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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

297 replies

BrainAddled · 07/04/2024 22:47

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 07/04/2024 22:50

OP this is too much. My in-laws were lovely but I maybe saw them once a fortnight or so for a few hours. This is too much. Your DH can see his parents, the DC will have lives to lead of their own. A couple of days at a time, no more.

Koptforitagain · 07/04/2024 22:50

You see them a lot already. Frankly that much would drive me nuts. I would hate having them in my house. I think your DH needs a reality check.

Caerulea · 07/04/2024 22:51

That feels like an awful lot already tbh. I don't think you're unreasonable to ask that's dialled back let alone put your foot down on the holidays too.

Can't they move down closer rather than monthly lengthy trips?

wearefreespirits · 07/04/2024 22:51

I actually think I'd leave if I was in this position. I'm far too introverted to handle this kind of schedule in my home.

Does he stand up for you when the IL's criticise? He should.

Icannoteven · 07/04/2024 22:52

Yanbu. That is a LOT of Time to spend with your in-laws and I like mine!

If you are going to theirs every school holiday then when do you get to spend meaningful time together as a family? What about going away on holiday?

It sounds like he has a very enmeshed relationship with his parents. Does your husband not realise that YOU and the kids are his family now?

PickAChew · 07/04/2024 22:53

If he wants to stillive with mummy and daddy, he needs to bugger off back to them.

theduchessofspork · 07/04/2024 22:53

That’s an awful lot. A guests are like fish - they start to stink after 3 days.

There is absolutely no way I would put up with more than an annual visit of that length (or two if it’s one each way or one is a shared holiday) and I don’t know anyone else who would.

I like my in laws BTW, they live about an hour a way, we see them as a family once a month or 6 weeks at most, usually an overnight. My partner might see them once in between times. We’d do a longer stay once or twice a year, taking turns to host or going away, usually 4 nights though not 7.

Houseplantmad · 07/04/2024 22:54

Why can’t he go and visit his parents in his own. It’s not an unusual thing to do. I don’t see why you should host so frequently - it would be far too much for me.

2chocolateoranges · 07/04/2024 22:54

Wow, that’s far too often as it is.

a weekend every couple of months would be suffice.

as the children get older they will have plans with friends at the weekend.

TheBell · 07/04/2024 22:56

No way!

storminabuttercup · 07/04/2024 22:59

Fuck that. It's too much time to spend with anyone you don't choose to live with.

Charlie2121 · 07/04/2024 22:59

That is beyond ridiculous and incredibly unreasonable. It would be a relationship deal breaker for me.

I see my in laws for perhaps an hour or 2 every few months, certainly no more than 3 or 4 times a year. If I didn’t initiate things I suspect it would be even less as DH doesn’t seem bothered.

I can’t remember the last time my DH saw my parents. It’ll be a few years ago, probably pre-Covid lockdown times.

Timeforachocolate · 07/04/2024 23:03

He can take the children with him.

i think I would be very busy for their next visit
… so he can entertain.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 07/04/2024 23:04

Good grief, that is way way way too much.

And I say that as someone who loves my in laws, and regularly has my parents to stay. (My in laws only live half a mile away.)

SleepPrettyDarling · 07/04/2024 23:05

So they ‘live’ with you 20% of the time?!

PamPamPamPam · 07/04/2024 23:07

And how often does your husband host and visit your family?

AllEars112232 · 07/04/2024 23:08

How often do you see your parents?

Cornishclio · 07/04/2024 23:12

That is a lot. Tell him to go up and visit them.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 07/04/2024 23:13

Fuck that was my instant reaction before reading he wants you to go there in the holidays.

I wouldn't be going there as they upset the kids (and you). No fucking way. Tell him you're not stopping him going, but you will not go & you will not let the children be subject to them without you.

let him sulk.

Molonty · 07/04/2024 23:18

PickAChew · 07/04/2024 22:53

If he wants to stillive with mummy and daddy, he needs to bugger off back to them.

Agree. That honestly would make me want to leave if I have to spend my life with these people in my face every time I turn around. And then to do it all again over all holidays?? And then to be under pressure and tension because you don't want to, that's not a way to live. Send him back to his mummy.

GeniusLevelJaffaCake · 07/04/2024 23:19

My in laws come to see us for 3 nights, 3-4 times per year. They live about 4 hours away from us. We visit occasionally but they're not set up for teenagers, so it's easier for them to come to us.

Hollywolly1 · 07/04/2024 23:20

I never heard the like, simply ridiculous

Meadowfinch · 07/04/2024 23:22

That's absurd, you married your dh, not his parents.

There is nothing to stop him going to see his parents if he is worried about them, but making you and the dcs unhappy at the same time is not part of the deal.

How old is he? It sounds like he hasn't broken the apron strings yet.

StormingNorman · 07/04/2024 23:26

They are staying with you a lot. DH should visit them on his own or with DC if they want to go.

Original poster
BrainAddled · 07/04/2024 23:52

He’s 50. I keep saying to him that I don’t think people have their family to stay so much but he is not interested.
It wouldn’t be so bad if they were easy going.
I have said he can go on his own, but quite sad he would rather do that than be here with us when he has holiday. I did say about spending time as a family and he said ‘my mum and dad are my family too’. I don’t mind them staying but it’s the expectation that it should be so often. They would all like it to be no less than a whole week every month and I have been the ‘bad guy’ for years because I resist this. The kids are on edge when they are here and I am questioned constantly about why I do things and how I should do them differently. I just can’t make him see that I am not the bad person here for not wanting this :(

OP posts: