In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

[BrainAddled]

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

Agree with this. Too much. There’s no way I’d allow to 5-7 day every 6 weeks. Omg no. The thought makes my skin crawl

My in-laws live 15 minutes away and we see them maybe a few hours every other week. I see my parents once a week for a few hours as they live near my sons swim class (30 minutes away) and he asks to go (my partner works shift so doesn't always come).
I like my in-laws but would never have them stay in my house for more than 2 nights , same with my own parents.

Yes he owes you. You've gone above and beyond.

OP, when you have your upcoming talk with your husband, emphasise how grateful he should be to you for what you've already done. By that, I mean grovel at your feet grateful. All the appreciation...

Then tell him the pisstaking is over because the nonsense doesn't work for you or for the kids any more.

He can go to visit them on his own if he wishes, but the teenagers will not be spending their free time hours away from their mates.

Don't back down. Let the chips fall where they may.

Tbh, I'm a MIL and I find it stressful visiting my ds and the dgc . I love them all dearly including the ddil and luckily we live near enough not to need to stay over. But still, I couldn't stay for more than a night, and that's never happened yet anyway!

You are a saint for putting up with this! This is absolute madness!! Does he not realise that while they are family, you and dc are now his close family and your needs trump extended family. I agree with being very busy when they visit and making him do all prep and hosting duties and the clean up after might make him realise how ridiculous it is!

Is he an only child and mam never cut the apron strings?

It's terrible! They sound awful quite frankly! And he is not being appropriate or fair to you! Or the kids!

That's a lot! I don't like my in laws, and see them about 2 times a year, and this this is way to much!

If they are not going to be nice to you, I suggest telling your husband "if they are going to be mean, I don't want to be seeing more, if anything, less"

I feel very sorry for you. My DH is an only child and his parents wanted to be a part of our little family so pushed themselves on us every opportunity. We went to theirs every sunday for lunch ánd tea, and sat there watching paint dry because we hadn 't anything that could possibly have interested them. Then we had children, and all in-laws did was adoringly sigh "how big they become". Children stopped going once they were big enough to stay home alone. I tried taking my patchwork or something to at least occupy my hands (I have a touch of ADHD) but they got angry, why couldn't I just sit and be with them? They're not longer with us but I still get nightmares.

Well, you know what your response should be the next time they descend on you and criticise your choices, 'Good Heavens! I'm amazed that you want to come here so frequently, given that you find so much to dislike.'

Is your husband feeling guilt and/or pressure? Did he move down South for you?

Do your in-laws approve of you?

How does everyone fit in with your parents?

Can you go see your parents sometimes when he goes up north? Can you stay home sometimes when he goes up north? With (preferably) or without the kids?

You need to work out what commitments you can tolerate as part of wider family life with husband.

You seem maxed out on commitment. I would never have got together with in-laws as often as once every 6 weeks.

(Around) Christmas, Easter, Summer BBQ and some birthdays, and the odd weekend, was my limit. Plus a few annual group family holidays.

But maybe involve some low and high tech.

Suggest your husband calls them once a week, just by telephone or online f2f video?

I suggested my husband met up with MIL midway once a month for lunch (about 45min travel time for both, she doesn't entertain)

He never really took to that one, once all the organisation and activity was his. It was to prevent his mother just turning up when she felt like it, without prior warning.

For the first 2 decades of marriage, I made his mother welcome, and I made her his responsibility. But her just turning up was a "no-go".

So set your boundaries. And work out a plan for the next 12 months.

Seriously, if you know when you're next getting together - It's something for everyone to look forward to.

There is no way my in-laws would be staying in my house for 5-7 days a month.

Wow, it's already far more than most people see their parents/in-laws who live a distance away. Tell him that neither you or your kids want that, if he wants to do that he can go on his own, nothing stopping him!

It can be difficult when you live away.

But a compromise has to be found doesn't it?

I wouldn't want them every week for a month.

Especially if he is at work most/all of the time(?)

exactly this.

A WEEK every month/6 weeks??? And they’re not particularly nice to you??? Fuck that shit!! I’d be telling your dh to grow some balls cut that to a weekend every 2-3 months and he can go to them on his own when he has a holiday!! Christ!!

Sounds like he should move back into his very own little bedroom with his very own mummy and daddy.

I agree with everyone else it's a lot already. I only see my in-laws once every couple of years but that's because they live in Ireland and DH doesn't really like them much anyway. I only see my own mum once a month for a couple of hours (although I would love to see her more if she lived nearer) and the kids normally have a sleepover at hers just one night during the school holidays.

tou are absolutely not being unreasonable, especially if the kids struggle too. I share your pain. Mine are overseas so come for 3-6 MONTHS a time. It’s challenging

That’s far too much already, and would drive me mad. One weekend every 4 months would be ample, have they heard of FaceTime?

Your husband sounds unaware, a bit controlling, needy and selfish.

It’s your life, and family, and you should be able to live it without the over frequent, and unwelcome (by the sounds of it) in laws.

Time to put your foot down I would say!

Good luck

You need to pull an Equal Opportunities move, speak to your parents (or any relative you think you can confide in) you enter an agreement that they come over to your house for a similar amount of time for the next 3 months. If hubby so much as twitches, tell him you see his relationship with the ILs and you want a similar relationship with your lot. Hopefully he’ll get the message. Provisionally tell him you want to sit and schedule the holiday visits and put in a hectic travel schedule. For instance drive north for IL and the drive south for your lot. Wishing you luck.

Oh op I’m afraid I’m very like your dh! If I could move my mum and bro down here I could. They live in Dublin which is unaffordable for us and I want my kids to know them better than they do. They know dh’s family like they live with us as they’re just down the road and don’t know anything about my family and my family doesn’t know enough about them. It’s not the same seeing them here and there, you just want them in on your everyday life

edited to add I do see your side too though

toxic44
Sounds like he should move back into his very own little bedroom with his very own mummy and daddy.
I never get this attitude- why is it ok for women to be in constant contact with their parents ( I know this isn’t op’s case) and men are slagged off for it? I have 4 boys and it’s a bit rubbish that it’s assumed once they move out if they keep contact with me it reflects badly on them!!

Your husband is not considering you or your children. It’s more than usual.
Tough shit if he doesn’t agree with you , if you don’t want to visit them during the holidays as well. Tell him to go on his own.
This is your life. Your children. Your marriage. It about compromise.
You are doing enough by having them EVERY MONTH! . Let him sulk. It’s this way or you leave him? This is nonsense!!!!

That's more than enough time to spend with them OP, I get that he wants to spend as much time with his parents as possible (having recently lost my Mum) and maybe entertain going to see them once a year, but rest of time he has to go on his own, either that or they move down nearer you. Doesnt help that they are critical and your kids don't want to see them.either, How often do you see yours? With my late husband's mum we visited her 2-3 times a year and she might have visited once, then taking it in turns to spend Xmas and new year with each parent , when we then moved up near MIL, I tended to visit my mum on own with kids, very rarely spending Xmas with her but she drove so could visit us a bit more anyway. Your Husband is stupid if he doesn't realise or ignores the fact that his parents are rude and critical.and his own children don't want to see them,

YANBU but also I don’t think it should always be them coming to you. Sometimes you should go to them instead. Is OH feeling guilty about them being so far away? Does he have any siblings? Would they move nearer?

It’s different for me MIL and SIL died, so it’s just FIL and he lives in the same town as my parents nearby to us. FIL always gets invited to family “parties”, and OH will go and see him about once a week.