In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

[BrainAddled]

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

How often do you see your folk, op?

Just to give another context, My DH’s family live abroad and we see them twice a year, once for two weeks when they stay with us and we normally go to them for a week. We also tend to spend Christmas together most years.

The two weeks is about a week too long for me if I am honest but is manageable as it is only once per year and they are generally reasonable. We have a language barrier though and I speak their language as a second language and it is a bit tiring.

i could not do what you are doing and wonder if it has always been like this or if it has changed? I agree with PPs that if you are doing lots of the hosting work, rethink that. The situation may very well alter if your DP has to do more! The ILs may be surprised though but stick to your guns. You could say something like, ‘DP is responsible for hosting work now, so please ask him if you need anything!’ That will probably ruffle a few feathers if they are traditional!!

Why did he ever move so far away from them?

Once a month for a whole week is far too much, he must be aware that it isn’t normal? It would drive me mad, what do they do for a week, go places or just hang around the house?

it must be a weird family dynamic, do your in-laws and your DH have friends or are they just dependant on each other for company?

We see my in laws maybe once a month or every 6 weeks for about 2/3 hours. I’d hate to see them more than this. They’re so dull and don’t ask anything. They don’t even know what job their own son does!!

He’s lost it... Bulldozing everyone else’s (you and children’s) happiness for his own. Very selfish. Hate to say it but I don’t think I could be with someone like that.

what would his ideal situation be if there were no restrictions at all? And does he enjoy his parents company? X

Since he's 50 your ILs must be in their 70s upwards, they'll come a time when they don't feel able to make the journey so what happens then? Will he expect you to move closer to them or have them live with you? He seems to leave all the work to you Op and your ILs sound quite unpleasant so it's time to get this out in the open. Have a bloody great row if necessary but your DH doesn't get to control your life or your DCs.

He's more concerned with being a good son than a good husband and father.

^ This!

There's nothing stopping him seeing more of them on his own. If you were the only one having issues with the frequency and duration of their visits, I'd have more sympathy for him, but unless you're lying about your DCs' opinion, everyone but him would prefer a more normal visit schedule?

Can’t he go visit by himself sometimes?
I go see my parents on my own sometimes.
it suits me and DH both. I like having my parents to myself lol

Agree.
Infact I'd find in-laws stopping over way too intrusive period.
B and b all the way.
No way would I put up with them disrespecting you in your own home.
And as for dh's 'sorry about that '.... unreal.
Your answer.
'They can't stop anymore....sorry about that'.

Remind DH he is MARRIED now - which means NOT clinging his DPs so much like a small child.
Remind DH that you and DC do not actually LIKE them and actually dislike them and do not want to have the contact that much or even at all.
Ask why therefore he thinks you should have them to stay so much in the circumstances. He is forcing them upon you. Is it his culture - is he Asian?
Tell him he is not a baby any more - to need to be with Mummy and Daddy. Make fun of him and let kids joke about it too!
Unless there is a very large inheritance at stake of course?

Can you do some couples counselling to try and explore why he is so inflexible and intolerant to your needs and wishes here? He sounds like a selfish twat.

I'm wondering if DH us from a culture /background where more involvement with extended family is normal or expected? Or if there is some history or situation that would lead to increased dependency on each other?

For some families high levels of contact and support with parents and other family members is normal and I would say traditionally people would live in fairly close proximity, facilitating this fairly easily.

That's not to say you have to be like that if you don't want to but maybe DH and his family just have a more traditional view of things or there is some emotional co-dependence there.

think about what they do. What they question, what they criticise. Do it to him for an evening. When he snaps you say that’s what having your parents to stay is like all the time. He needs to pull his head in.

what does he do while they are here? What does he organise and take care of? Do they criticise him too and he just doesn’t notice?

I’d double down and make the visits every other month. He can’t force you and your children to have guests you don’t like in your home.

He goes by himself.

Do you have a big enough house to lose a room for 25% of the time? Big mistake 😄

Another one asking about any cultural factors. Most of my colleagues are S Asian and the women move to the in laws on marriage so there’s that default expectation of living with your son and his family. Causes a lot of issues for my female colleagues who are also expected to do the caring alongside their jobs.

Does your DH have siblings and do they get the same expectations?

This is wildly abnormal even for families who get along well.

I'm with @Aquamarine1029
As someone else mentioned when you were dating he presumably wasnt spending a week ler month and every holiday day with them? This must have devolped over time, no?

I also think you need clear tactics to actively manage them when they come down @crumblingschools advice is good.
Activities
Id take the kids out to places the GPs wont like to give you space, or get ticketed events so they cant join and you should go because otherwise you'll let them go to waste.
Hosting
do not making up beds for them if you are let DHDH (dickhead dear husband) do it

Separately i cannot imagine your marriage is otherwise good so let him do what he wants but do not let him ruin your childrens childhoods by inflicting the inlaws on them at every turn

Edit: this would also be divorce territory for me. Both for my own sanity/wellbeing and for my children.

Thats insane. I could not cope with that.

This sounds like a good idea. He needs to recognise that this is extremely unusual & unreasonable behaviour & he doesn't listen to you or his kids, which is, frankly, shocking.

This would be divorce territory for me.

That’s mental.

My inlaws are also tense people. They know this, and so when they visit (about every three years) they stay in a nearby hotel for a few nights.

My folks stay once a year for 5 days.

Your husband sounds very unreasonable. If his parents came for a week every month and so did yours, you would be living with parents for half of your life.

I think just say no. Say this is not normal, he is unreasonable for asking and you and the children do not want it.

He’s an arse hole. I would honestly leave him over this. I could not tolerate anyone, even my own mother in my home that much. And I wouldn’t want to spend time with parents any of them mine or his, that much. Has he no life. No friends. No hobbies.
The only way to show him what it’s like is if you could have two people he doesn’t love to stay for similar periods of time over the next year but who the fuck could tolerate anymore guests.
You are so beyond unreasonable it’s not imaginable to me. Good luck to you but he’s 50, will he change?
what’s he like other than this? Because this is so far beyond normal.

That's a lot OP. My in laws live 2 hours away and we used to see them for a weekend once every two months (either is visiting or them coming to us). Now my FIL is sadly dead and my MIL is not very mobile, we still sometimes go for two nights, or DH travels there by himself more often but only for one night.

They upset the children and put them on edge? And this is up to a quarter of their time?

OP, I think the visits need to stop completely, or be reduced to a much more infrequent and short occurrence. This is your children's home they're invading and upsetting them. I feel very sorry for them.

You need a very serious talk with your dh. If he prioritises them above your family, I'm afraid he needs to move out and then he can host them whenever he wants.

If he can't even try and understand where you're coming from, he's the 'bad person'(to use your words), not you.

Do you know why it's so important for him to see so much of them?

You are putting your husbands wants before your children's needs. They shouldn't spend so much time on edge/anxious in their own home. Why have you tolerated this for so long? Tell him to go back to mummy and daddy's because your children come first.
Please can you explain why you just meekly go along with this when it makes your children unhappy?