In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

[BrainAddled]

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

Tell him fair is fair and your parents should stay with you for the same amount of time each month and should get the same number of visits per month.

He won't want that at which point you can ask him why your parents aren't your family like his are

How does DH treat you otherwise OP? This issue seems like he thinks he has the upper hand and you're expected to fit in with what he wants.

What ages are your children? As they get older, they'll start realising they aren't going on day trips, can't meet up with their friends in the holidays like all their friends are doing. This'll be on your DH, not you!!

It might be he helps when they visit, but if he doesn't do much, then I'd start to sit back and not think about getting extra food in, leaping up to cook meals at the usual time. Also, start planning to go out for coffee with your friends while they're visiting, so you have some respite. Then, no matter, what the says, you stay at home. Let him sulk, be miserable, argumentative, but let him go and when he's gone, do exactly what you want!

How often do you see your parents. And how would you feel if your OH says you couldn't see them more often?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!
I like my in-laws but if my husband insisted on them living in our house one week every month, then I would be moving out! It’s far too much. You and the kids are his immediate family now and his parents are still important family to him, but at 50 he really needs to cut the apron strings. That would give me the absolute ick. I would tell him that he can go stay with them one weekend per month if he needs to see them so often, up to the kids if they want to join him or not. Honestly this is a hill I would die on. For reference - my in laws live a 5 hour drive away and we go there 2 weekends per year and they come to us 2 weekends per year.

Be blunt - it’s not happening because you and kids don’t want it to happen and that is a majority vote in the house. I would tell him it’s your home too and he doesn’t get to dictate. I would also tell him if he keeps up, they will be his only family and he will be signing divorce papers , because frankly I couldn’t put up with this. He is basically trying to move them in, and I bet you top dollar there will be a visit when they just don’t go home. You need to prepare for this and make your boundaries known now.

Yes, this in spades.

I came on here to say the same kind of thing as some others. There will come a day when one passes away and you will be expected to have the other to live with you permanently. This is a serious situation, OP. I once had a partner who was enmeshed with his family. I came second to his parents all the time.

Is your DH a good husband in all other ways? Or is it always his way all the time? I think you have some thinking to do about your marriage.

In laws haven’t come to us in about 11 years.

DH takes DD and Ddog 2-3 times a year for 4-5 days at a time. (Nobody can handle any longer than that. Their family is enormous and overwhelming.)

I go for a couple of nights every 3 years or so.

No.

Her husband is 50.

OP - this is horrendous. YANBU

It's a hard no.tell him you and the children are not happy already with the amount of time they are spending in your house and their behaviour and he needs to evaluate his priorities and boundaries or he will be looking at the end of his marriage

It's not at all normal to have family coming to stay for a week at at time, every four to six weeks, and to be spending every holiday with them.

It's also not normal for someone to bully their spouse and law down the law in the way your husband is doing. The whole dynamic sounds really unhealthy to me and I would be considering the future of my marriage.

Another one here who would leave. I couldn’t cope with this, it’s not normal or healthy.

This would be suffocating OP. This is far too much and far too often, suggest regular face timing or phone calls lead by DH instead and shorter visits say every two months gradually moving towards quarterly weekend visits.

As someone I worked with once said guests are like 🐠 they stink after two days. This is so true. Two days I can cope with but after that I really want my space back.

I imagine it’s his parents putting pressure on him to visit so often and he in turn for an easy life is putting pressure on you.

Why do they have to stay as long OP could they not stay in a hotel or stay for less time and visit less often?

If DH won’t acknowledge your feelings about this he needs to feel some of the pain and inconvenience when they visit. He needs to play a more active role. Next time plan a night out/meal out or two or activities and treats for you next time they visit so you are out of the way and he is inconvenienced by having to entertain them, socialise with them, tidy up after them and cook for them. This might make him think harder or twice about them visiting so much or so often

Does he spend as much time with your family and friends if not I would consider stepping this up and scheduling some visits in.

Good luck.

PS I would be seriously tempted to move to a smaller house so you no longer have space for them, having another baby so no space or splitting with DH if he cares so little for you and your feelings.

It doesn't sound like the children want to go,I can't say I blame them.

Don’t like my ILs much. Couldn’t imagine having them in my own home. It’s my DHs home too, so he’s welcome to host them, but I’d be heading off on a short haul holiday somewhere sunny EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’d also support him seeing them every holiday if he wished, and he’d respect that I want to spend my holiday a different way.
I hate this idea that one person has to want to do what the other wants. It’s really unhealthy; we’re not owned when we’re married.

Show him this thread @BrainAddled .

So when they come down for a week is your husband at work?

How much holiday does he get?

Enough to visit them plus family holidays?

I might be willing to combine a holiday with a couple of days with them.

Does he know that the kids aren't interested?

Also start standing up to them when they criticize you and the children don't put up with their crap, that will put an end to this nonsense

To be honest I know how he feels.
My parents live down south and we live in the north. I want my parents to be a part of our DS’s life and so most school holidays we go down and stay with them and they come up here once a month and stay for around 3 nights.
We see his parents once or twice a week as they live about 15 minutes away.

Fuck that for a game. If he wants to see so much of his parents why did he leave their area in the first place?

With a rational head on before I suggest you LTB, could you look at moving closer to them as a family so he can see them more often but for hours instead of days at a time, and crucially, on his own? Obviously that might not be feasible at all.

DH's Mum visits twice a year on average for 3 weeks at a time as she comes a long way, but she stays with SIL nearby, thank god. I find that trying and disruptive enough as everything we do has to revolve around her for the duration, and DH carries a lot of guilt if he misses a day with her due to other life stuff. I simply could not cope if it was us she stayed with.

Your DH is being ridiculous! I got on very well with my ILs but that would be too much. To spend that amount of time with ANY people outside your immediate family is asking a lot, but when those people aren’t the easiest to muddle along with then it has to be a hard no! Bizarrely your DH is aware they’re not the easiest and expects you to just suck it up. Who made him lord and master? 5-7 days is too long also for a visit. They’re not coming from abroad! A long weekend every couple of months is more than enough. And maybe you visit them a couple of times in the school holidays for a few days. That’s enough. Any more than that and he can visit them alone. It’s ridiculous he expects you to spend that much time with them! Is he like this about other things you’re ‘expected’ to suck up as well???

@BrainAddled wow!! you are a brave soul!!! That would drive me crazy having in laws staying every month!! can they not stay in a hotel? that stay is ample for everyone. I presume your hubby takes time off to look after them when they are at your house and he cooks and cleans for them???

Does your husband like your parents? Is he happy with the arrangement?

I would hate my house not being 'mine' for a week every single month

This is insanity!

We see my parents every few weekends or so - sometimes more often (i.e. we may see them every weekend for 2-3 weeks depending on plans). They never stay over and we stay over there once in a blue moon (they have a small house).

My FIL we see most weekends (he is widowed) although this is reducing now as he's got a new partner so isn't lonely anymore and is being kept busier. He stays over once a year on Christmas Day.

We are a close family, and all like each other (bar the odd little annoyance that you generally get with family from time to time) but I think we see each other plenty!!