In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

[BrainAddled]

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

Would showing him this thread help?

He's more concerned with being a good son than a good husband and father.

I just couldn't cope I'm afraid. My in-laws are similar, MIL & (step) FIL are very critical & he is very cruel & controlling with her which makes her really snipey with all of us (she screamed at me last time, in public at my kids school, cos I wouldn't allow him to control the situation on my son's leaving day assembly). She's lovely when visiting on her own.

They come for weeks at a time from overseas BUT they do not stay with us partly due to lack of space & partly due to us having 3 dogs & sFIL is frail & one dog is reactive. So they stay nearby which means I can manage my time around them, as can the kids cos they struggle too.

Can your DH not accept them getting somewhere to stay? Is there a way to make your house unhospitable for them? This is deeply unfair on you & the children & he's being incredibly selfish.

I'd suggest he visits them alone sometimes. Tell him. It will give him good quality time with his parents.

The kids are on edge when they are here and I am questioned constantly about why I do things and how I should do them differently.

Have you spelt this out to him, if necessary as bluntly as this? It's not a nice thing to hear about your own parents but he has to hear how this is making his family of choice feel in their own house.
If he wants to spend more time with them, then that's his choice, but he definitely doesn't get to make that decision for the rest of you and he needs to hear that there will of course be an impact if he chooses to spend all his holidays with them and not with you.

I get on brilliantly with my in-laws; they've never stayed in our house overnight! They live about 1.5 hours away.

I see mine about once every 10 years. In your shoes I would find some way to shut him down and deffo not comply.
When his 'rents are there I'd leave him to do the work, feign illness, go out etc.
Easier said than done I know, but you must not be a doormat OP!

You need to remedy this and put your foot down. If you don’t it’ll escalate when one of them passes away and the other moves in with you permanently.

Oh gosh that's far too much! My parents are about an hour away, we see them about once a month for between a few hours and 2 days. My inlaws were a few hours away, we saw them about every 3 months for 3-4 days.

At our wedding the sermon was essentially you are a new family and partnership and this is your number one priority now. It’s true, Direct mean you abandon the past but you prioritise your partner and kids. He needs to grow up.

OP I’m curious has it been this way forever or is it something that’s developed over time? Does DH notice his parents getting older, has one of them been sick?

Every month for a week is too much, YANBU at all.

How often do you see your side of the family?

Do they need to stay as long as they do when they visit? What does your DH say when they criticise you? Does he know the DC struggle when his parents visit? He needs to visit them on his own, could you alternate him visiting with them coming for shorter stays and DH stepping up to tell them they are being rude and disrespectful

I think you need to find your anger here, OP.

Tell him it’s your home too and you don’t want them here any more than you’re comfortable with.

What about your family, do they get a look in or is it all about his?

Also, you need to be more abrupt with in laws and answer back every time.

I’ve seen it often suggested on here when a relative is being rude to repeat back what they said or ask them to repeat it, and then ask them to explain what they mean (preferably in front of DH if it is one of his relatives being rude)

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I'm going to be very, very blunt. You need to grow a fucking backbone and put an end to this absolute batshittery.

Tell your husband that the inn is CLOSED as you will no longer be made to feel uncomfortable and disrespected in your own home. He can either visit his parents on his own and he leaves you the fuck alone about this or you can get divorced. He is holding you hostage to this madness. Perhaps he needs to move back in with mummy if he thinks so little of you and your kids.

This is far from usual.

DH and I (and the children) get on really well with both sets of parents, who are easy going and a pleasure to be around.

We see them once a month for an afternoon and every 4 months or so overnight (for one night). Granted we live within 2 hours radius but if it was a longer distance the set up wouldn't change all that much.

We are in regular contact by phone/text.

There is no way I'd host my parents or in-laws for a week every month/6 weeks or spend every school holiday with them.

I'm interested to understand how much does your DH help with hosting? Is he cleaning rooms/bedding? Doing the additional cooking/shopping?

Also where do your family fit into this? What space is there to see family other than his?

He's right that they are family too...but you and his children are now his primary family unit. That's the priority.

I can't fathom his thinking. Is he being bullied into this by his parents and making this your problem to make you the bad cop?

Or is he still tied to the apron strings? You say they can be difficult- does he actually enjoy having them to stay? When they do does he spend more time with them than you and the children?

How does it play out when they visit? Does he spend time with his family/all together or bugger off elsewhere leaving you to deal with everything?

Upshot is it's not just his home. It's yours and the children's too. His "say" isn't final.

I'd think about what you think is reasonable and stick to that as a boundary.

If he won't agree then I'd down tools and make clear that every aspect of hosting his parents (from making a cup of tea to full meals/cleaning rooms) is his responsibility.

I'd do my own thing when they visited, including with the children.

I'm not sure if he's selfish or weak (maybe both) but his actions are very unattractive in a partner.

I'd make that clear and suggest that if he likes their company so much maybe he'd like to move back home like a manchild because he'll have to revisit his current accommodation post divorce.

I like my PIL enough that my DD, her friend and I just spent 5 days at their FL home with them without my DH for school holiday. The expectation is that we all briefly see each other for coffee/breakfast, do our own things during day and have dinner together each evening. This is plenty and I will not see them again for several months for a dinner or a day out.

I would refuse any situation close to yours OP

How often do your parents visit, Op?

I would send DH up to visit his parents once per year for three days and also visit as a family for three days.
Other family holidays I would consider only youselves and your children.
As the kids get older they could visit alone for a week of the holidays - that could be a fantastic time for them all and would leave your home free of your inlaws for that time.

When your PIL visit, set standards of more privacy for you and the children and do not agree to longer or more frequent visits.

My thoughts exactly! Why'd he get married in the first place?

If he wants to see them more just tell him to move back in with them.

I agree with everyone else. He is enmeshed with his parents. This is very odd.
My in laws stay 2 times a year generally for 2 nights . They live 4hours away . We visit them once and stay one night. We might meet at a family gathering as well ( so 4 times a year)

If they were nearer we might see them more but I would never contemplate them for more then a few days . The last 4 day visit had me o edge.

you DH need to prioritize YOUR family perhaps with a holiday.

Put your foot down in no uncertain fashion about this nonsense.

You are never going to be the good guy here, so stop trying.

He needs to decide who his family is.

Far too much. That's an insane expectation.

Do they pay their way when they are with you?

This is good advice. And if you're firm in following it you might find they come to stay a little less often

Not that this justifys it but I presume it is a cultural thing?