'holier than thou' that their brain must be in knots from all of the mental gymnastics they have done to come to the conclusion that you are in the wrong for not inviting the bully 🙄
Regardless of this kids home life she needs to learn quickly that her actions have consequences, it's how we learn to get along in society. If we don't learn those lessons we grow up to be antisocial adults that make people miserable (how many threads do you see on here about antisocial neighbours? Do you think they were once perfectly angelic children that just went rogue when they reached adulthood)
Perhaps not being invited to the party will teach her a lesson that her parents have neglected to teach her.

Don't be so ridiculous. Sometimes you have to give your child an ultimatum to ensure they understand the seriousness of the issue.
Sadly, this bullying child is a product of a selfish mother. The poor mite is acting out because her mother cannot apparently, survive without a man, while not being able to stay with one for more than 5 minutes. And clearly ignores contraception
I hope you are never in a position like this. Or are all of your children's friends perfect?

I agree with this.

I honestly feel sorry for the children of these people. Total wet wipes who will not prioritise supporting their child.

I stand by what I said earlier too that these children whose parents think they’re incapable of doing wrong and that a 10yo brain doesn’t understand that calling a so-called friend a r*tard is wrong, produce the bully kids and then sit in denial claiming their precious darling is incapable of being unkind.

You are conflating lots of different issues and getting distracted @YaMuvva . You need to only focus on the issues affecting your DD to be able to resolve anything effectively. If there is any hint of your views on the outside issues of this family in your conversations with the school, you will lose all credibility and that will be to the detriment of your DD.

You will also if your child was bullied like this.

As I’ve already said, I’d have taken away PS/iPad/phone privileges or cancelled plans she has made with her friends (for example swimming)

Why, what did you think I’d have done? Locked her in the chokey? (no room, DS has been in there for the last week)

Ita a shame that of all the people who have criticised me for banning my DD from engaging with her bully, not ONE has shared what they would do in my situation. Apart from saying they’d call the school and insist her bully gets emotional support but I’m assuming that post was a joke.

Not really, I’m not trying to ‘dictate’ anything with anyone. but everyone judges - we SHOULD judge, if we didn’t judge we’d never have safeguarding in place

I did, of course.

Im amazed so many people are alarmed at an adult speaking to a child. I speak to all my DD’s friends, and I will tell them if they shouldn’t be doing something.

I know it’s so pathetic!

The boys in my class heavily outnumber the girls and so the 12 girls largely get on and there is a culture of all-girl invites to parties. A bit tickled by the prospect that to spare the feelings of the child bullying my DD I should Uninvite a couple of girls. Why are people so happy for innocent kids to suffer just to spare the feelings of the school bully?

It has worked because I told my DD not to engage with her and she hasn’t. The bullying is worse when DD engages.

I have no control of the body of the bully and no control in where she walks when in school. Did you think I did?

Anyway, update: the school are going to have one of their ineffective ‘chats’ with the bully but ‘no one can corroborate that DD was shoved’. Yeah I know they bloody can’t FFS because her bully made sure it was discrete enough to escape notice.

Anyway I went to reception and said I wanted a phone call from the Head ASAP so I’m waiting on that now. I’m not having my DD physically hurt by someone who is practically twice and tall and twice as wide and it go unchecked

Schools don’t refuse to deal with bullying because of the beliefs of victims parents. HTH.

Part of being a bully is that you don’t get invites to parties. I don’t care if they’re kids.

My interests are more with the birthday child and them not having to be a people pleaser. Why should she make allowances for someone who makes her life miserable? Women on here empower each other not to be people pleasers all the time (which is right), so why should a young girl have to be one?! The OP’s dd shouldn’t have to shut up and be kind and give the bully a party invite just to save her feelings. Her feelings don’t matter when it comes to DD’s birthday. One of the best lessons OP can give to her daughter is to that her self respect matters and if someone bullies her then they’re out of her life… and out of her parties. A good life lesson to take with her in to adolescence and adulthood.

I totally agree.

And if a woman posts on here about being too much of a people pleaser with her piss taking OH, she’s hauled across the coals for being a pushover. When do people think this people pleasing starts? In childhood, with things like a parent who doesn’t prioritise them