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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum won’t stop having man-child brother around my home

197 replies

50shadesofrainbow · 07/04/2024 16:59

So my mum lives with me and my school age kids, she has done for some years now. It worked quite well in some ways, however there was always a issue with my brother. She does some cooking and the dishwasher and can look after the kids here and there if I need her to.

I am a single parent and it’s my house. I pay all the bills, mortgage and for a cleaner plus the majority of the food. I work full time, around my kids.

So she has a very strange relationship with my brother. They need to see each other every day. I don’t get along with my brother as he’s just doom and gloom, insults my kids, bitches about me and makes a mess. He doesn’t have a job or any inclination to work and lives off of my parents who pay all of his bills and expenses. He is in his 30’s.

She has him over to the house every single night. As the kids come home from school he then appears and doesn’t leave until 9/10pm. I can’t stand it. This is quality time with my children and he is there ruining it.

My mum and I have had serious arguments about this and I’ve said he can come over 1-2 nights per week max. Which seems more normal! She refused to have that conversation with him until I absolutely forced it, saying he needs her and it’s not fair that he can’t come over. Then she didn’t really speak to me for a few weeks after that and he was even more cold with me.

I’ve been unwell recently and since then mum has had my brother over every single day again. Sometimes he comes over for a few hours, leaves and comes back! It’s as if he lives here. There is just no respect for my wishes at all and despite the clear boundary I put in place, she’s just walked all over it at the first opportunity.

I’m so fed up and don’t really know what to do other than ask her to leave and/ or move in with my brother and they can see each other all day everyday.

AIBU??

OP posts:
brocollilover · 07/04/2024 17:01

who’s house is it?

Sunnydays0101 · 07/04/2024 17:01

Give her written notice t0 move out within a certain timeframe.

pjani · 07/04/2024 17:02

I think it’s time to live separately. If it’s truly her home, you shouldn’t police her visitors. But I wouldn’t want to see my brother every day either.

BlondeFool · 07/04/2024 17:02

Surely if it's your house, you ask her to leave 🤔

MiffedandMiserable · 07/04/2024 17:03

I don’t get why your mum lives with you and you seemingly pay for everything, but your parents pay all your brother’s bills? Why doesn’t he just live with them?

2chocolateoranges · 07/04/2024 17:04

If it’s your house and you pay all the bills then she is bang out of order, can’t she go to his to see him.

tell him you don’t want him in your house and if she can’t agree to that then she needs to move out, simple. She is disrespecting you and trying to force a relationship by inviting him to yours.

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 17:04

insults my kids,

for this alone…. he’d be out and never back again . ever.

come on op. show your kids their mother has a backbone and tell him to leave

Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2024 17:04

You pay all the bills for a house that you live in with your mum, but your mum and dad pay for your brother’s living expenses?! That is very odd.

Where does your brother live?
Where does your dad live?

It would make far more sense for your mum to move out and just pay her own living expenses.

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 17:05

he lives off your mother

and yet you pay everything for her

so essentially you are supporting your brother

Bluesky91 · 07/04/2024 17:05

It’s her child! You can only ask her to move out, but you don’t get to tell her how often she sees her child. YABVU

Can you go upstairs to spend quality time with your kids while your brother visits? CaN any arrangement work at all?

Mimrr · 07/04/2024 17:08

Too many questions. Where does he live otherwise? Where does he eat? Why has your mum moved in with you?

Original poster
50shadesofrainbow · 07/04/2024 17:08

Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2024 17:04

You pay all the bills for a house that you live in with your mum, but your mum and dad pay for your brother’s living expenses?! That is very odd.

Where does your brother live?
Where does your dad live?

It would make far more sense for your mum to move out and just pay her own living expenses.

I know, it’s insane!
My parents aren’t together and dad is happy to support brother as much as he can. Mum moved in to help out and because the kids liked having granny around plus financially it’s easy for her. Although that saving is going to my brother, so inadvertently I support my brother too!

Brother is either staying with a friend, in a flat share or on holiday. It varies.

OP posts:
ADoggyDogWorld · 07/04/2024 17:09

Your mum mooches off you and your brother mooches off your mum, what about your dad?

GabriellaMontez · 07/04/2024 17:09

insults my kids

Why is he still allowed in your house?

Ask her to leave. Or meet him in a coffee shop or at his house.

And as a pp said, you are supporting her so she can subsidise your brother.

Have you thought about replacing her with a lodger and looking into a good babysitting agency?

