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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum won’t stop having man-child brother around my home

197 replies

50shadesofrainbow · 07/04/2024 16:59

So my mum lives with me and my school age kids, she has done for some years now. It worked quite well in some ways, however there was always a issue with my brother. She does some cooking and the dishwasher and can look after the kids here and there if I need her to.

I am a single parent and it’s my house. I pay all the bills, mortgage and for a cleaner plus the majority of the food. I work full time, around my kids.

So she has a very strange relationship with my brother. They need to see each other every day. I don’t get along with my brother as he’s just doom and gloom, insults my kids, bitches about me and makes a mess. He doesn’t have a job or any inclination to work and lives off of my parents who pay all of his bills and expenses. He is in his 30’s.

She has him over to the house every single night. As the kids come home from school he then appears and doesn’t leave until 9/10pm. I can’t stand it. This is quality time with my children and he is there ruining it.

My mum and I have had serious arguments about this and I’ve said he can come over 1-2 nights per week max. Which seems more normal! She refused to have that conversation with him until I absolutely forced it, saying he needs her and it’s not fair that he can’t come over. Then she didn’t really speak to me for a few weeks after that and he was even more cold with me.

I’ve been unwell recently and since then mum has had my brother over every single day again. Sometimes he comes over for a few hours, leaves and comes back! It’s as if he lives here. There is just no respect for my wishes at all and despite the clear boundary I put in place, she’s just walked all over it at the first opportunity.

I’m so fed up and don’t really know what to do other than ask her to leave and/ or move in with my brother and they can see each other all day everyday.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
50shadesofrainbow · 07/04/2024 18:51

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/04/2024 18:48

Stupid autocorrect. Children, you have to put your own children first. Though, from what you've said about your brother, if you have chickens you should put them first too 😂

😂 chickens tickled me 😂

OP posts:
Whatifthehokeycokey · 07/04/2024 18:52

Unfortunately if she isn't respecting your house rules, then it's time for her to move out. It's your house! She doesn't even pay you any rent.

DetOliviaBenson · 07/04/2024 18:53

Bluesky91 · 07/04/2024 17:05

It’s her child! You can only ask her to move out, but you don’t get to tell her how often she sees her child. YABVU

Can you go upstairs to spend quality time with your kids while your brother visits? CaN any arrangement work at all?

For 5 hours? Are the kids supposed to eat their tea, do their homework and have downtime in their bedrooms because their uncle is a dick who won't leave?

pinkyredrose · 07/04/2024 18:55

It's your house ffs. Tell him he isn't welcome over anymore.

pinkyredrose · 07/04/2024 18:55

Maybe him and your mum should get a place together.

pointythings · 07/04/2024 18:57

I spoke to him about it and apparently I didn’t use the correct tone

The utter entitlement of the man! He's a freeloading POS. Give your mum the ultimatum, deal with the fallout and live your best life without the pair of them. They give me the rage!

iwafs · 07/04/2024 19:00

Why the hell was your mum taking rent off you aged 16 when you were at school but subsidising your 30+yo brother now?????

tell her that it’s not working well for family harmony and that she needs to move out - either getting her own place or one with your useless brother.

Eviebeans · 07/04/2024 19:06

Does your brother have his own place that he pays rent and bills for?

StarvingMarvin222 · 07/04/2024 19:10

How long has your DM lived with you.
And how old are your DC.
This Arrangement would have ended sooner or later, maybe now's the time to ask her to leave.

BusyMummy001 · 07/04/2024 19:11

If he needs her that much, perhaps she should move in with him.

StarvingMarvin222 · 07/04/2024 19:12

Plus @50shadesofrainbow what does your df think of this, cause to be fair it seems a weird arrangement

TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist · 07/04/2024 19:14

You need to put your children first, and it's not good for them to have such a miserable person hanging round the house every day.

You gave your mum clear boundaries and she has chosen not to respect them.

The living arrangement may have worked previously, but it is clearly not working any more.

If you want to give your mum one more chance, then make the boundary VERY clear, and tell her that your brother's presence is having a negative impact on the children and your family life, and therefore you have decided he is no longer welcome to the house on weekdays, but you are happy for him to visit on EITHER a Saturday or Sunday morning. Say that you appreciate that she may not like this decision, but you need to do what is best for you and the kids, and that perhaps her moving in with him would be a better option if she cannot respect your boundaries. .

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 07/04/2024 19:15

50shadesofrainbow · 07/04/2024 18:50

I have said I will speak directly to my brother and she says that it’s best coming from her and that I shouldn’t speak to him about it.

