Mum won’t stop having man-child brother around my home

[50shadesofrainbow]

So my mum lives with me and my school age kids, she has done for some years now. It worked quite well in some ways, however there was always a issue with my brother. She does some cooking and the dishwasher and can look after the kids here and there if I need her to.

I am a single parent and it’s my house. I pay all the bills, mortgage and for a cleaner plus the majority of the food. I work full time, around my kids.

So she has a very strange relationship with my brother. They need to see each other every day. I don’t get along with my brother as he’s just doom and gloom, insults my kids, bitches about me and makes a mess. He doesn’t have a job or any inclination to work and lives off of my parents who pay all of his bills and expenses. He is in his 30’s.

She has him over to the house every single night. As the kids come home from school he then appears and doesn’t leave until 9/10pm. I can’t stand it. This is quality time with my children and he is there ruining it.

My mum and I have had serious arguments about this and I’ve said he can come over 1-2 nights per week max. Which seems more normal! She refused to have that conversation with him until I absolutely forced it, saying he needs her and it’s not fair that he can’t come over. Then she didn’t really speak to me for a few weeks after that and he was even more cold with me.

I’ve been unwell recently and since then mum has had my brother over every single day again. Sometimes he comes over for a few hours, leaves and comes back! It’s as if he lives here. There is just no respect for my wishes at all and despite the clear boundary I put in place, she’s just walked all over it at the first opportunity.

I’m so fed up and don’t really know what to do other than ask her to leave and/ or move in with my brother and they can see each other all day everyday.

AIBU??

Id be giving her notice to move out. It's your house in your sole name not hers. She can't dictate who is in and out of your home

OP

I fear there is no easy soultion other than you give in, or you and mum keeps on falling out and she moves out

As you know, your bro, your sibbling is blood. You mother is a mum and mum to both

Sibblings often fall out, wind the other up, we still do it. The big burnden for you is mum lives with you in your home.

It will only get messy, so i ma not sure what the solution is other than you put up with most of it

Good luck

You have a hell of a lot more patience than I do! he doesn't even pretend to like you and comes to your house, eats your food and messes up your kitchen!

I do think you need to tell your mum that this isn't working for you anymore. Do you think she has been saving any money by living with you or do you think she has given it to him?

Definitely sounds best if your DM moves in with your brother. That way everyone will be happy.

If you don't want your DM to move out I think your only other option is to address it with him directly.

If that doesn't work... I would very politely and delicately tell her that you've loved having her but the system no longer works for either of you. To prevent damage to your relationship you think it's best that she moves out so she's able to see DB as much as she likes. When she tries to claim you're the bad guy I would act totally shocked and say you are only doing what is best for the whole family because you love her too much to make any other choice.

DM needs to move back with DF and take D(isgusting)B with her.

Are you sure he's really in a flatshare? It sounds like he has no where else to go. He could be sofa surfing, or in a car, and coming round when you're at work in the day. Then reappearing in the evening. So basically sneakily lives at your place.

It sounds really stressful and unfair on you. Your Mum probably feels obligated to help him, but, it's not what was agreed at all. Maybe ask your Dad to help them find somewhere together, as they may not do it.

Ugh this would drive me mad

It's time she moved out.

Take out the family element of it. If you were letting out a room to someone and you didn't get along with any of their "behaviours" you'd give them notice and ask them to make alternative living arrangements.

Your mum should be allowed visitors whenever she likes wherever she's living but that doesn't work for you so she's not the right person for you to live with.

Obviously asking her to leave comes with cons too - ie help with children but you're well within your rights to not want him there all the time so ask her to leave.

If that "child" insults her kids and treats her badly then yes she has every right to ask him not to come. WTF would she have to go upstairs to accommodate a rude idiot?

Can your mum afford a flat share with him? That would be the best thing.

It's scary to be confrontational OP, but just remember you aren't telling her to be mean, you're telling her to protect your home and your family.

She doesn't have to understand that, and she may not even react calmly or reasonably, but that's no reflection on you or what you have to say to her.

She simply needs to move out.

It is absolutely unacceptable that she has facilitated someone in your home speaking badly of you and your children, and as a grown woman she should be safeguarding your children who love and trust her from people who mean them harm, ill intent or disdain and that includes other family members.

Otherwise, she's complicit in emotional abuse from your brother to your family.

You have already given her an opportunity to respect these boundaries and she hasn't so the consequences of this is she has to go

Well your brother sounds really entitled from your update. Like he thinks it's your mums house.

You have no option now but to confront this yourself.

I'm a lone parent and this situation would enrage me. Our lives are tough, very little respite and the weight of everything on our shoulders. He is adding to that burden.

@UpsideLeft

well no she doesn’t need to be savage

and her mum does matter too it’s not all just about the kids

but in this situation OP’s mum needs to go live elsewhere as the brother sounds a useless entitled male which the mum is enabling. They could live together maybe.

The solution isn’t rocket science, so why haven’t you pulled the trigger and asked her to leave?

I suspect there’s a very long backstory of your dysfunctional family.

Why is she living with you? If she doesn't contribute financially and doesn't help in any way why is she financially supporting dbro?

You say your parents support him - what about your dad?

Thank you @pointythings I was about to suggest that @brocollilover actually went back and read the whole thread again, if they had in the first place! You're more polite than me!

Are you serious? RTFT

You should tell him. It isn't her business to prevent you telling someone to stop coming round so much.

If you aren't happy for your house to be truly her home too then the only fair option all round is for her to move out. Perhaps she and DB could move in together.

Thats a big leap! You said she "sounds jealous!" No she sounds at the end of her tether after they are effectively bullying her and her kids. 😬
The brother sounds entitled and she is indirectly enabling this situation so at least she can change it which is the good news!

Fucking hell why aren't you more angry, I'm livid on your behalf!!!

but nicely dodged the advice that your children SHOULD come first

i’m curious why your mother does such minimal childcare

given she lives with her grandchildren
and her daughter works full time and is a single mother

seems odd that naturally doesn’t end up more childcare than as you say it is - the very bare minimum

This ^