Cuppachuchu · 07/04/2024 17:09

This is weird. Your mother needs to go and live with your brother and they can both leave you in peace with your children.

clairelouwho · 07/04/2024 17:10

Time for her to move out, OP.

Neither of them are ever going to respect your boundaries and you know it so there's no real other option. It's a really odd set-up.

So, you pay for all living expenses for all of you (yourself, kids and DM) but your DM and DF pay for your DB's expenses. So, essentially, in a roundabout way, you are subsidising your DB.

I get that there are some benefits to having your DM living with you, but this sounds untenable and it sounds like she's loathe to restrict DB's visits. Why can't DM live with him instead? Then they can see each other to their hearts content.

Original poster
50shadesofrainbow · 07/04/2024 17:11

Bluesky91 · 07/04/2024 17:05

It’s her child! You can only ask her to move out, but you don’t get to tell her how often she sees her child. YABVU

Can you go upstairs to spend quality time with your kids while your brother visits? CaN any arrangement work at all?

I honestly can’t imagine me spending my entire evenings upstairs with my kids so she can entertain my brother for hours on end every night.
I get it’s her child but I am also her child and it’s too much for me to see him everyday. This wasn’t part of the deal when she moved in.
He currently lives in a flat share and I feel she could go and see him, or they could go out somewhere together. Then have him over 1-2 nights a week.

OP posts:
Neverpostagain · 07/04/2024 17:12

Does having her live with you outweigh the inconvenience of having bro over? If she is a huge amount of help and support for you then maybe it is. If you could easily manage without her and you wouldn't miss her at all then clearly it isn't. You decide! What you can't do is ask her to help and then police her life. If it's not working out for you, ask her to go.

DaftyLass · 07/04/2024 17:12

Clearly she needs to move in with your brother, if she isn't respecting your boundaries.

MoonWoman69 · 07/04/2024 17:12

It's your house, your rules! You pay the bills. And no, as one poster suggested, you shouldn't have to go upstairs for quality time with your own children, whose home it also is!
I can't get my head around the dynamics here at all though. Why is she living with you? Is she able bodied? Does your father also live with you, as you mention your parents pay for his living expenses?
YANBU at all to not want your brother around all the time, he sounds like a PITA to be honest, rude and disrespectful to boot.

Ah sorry, just seen the updates... Nope, I'd ask your mother to move out. You aren't responsible for his bills etc, which is basically what you are, seeing that the money your mother is saving goes to him! There's no way I'd tolerate that kind of moochery, however much I loved mother!

Original poster
50shadesofrainbow · 07/04/2024 17:14

clairelouwho · 07/04/2024 17:10

Time for her to move out, OP.

Neither of them are ever going to respect your boundaries and you know it so there's no real other option. It's a really odd set-up.

So, you pay for all living expenses for all of you (yourself, kids and DM) but your DM and DF pay for your DB's expenses. So, essentially, in a roundabout way, you are subsidising your DB.

I get that there are some benefits to having your DM living with you, but this sounds untenable and it sounds like she's loathe to restrict DB's visits. Why can't DM live with him instead? Then they can see each other to their hearts content.

I agree with you. I don’t think DM is ever going to respect my boundaries as this relationship with DB is the most important thing in her life right now.

I can’t see any way working other than they live together instead.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/04/2024 17:15

She needs to move out, that’s all there is to it.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 07/04/2024 17:16

You need to ask (tell) her to move out. You've put clear boundaries in place. You do not need to go upstairs in your own home so other people can visit. She's shown she isn't willing to respect you, your home or your children. If your brother lives in a flat share, they can rent somewhere together.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 07/04/2024 17:17

You need to put a stop to this op ir it will seriously have an impact on your mental health.
Agree with all pps that you supporting your mum financially is enabling her to support your brother.
And you should absolutely not have to go upstairs in your own home when he's there.
If he and your mum don't work, can't he visit during the day while you are at work? A condition could be that he's gone before you get home?..

TonTonMacoute · 07/04/2024 17:17

You need to read the riot act re your freeloading brother, they are grossly abusing your good nature.

His visits to your house are restricted to once a month (or whatever you choose, maybe never), if she wants to see him they meet elsewhere.

If she can’t agree then maybe you have to end your agreement and she and brother find somewhere to live together.

I have no doubt this will cause a big row, the worse the CFery, the more outraged the perpetrators are when they are called out on it.

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