In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

[BrainAddled]

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

So I remember this so well as a child! We were dragged to the top of Scotland (12 hour drive) every holidays because my dad thought it wasn’t enough they came to us every 6 weeks for a week!
we hated it and they were so blooming rude to my mum I think that’s why we hated it so much!
my mum found us somewhere else to go (lakes or Devon or somewhere) and said why don’t they come there for a change then it stuck with that my mum still got her holiday and my dad saw his parents but it ment my mum didn’t have to stay in their house and be moaned at all the time! Not the best as she still had to put up with them but better than nothing!! Hope you get it sorted!! Xx

God forbid! MIL lives a few miles up the road so DH does see her most days, and when she was younger we appreciated her help having the kids while I went shopping etc. Its hard to imagine a scenario where we were further away and DFIL was still alive, but I'm certain we'd never had stayed more than one night or vice versa.

I wouldn't want my Dad (with or without stepmum, who is lovely) for a week every month, or any of my lovely siblings. Two nights is about the max for your absolute besties, and a nightmare for anyone else. You should have put a stop to this the minute you married / had DCs!

You are totally NBU....!!!!

My mum has often said that she would like to see more of me but I think that if it were for a week at a time, she would soon change her mind.

DH has said that once my step-dad has gone, she should come to live with us, which was very sweet so I didn’t like to tell him that she looked very dubious and said that she she wanted a quiet life.

I have a boundary that people who aren’t nice to me don’t get to stay in my home. My home is a safe place for my children, DH and myself. The only people we host are those who treat all of us well. We also have busy lives and only host when it is convenient for us. I couldn’t imagine having difficult people who didn’t treat my children or myself well in my safe space for a few days a year, let alone a few days a month. I would have told my DH it was either me and the children or them after the second month.

I also don’t consider visiting relatives a holiday. I have very little vacation time and refuse to use much of it doing something that I don’t find fun and relaxing.

Growing up, all of my vacations with my mother involved either going to relatives or hosting relatives in our home. I don’t have fond memories of doing fun activities, seeing interesting things, relaxing and bonding as a family. My memories involve having to give up my room to whoever was visiting or having to sleep on someone’s living room floor. Being expected to entertain, wait on and pick up after people that spent their time complaining, criticizing and gossiping. I refuse to do that to my children and myself.

I think it’s time you set some boundaries with your husband. I would first cut out the monthly visits. They can’t manage to be pleasant guests and your husband refuses to protect you and the children from them, so they no longer stay in your home. If they want to travel to your town, they can stay at a hotel or AirBnB and your husband can spend time with them there. If you and the children feel like seeing them, you can go to their lodging and then you can leave when they start their rudeness.

The only way I would agree to travel to them would be if I stayed in an AirBnB and had my own car. This way your husband can visit with them as much as he likes and you and the children can do your own thing when they become unbearable.

Your husband has a long history of good times with them that outweigh their bad behavior for him. He loves them partly because of the good memories and he is used to their rudeness and can easily ignore it. You and your children don’t have that history to fall back on. It seems like most of your history with them involves them being critical, rude and unpleasant. Your husband needs to understand and accept that the behavior of his parents and his unwillingness to stand up for you and your children has created a situation where you and the children aren’t happy around his parents. It is time for him to man up and be a husband and father, not just a dutiful son.

Visiting that often would make me 😜.
The next time you are questioned about why you do something a certain way just simply state - that's the way I do it and I will continue to do it that way.
I'm sure your teens want to stay home.

Hi I'm so sorry to read this. It sounds as though he is being far too controlling of you and kids and laying down a load of his own 'rules' which are completely unreasonable. You shouldn't be having to make these really obvious points and he's not actually listening anyway. Do you feel strong enough to push it a bit more? Can you enlist support? Where are your own family in all this? Do you get to see them? This feels quite deep seated and I really hope you can get it together to push back and set some reasonable boundaries. Good luck!

I see my in-laws once a quarter ish and they come to us and we go to them about evenly.

Oh wow. No way, just no way. This is already far too much for me. Who stays for a whole week, that’s ridiculous. What on earth are you all doing together for all that time?

@BrainAddled how are you and have you discussed things with your DH yet?

Blimey! A weekend a month would be my limit and that’s too much. You must have the patience of a saint x

Suffocating. Too much.

Is he a mummy's boy?

How old are your DCs? The older they get, the more they have their own lives and will start (if not already) to resent putting their lives on hold for 1 week in 5 plus the school holidays.
I get on well with my parents, as does DH, but spending over 20% of the year with them is a no.

Even my Grandma who lived 25 mins away was someone I saw less than that! Way too much. I see mine about twice a year. Flipside, I'd be sad if I only saw my DC twice a year. I guess I'd want to see them every couple of months but I wouldn't want them staying for a week!

That's more than an average of a whole day a week - far more than most people spend with anyone they don't live or work with!
I don't know how you solve it, but he's being very unreasonable!

Once every 3 months

So your in-laws are the human equivalent of a period, coming once a month for 5-7 days and the visit is dreaded, uncomfortable and painful!

You're a far more patient woman than me, OP.

So, gin and tramadol are the answer to both!

My DH was fostered so no parents but my widowed mum in her eighties comes to stay for a week a month and he doesn’t object - but she is easy going, helps around the house and our four teenage children love her visits so probably a bit different. If anyone was criticising me in my own home now that I’m in my fifties, honestly, I’d tell them to leave and find a hotel they liked.

I have talked to him today, thanks to you all. I explained how I am happy for him to see them as much as he likes but I don’t need to increase the time I see them because I don’t enjoy being got at in my own home.
So he is going to see them on his own for a few days next holiday, which I think is a good compromise. Thank you again to everyone. You really have helped me in what is a tough situation x

I would never have started them coming every month. If you have teenagers it has obviously been a habit for years and stopping habits is harder than never starting them. I'd have refused when the idea was first suggested. Teenagers aren't going to want to visit grandparents in holidays anyway. Does he have no hobbies? Why does he not want to do something more exciting in his holidays? He sounds a bit boring.

He has his own family now ,they are his no 1

My in laws are lovely but like most others a saying we see them for a few days at a time. We have a similar situation with some extended family, they make a big deal about all being together but are really challenging to be around and it’s just not relaxing so I get how you feel.