He used to use the kitchen regularly and basically ransack the fridge, cook for himself only and leave mess and grease everywhere and not clean up. This would be after we had had dinner and cleaned the kitchen and washed up fully. I spoke to him about it and apparently I didn’t use the correct tone and was told I was condescending, so that went down terribly and he dislikes me even more for that now. DM used to say it was fine as she would clear it up!!

It’s like he’s a fragile child and we mustn’t upset him. I just don’t understand how an man in his 30’s can behave like this.

Show quote history

Very frustrating. I don't know how you have stayed so calm for so long in that situation.

Cherrysoup · 07/04/2024 19:16

50shadesofrainbow · 07/04/2024 18:50

I have said I will speak directly to my brother and she says that it’s best coming from her and that I shouldn’t speak to him about it.

He used to use the kitchen regularly and basically ransack the fridge, cook for himself only and leave mess and grease everywhere and not clean up. This would be after we had had dinner and cleaned the kitchen and washed up fully. I spoke to him about it and apparently I didn’t use the correct tone and was told I was condescending, so that went down terribly and he dislikes me even more for that now. DM used to say it was fine as she would clear it up!!

It’s like he’s a fragile child and we mustn’t upset him. I just don’t understand how an man in his 30’s can behave like this.

Show quote history

Wtaf? She doesn't get to tell him he's not wanted, OP, you need to do that and really fucking mean it. Your not so dm has epically failed to tell him, you need to do it and kick her out. She isn't just trampling on your boundaries, she's stomping all over them!

Don't be soft, you're being a doormat with them both. She needs to go. Why on earth are you tolerating this still when she's clearly taking the piss and your brother is ruining your home life? It's not her house, he no longer has permission to come in. He's in a flat share right now, she goes to him. Bloody hell, I'm fuming for you!

ARichtGoodDram · 07/04/2024 19:17

This is why when anyone asks about living with in-laws I say you should only do it if you have enough space for them to have a living room of their own as well as a bedroom.

You need space from your brother, but as an adult your mother should have the freedom to have her son (or anyone really) over whenever she wants.

The arrangement isn’t working for you and your children so it’s time to change it!

Nicole1111 · 07/04/2024 19:24

Time for her to go. Tell her it’s your home and you need to have a choice over who enters it. Explain you’ve tried to get her to respect that but it’s clearly impossible for her to say no to your brother so you have to do this. Say it’s important you put your children first and while you understand your brother is her child, he’s actually a grown adult.

dapsnotplimsolls · 07/04/2024 19:27

She needs to move out, she's clearly not going to stick to any kind of agreement.

He can get in the sea.

LakeTiticaca · 07/04/2024 19:29

Why are you even putting up with this in your own home? You need to get tough with your mother. If she wants to be around your brother she can move out and live with him. Otherwise they meet at a different location away from your home. It must be horrible for your children. Put them first instead of others

LivingDeadGirlUK · 07/04/2024 19:34

Sorry OP that sounds like a nightmare, I think its time for your mother to move out, she can move in with your brother and look after him 24/7 if thats what she wants. Maybe you could head over there a few times a week and help yourself to the contents of the fridge while you visit her.

jannier · 07/04/2024 19:37

It's odd but then so is your relationship with mum it's like neither of her children are independent adults

UpsideLeft · 07/04/2024 19:39

Fuck that

I'd go insane in that situation

I'd have thrown my DM out ages ago

They're both taking the piss and completely disrespectful to you and your DC

It's emotional abuse from both of them and then some

This is not normal nice family dynamics

Stop putting up with it

Change the locks on your door and she can find somewhere to live

godmum56 · 07/04/2024 19:39

He behaves like it because no one has stopped him.....

UpsideLeft · 07/04/2024 19:40

Change the locks asap

They can sort their own dysfunctional lives out together

UpsideLeft · 07/04/2024 19:41

You need to

be strong

be tough

be savage

Put your DC and yourself first

Always

It's you and you DC

nameshame24 · 07/04/2024 19:41

Haydenn · 07/04/2024 17:38

Mums ok to stay in your house and be your unpaid childcare, and you want to limit and restrict her visitors?? All sounds a bit controlling and unhealthy to me. Ask her to move out, let her choose to help you as much or as little as she wishes and choose to see your brother as much or as little as she wishes.

A small part of me wonders if you resent her seeing your brother because he distracts her from doing the domestic tasks for you

It's not exactly unpaid though if she gets to live with her DD rent free, bills and food paid for! Sounds like the Mum has the cushty side of the deal and has an unhealthy, dependant, weird relationship with her son!!!
Your house your rules OP. She's taking the piss out of you.