Mum won’t stop having man-child brother around my home

[50shadesofrainbow]

So my mum lives with me and my school age kids, she has done for some years now. It worked quite well in some ways, however there was always a issue with my brother. She does some cooking and the dishwasher and can look after the kids here and there if I need her to.

I am a single parent and it’s my house. I pay all the bills, mortgage and for a cleaner plus the majority of the food. I work full time, around my kids.

So she has a very strange relationship with my brother. They need to see each other every day. I don’t get along with my brother as he’s just doom and gloom, insults my kids, bitches about me and makes a mess. He doesn’t have a job or any inclination to work and lives off of my parents who pay all of his bills and expenses. He is in his 30’s.

She has him over to the house every single night. As the kids come home from school he then appears and doesn’t leave until 9/10pm. I can’t stand it. This is quality time with my children and he is there ruining it.

My mum and I have had serious arguments about this and I’ve said he can come over 1-2 nights per week max. Which seems more normal! She refused to have that conversation with him until I absolutely forced it, saying he needs her and it’s not fair that he can’t come over. Then she didn’t really speak to me for a few weeks after that and he was even more cold with me.

I’ve been unwell recently and since then mum has had my brother over every single day again. Sometimes he comes over for a few hours, leaves and comes back! It’s as if he lives here. There is just no respect for my wishes at all and despite the clear boundary I put in place, she’s just walked all over it at the first opportunity.

I’m so fed up and don’t really know what to do other than ask her to leave and/ or move in with my brother and they can see each other all day everyday.

AIBU??

Could it be because OP from age 16 has been used to sorting out her own shit and not depending on others, said others to include the mother who charged OP board but lets her darling son freeload as much as he wants?

indeed it could “well be”

whilst you’re out at work
and kids are at school

given your mother doesn’t work and he doesn’t work - why doesn’t she invite him over during the days for the hours that the property doesn’t have you and the children in?

It sounds like it would work much better for your mum and brother to live together, if she (and your dad) can finance it. If local, she could still potentially help you out now and then. It doesn't sound like you gain much else from the current arrangement. I don't blame you for finding it all very difficult- much as I love my family I'd go crazy if I had to see any of them at my house every day.

Jesus woman!
your house! You’re paying for everything.
ask her to move in with your brother.!!
surely you don’t need us to tell you this appears to be the only way forward as she’s ignoring the other conversations you are having.

Sorry op but this is of your own doing - your house your rules- your kids and yourself come first. Either stand your ground or suffer. Also completely ban your brother from your house to within a week or two it will be back to him coming every night.

Your mother is inviting someone who insults your children into THEIR home - a place where they should feel safe and protected, a place that should be their haven. And she is opening up their haven to someone who insults them, is rude to their mother, messes up their haven. She is the one who invites him into THEIR home.

You've tried to make it work, @50shadesofrainbow, but it's just not possible. She priorities your brother over you and over your children / her grandchildren. She is polluting, for want of a better word, your/their home.

Nope, time to ask her to make other living arrangements.

As an aside, I'm wondering if her having it so cushy at yours is part of the problem. I have observed that for some people - the more that is given to them, the more they demand. They do not value something that they get for free, they do not see it as kindness on the giver's part, they quickly come to see it as themselves being ENTITLED to everything. I think this may be going on in your mother's head. She feels entitled to have everything the way he wants it, and the fact that you, her host, do not want it simply isn't important to her. She is ENTITLED to have everything as she wants it. She does not value the home that you provide for her. I think she should leave.

Your house, your rules.

They are not really considering your wishes. They won’t like it but you need to sit them down and tell them that he is allowed over twice a week provided he leaves your home as he finds it.

Good luck.

There's a thread about this sort of stupid response running right now.

READ THE FUCKING OP!

God this is awful. Plenty of good advice on here without me adding more. I hope you manage to work things out 🌺

Your mother’s and brother’s behaviour is completely unacceptable. It is you and your children’s house. Your mother has absolutely no respect for the clear boundaries you put in place, she needs to leave.

You are so right indeed @DetOliviaBenson , and I don't see how @Bluesky91 can suggest the OP goes and sit upstairs with her children, in their bedrooms maybe, so as to leave the whole downstairs to her mom who's a guest and not even a paying guest. I think mom could go upstairs and sit there with her son as long as she wishes. Mind you, no loud conversations once the children go to bed.

She needs to go if she won’t respect your house and rules. You pay for everything and you have the right to some quiet relaxing evenings. It would drive me mad for my brother to be round every evening and making lots of mess. He sounds like a teenager.

@TonTonMacoute yeah CF’s rarely take boundaries lying down so there will be a kick off l would imagine

It's OP's house, she pays the bills and you expect her to go up stairs in her own house to spend time with her children so her mother can entertain her lazy arsed brother. Who incidentally, OP is subsidising in a roundabout way.

Your brother needs to start living his own life, get a job, have his own friends and interests. Is it a case of mutual reliance? X

Maybe they should live together?

Seriously?
you want her to disappear upstairs in her own home?

Your mother needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it's your house, not hers or your brother's. Let your mother sulk, your priority is your children. They both have to abide by your rules or the two of them can go swanning off into the sunset together.

Wow they sound very enmeshed and co-dependent. Tell her you’ve had enough and she needs to go live with him. Maybe then she’ll encourage him - and he’ll feel compelled - to get a job and pay his own way. Right now you seem to be funding everyone’s existence.

I’d be willing to bet the reason he’s such an unhappy soul is that he’s so tangled up in mother’s apron strings.

YANBU for not wanting your brother around all the time. But YABU spending everyday with your mum and denying your brother the same. I think the only situation that would work here is for your mother to move out, it is not far to ask her to choose between her children.

Tell her it either stops or she needs to go . Unless you think there is a compromise possible like him coming to her neither of you in home ?

Would you mind your freeloading brother coming to your house during the day, instead of the evening? He could still spend time with your mother but not intrude on your evenings with your children. If that's not suitable for you, repeat the 2 evenings per week max to your mum and explain she'll have to move out otherwise because the current situation is not working for you.

It all depends how caught short you are.

Your mother either lives with you because you need her to, or she lives with you because you need her to.

So if mum disappeared tomorrow, could you still manage as a single parent?

Got your school drop offs and pick ups sorted?

If so, don't be selfish. Your brother needs her attention. So set her free to care for your brother.

Or is sharing mum a problem?

You know, you need her. But also brother needs her. And you're both fighting over her???

If you don't need mum to support - she's probably best moving out to support your brother.

If you do need mum, you need to learn how to compromise.

Because your entire post was about you and what you do - and nothing about what mum does for you.

the irony! 😆