In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

[BrainAddled]

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

I do hope the OP comes back with more information. Maybe the "poll" will show her and her NVDH that he is totally unreasonable in this.

When they’re with you do they have their own space? Does your DH do all the preparations, cooking, and cleaning? Does he sit and talk to them for the whole week or does he find things to do in the potting shed for hours on end? Has this been going on for years? You must be demented. As a PP says, you may well have one or both living with you eventually, no doubt with you as the default carer, so put your foot down now.

I wouldn’t be able to tolerate my ILs staying for that long every month, and your partner sounds thoughtless. I’d be considering my future if I were you, and asking some serious questions. What is the expectation when they get too old to look after themselves? You already resent their overwhelming presence in your life; how do your children feel? What impact is it having on them? Is this a good model for them to learn?

Our job as parents is to raise our children then set them free.

My PIL very kindly help with childcare so I see them a lot. However, their lives are very enmeshed with the grandchildren. My MIL said that it's like watching the clock/time go by when she doesn't see them/us so we end up spending so much time with them. They want to move in with us but that's another story.

Tooooo much.

OP come back and give us an update.

You nee to explain to your dh that when you make children as he has with you . This is his family and main priority he becomes the head of the house/home .(like you do as a parent)

I don’t think you dh gets it . He possibly is immature even for 50z Yes his parents are his family but he has kids now and he needs to step up Instead of still being the little boy tto his mummy and daddy.

His priority should be his family home being happy .
I don’t think your dh is putting his parents first I think he is putting himself first.

Also my PiL have died but I used to spend a few hours every fortnight with them. They only lived a couple of miles away.

It doesn't actually matter what anyone else does @BrainAddled it matters what you and your dc want. What you and the dc want doesn't hurt your h as he can still see his parents. Making you and the dc do what he wants does hurt you therefore it is not to happen.

It is too much and it is pathetic that he won't take his dc without you, I assume he won't.... but it is obvious why. Even if they wanted to go of course.

Tooooo much

Too frequent and too many nights

If this were me I would challenge their behaviour. You may find then that they are less keen to come.

@Icannoteven

you don’t replace one for the other

they are all family

My parents live a long way away

We alternate visits to each other and stay 3/4 nights maximum

Unless you live in a mansion, it's too crowded in the house

No way! Whether it is in-laws or your own parents, that is too much.

If they can travel to you they cant be so infirm they need regular help yet but he's going to want them to live with you when they do. Tell him if he wants to spend that much time with him he can move back to live with them permanently.

This is divorce territory for me.

I'd hate it as you hate it. The kids hate it too.

Why continue living a life you don't like.

My parents live about a 4 hour drive away. We do see each other about every 6weeks or so. Due to distance we do stay at each other's houses. Maximum 3 nights (maybe 4 at Christmas).

I love my parents but that long at that frequency would really grate. I would insist on separate self-contained spaces.

Has your DH always been like this?

Surely this is not the only problem in the marriage if he has this level of disrespect for you? Assuming you want to stay together maybe you’d need relationship counselling because I think any good Relate counsellor (for example) would be questioning him directly about this behaviour. Sadly it seems youve enabled it for a very long time.

That would drive me insane. Sounds like you have been very patient with the situation. Time to put yourself and kids first .
You said he is 50 . Are you younger?

He must be exhausted doing all the extra cleaning, cooking and entertaining! (Please don't say you do it).
It's your home as well as his and it's time to put your foot down. Even if they were lovely it's too much. He's setting the scene for when one of them dies or can't look after themselves and then it will be a natural progression for them to move in full- time.

You see your in-laws more than I see my parents, who live about 15 mins down the road.

I see my ILs every few months for a few hours. MIL only stays overnight if she's coming on holiday with us.

This really is too much. I like my in-laws but couldn’t cope with this. He is very unreasonable.
It’s difficult as if something happens to them you don’t want to be the one to put the blockers on them, however he most certainly can and should go to see them alone!

I actually see this as two separate issues.

The first is that he seems to want to spend all your holiday time with in laws, as well as a significant amount of time just during "normal life" when they are coming down to you.

The second is that they are not people who make you or the DC comfortable.

If the second was better, perhaps you'd be more willing for the first.

Agree with other posters - does he call them out on the constant negging of you and the DC? Does he help with the hosting when they are here?

As for spending so many holidays with them - ridiculous. I get on with both my family and DH's and neither of us would consider it necessary to spend every holiday with either family.

My in-laws live about 6 hours away. We get on well, the kids absolutely adore them and they are genuinely helpful with childcare and housework stuff.

We see them for about a week at a time, 2 or 3 times a year. Sometimes we go there, sometimes they come here. I must admit I’m kind of over it by the end of the week, much as I love them. We just had them for a week over the Easter holidays. No way could I have that every month, I definitely need my own space back by the end!

I can't stand visitors for more than 2 days. I don't want to visit anyone for more than 2 days either. I just can't stand the upheaval, the faff of cooking show biz meals ( no takeaways available where we live), the whole ' thinking of conversation ' all the time. I feel your pain Op. My husband feels the same thankfully. I am lucky that my family are very close by and can come for an afternoon and then go away. His family meet up every 6 weeks somewhere half-way for all and I love those trips. Never want anyone to stay with us again.

I don't think I could be in a relationship like this. He is not prioritising his kids let alone you. Because of the time with his parents but also because he let's the criticise you!! That's awful.

Frankly the amount of time is weird as fuck.

I would tell him to get a grip or me and the kids would be gone.