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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

297 replies

BrainAddled · 07/04/2024 22:47

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 08/04/2024 07:22

That's awful. You are not being a bad person. Tell him they can stay for the weekend and that's it.Also interested to know how much you see your parents

AlpineMuesli · 08/04/2024 07:25

He wants his parents one week a month.
Is he ok with your parents (or another set of your family) staying the same amount of time?

Venturini · 08/04/2024 07:25

No no no no no no no. Sounds horrific. Stand your ground, for your kids sake as well as your own. Seeing them for a few days every couple of months or similar is plenty.

Oooeeeoooaa · 08/04/2024 07:28

That's a lot. My MIL doesn't visit at all, she sometimes phones DH on his mobile but never shows interest in the children. She doesn't like the country we live in, often negative. We used to think it was too far but she travels same distance to see her other children. Saying that we don't have a good relationship so it is to be expected. We are very easy going and I think we would struggle with the visit frequency you described in the OP.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 08/04/2024 07:31

That's an awful lot of cooking washing and cleaning and getting the room ready for your husband. It is him that does all that of course isn't it?

rainbowstardrops · 08/04/2024 07:32

I absolutely would not tolerate that! It wouldn't be so bad if they stayed local but not actually with you. It's a big fat no from me!

AstralSpace · 08/04/2024 07:34

Your dh sounds deranged. He can see how they treat you and the dc, just says 'sorry about that' then is annoyed that you're not willing to accept more of the shit behaviour?
Stick to your guns op.

Greenkindness · 08/04/2024 07:34

That sounds like a lot but it’s neither here no there what I think really.

My mum used to come over once a week, but that was great for us (a great guest because she is super-flexible, helpful in the house and with the DC, supportive to me, babysat and brought meals!) so fine. To some people that’s a lot but it was a massive help for us and we were all happy.

But it’s your home and it’s up to you who you have in. If you’re not feeling happy/comfortable and it feels too much, that is the bottom line. And if he can’t see that or respect it, I’d be upset.

Nicole1111 · 08/04/2024 07:35

Has he ever had a conversation with his children about how they feel about his family visiting for these extended periods?
And when you highlight their bad treatment have you ever said to him, “so just to be clear, you’re fine with them treating me and your children poorly and aren’t going to do anything about it?”.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2024 07:36

You are 50? You are old enough to know that this is going to get even worse. Honestly, I would get my ducks in a row and I would separate. I think you would find your children would be happier as well.

x88mph · 08/04/2024 07:36

My ILs also come for extended visits. They are good, kind people but it still puts me on edge having they stay for so long. The DC adore them though, and vice versa. If they were making DC feel comfortable in their own home, I'd be suggesting much less frequent visits. Does your DH not see that the DC also do not enjoy the visits?

Threewheeler1 · 08/04/2024 07:38

Seriouslynonono · 08/04/2024 00:57

😲

I know!
Crikey OP, you're a stronger woman than me! 😬

Ineedcoffee2021 · 08/04/2024 07:40

Id go insane, i need my space and my time and thats too much of it being invaded
He is being unreasonable in every way

Makes me glad we live on the other side of the country to MIL cos she can be much like yours sounds and it drove me nuts when she stayed for a month on holiday. By end of her stay i was literally hiding in my bedroom, not even making a coffee, so was DD

Alwaysalwayscold · 08/04/2024 07:40

Let me guess - they still expect the be treated like guests,?

Sunnnybunny72 · 08/04/2024 07:52

Not normal.
I'd be fearful for what the future holds and all their expectations as they age, become frail and one is left alone.
I would truly split over this.

Mulhollandmagoo · 08/04/2024 07:58

How is you relationshio with your parents? Could they start staying as regularly so your husband gets a feeling for what it's like?

The amount of time they stay is excessive - would a couple of shorted trips work better? A couple of weekends per month instead? One at yours one at theirs?

RosesAndHellebores · 08/04/2024 07:59

@BrainAddled mine did that too. The North to London. They liked to get the money's worth out of their ticket! MIL could be difficult and was set in her ways and after 35 years has still not found the kettle

TBF if yiur DH is 50, they are presumably approaching or mid 70s? It's likely one of them will stop being up to the journey in the next few years so likely to be time limited.

FIL died in 2008 and MIL cut it back to 2/3 times a year and shorter. Since Covid we only go to her now.

Your children need lots of sport, music, revision activities in the holidays and pre-booled outings with friends to conveniently counter trips north.

LlynTegid · 08/04/2024 08:01

A week at Christmas (or there if they host), not otherwise. Same if it was your parents, same if they were saints.

LakeTiticaca · 08/04/2024 08:03

This is insane. Your home is not your own.
I wouldn't tolerate this and would be issuing the ultimatum. Its stops or divorce papers will be issued.

Eddielizzard · 08/04/2024 08:07

My lightbulb moment: it's ok to be the bad guy. I don't want to see my IL's either. Now my DH sees them on his own and I tell you, it's great! Literally the moment I'm out the door, they descend. Scarper before I'm due back.

They still have to get on with you since you're their DIL. You can be pleasant and lovely to them when you do see them, but you really don't have to see them so much.

Accepting the situation as it is really helps. Yes your DH isn't happy about it, but neither are you. A good outcome is for him to see them on his own. Truthfully, it's probably what they'd like too.

Fathomless · 08/04/2024 08:10

PinkArt · 08/04/2024 00:25

The kids are on edge when they are here and I am questioned constantly about why I do things and how I should do them differently.

Have you spelt this out to him, if necessary as bluntly as this? It's not a nice thing to hear about your own parents but he has to hear how this is making his family of choice feel in their own house.
If he wants to spend more time with them, then that's his choice, but he definitely doesn't get to make that decision for the rest of you and he needs to hear that there will of course be an impact if he chooses to spend all his holidays with them and not with you.

Agree. I wouldn't put up with guests overstaying and being rude to me in my own home.

Nanaof1 · 08/04/2024 08:10

BrainAddled · 07/04/2024 23:52

He’s 50. I keep saying to him that I don’t think people have their family to stay so much but he is not interested.
It wouldn’t be so bad if they were easy going.
I have said he can go on his own, but quite sad he would rather do that than be here with us when he has holiday. I did say about spending time as a family and he said ‘my mum and dad are my family too’. I don’t mind them staying but it’s the expectation that it should be so often. They would all like it to be no less than a whole week every month and I have been the ‘bad guy’ for years because I resist this. The kids are on edge when they are here and I am questioned constantly about why I do things and how I should do them differently. I just can’t make him see that I am not the bad person here for not wanting this :(

That is way too often! Anything more than a week every three months is just TOO much. As for spending holidays with them, not only "NO" but "HELL NO!".
What's next? Have him move his parents into your house permanently? Does he have siblings? Does his culture have anything to do with why he acts as he does concerning his parents?

Give your NVDH a pair of scissors and tell him to cut the apron strings.

Your family unit consists of you, NVDH and your children. That is the family that needs to be happy, ALL of you. Not just him.

colourfulchinadolls · 08/04/2024 08:13

This sounds like you see them loads already. Bloody hell.

I like my in laws but no way would I want them in my house for one week out of six! You need your own space and downtime. Definitely say no to him OP and if he's that desperate he can go on his own.

Zanatdy · 08/04/2024 08:15

I doubt there’s many people who have their in-law’s over as much as you. The fact he wants even more is ridiculous. The kids want to enjoy their school holiday, not be there and feel uncomfortable. Put your foot down, you’re doing more than enough already

Reeceseggaddict · 08/04/2024 08:16

BrainAddled · 07/04/2024 23:52

He’s 50. I keep saying to him that I don’t think people have their family to stay so much but he is not interested.
It wouldn’t be so bad if they were easy going.
I have said he can go on his own, but quite sad he would rather do that than be here with us when he has holiday. I did say about spending time as a family and he said ‘my mum and dad are my family too’. I don’t mind them staying but it’s the expectation that it should be so often. They would all like it to be no less than a whole week every month and I have been the ‘bad guy’ for years because I resist this. The kids are on edge when they are here and I am questioned constantly about why I do things and how I should do them differently. I just can’t make him see that I am not the bad person here for not wanting this :(

Why not tell his parents before their next visit.. email something like “this is not up for debate and I don’t even want a response to this email… but can I ask you to to keep your opinions about how I parent/run my home to yourself when you next visit. You’re a guest and I want to be able to live my life without myself and my kids being judged during your visits. You visit very often for extended periods and if you were to stop with the criticism then the children and I might enjoy your visits. As I said, this is not up for debate because it’s my home and my children all feel the same so we’d simply like you to stop the comments about what we do in our own home.”

show it to your husband and then add him in as a cc so they know he knows.

Your DH is a mummy’s boy and needs to cut the apron strings. A weekend once a month would be the absolute max I’d do. 3 nights max. Ideally once every two months.