Mum won’t stop having man-child brother around my home

[50shadesofrainbow]

So my mum lives with me and my school age kids, she has done for some years now. It worked quite well in some ways, however there was always a issue with my brother. She does some cooking and the dishwasher and can look after the kids here and there if I need her to.

I am a single parent and it’s my house. I pay all the bills, mortgage and for a cleaner plus the majority of the food. I work full time, around my kids.

So she has a very strange relationship with my brother. They need to see each other every day. I don’t get along with my brother as he’s just doom and gloom, insults my kids, bitches about me and makes a mess. He doesn’t have a job or any inclination to work and lives off of my parents who pay all of his bills and expenses. He is in his 30’s.

She has him over to the house every single night. As the kids come home from school he then appears and doesn’t leave until 9/10pm. I can’t stand it. This is quality time with my children and he is there ruining it.

My mum and I have had serious arguments about this and I’ve said he can come over 1-2 nights per week max. Which seems more normal! She refused to have that conversation with him until I absolutely forced it, saying he needs her and it’s not fair that he can’t come over. Then she didn’t really speak to me for a few weeks after that and he was even more cold with me.

I’ve been unwell recently and since then mum has had my brother over every single day again. Sometimes he comes over for a few hours, leaves and comes back! It’s as if he lives here. There is just no respect for my wishes at all and despite the clear boundary I put in place, she’s just walked all over it at the first opportunity.

I’m so fed up and don’t really know what to do other than ask her to leave and/ or move in with my brother and they can see each other all day everyday.

AIBU??

She's bringing somebody into your house you don't like , no way she needs to leave

I couldn't be doing with someone round every single night , that's today ridiculous, especially as he is rude to you. Put your foot down , they are both disrespecting you .

Find somewhere that is affordable for them both and present them that info with a leaving date.

No - you shouldn't have to do the work for them and they should respect your boundaries. But they don't and you are preventing them saying there isn't anywhere as you've already proved there is!!!

So the next time he’s over you turn off the tv and say “right it’s about time the 3 of us have a chat.” Both of them in the same room. And end with “it’s just not working for me. I think if we can’t make this work for all we ought to look a a change in living arrangements. I get you two a close and it might make more sense for the both of you to rent somewhere together”.

If the OP's mother wants to see her waste of space son every night she can meet him down the pub.

Honestly? I'd give her notice to move out. 30 days.

Tell her she can live with the man child she's 'raised'.

You are supporting him via this arrangement by allowing her to live off of you while giving him her money. And as thanks, she ignores your reasonable requests to not have him in your home day in and day out where he also mooches off of you.

Sorry, but no. She needs to go.

And heads up: there was a thread recently about an 'uncle' who blew through all his inherited wealth and has recently returned to try to move in with a poster's elderly mother. She managed to get rid of him, move him along to a friend's I believe, but there's no doubt he'll have another go as he runs out of funds. He's clearly got his eyes on the poster's mum's house/assets. Your brother appears to be headed in this direction...

Id be telling him

You really need to stop coming round so often, its not on for you to be here all the time. Then when he has had his quoter be firm

Oh what are you doing here, again?
You really need to go home, we need some family time
Why are you here this time?

Tell your mum its not going to work out her living with you if he keeps turning up all the time. Don't blame your mum as its your house and your brother.

Have you lost your mind?

What is with the spate of fucking useless, enabled, entitled man-child incel brothers on threads at the moment?! Jesus fucking Christ on a bike.

She either respects your boundaries or moves out.

She's not a rent/mortgage paying tenant.

Why should she and her children have to go upstairs in their own home (the one she pays for). If her DM wants to see her son every single day, then she should go to him.

Your DM isn't helping you out at all

DM and DB are using you

It's time your DM got her own place

Does she have her own place but chooses to live with you

It's time

Give her 2 months from today

3 months if your DB stops coming over

She can visit him or arrange to meet elsewhere if they're so desperate to see each other at the expense of you, your home, your family

Your safe haven is no longer a home or haven for you or your DC

Write it in a letter

She is contributing nothing

My DM wouldn't dream if behaving like this

@Bluesky91 the only way i can possibly see you saying this is if you're the mum, the brother, or an absolute shit stirrer. OP should sit upstairs with her kids all evening in her own house so her super dysfunctional family can Freud away downstairs???

I’ve just read your opening post @50shadesofrainbow and if I were you, I’d give a final warning. She is welcome to see your brother but it’s at his home. Your brother is not welcome or allowed in your home.
If she can live with that, she can stay living under your roof.
If she can’t live with that, she must pack her things and leave.
Do not give in to her faux tears or her whinging if she doesn’t like the terms & conditions. You own the house. They’re your rules.

In the kindest and clearest way possible you need to tell your mother that you can't have DB at your house that much because of the impact on your mental health and your relationship with your DM. Tell her you don't want to control her life, so you are going to ask her to move out. Give her lots of notice (8 weeks at least) to find a place and tell her she is welcome to come over without DB as much as she likes.

This made me laugh out loud!

It’s her house and can absolutely say how many times her brother comes over. If her mum doesn’t like it, she can move out. Absolutely not unreasonable at all.

OP, time to get tough. Tell DM brother can’t come over anymore without your express permission and if she won’t respect this then she needs to move out.

I'd say it definitely sounds like it's time to reassess your living situation. I love my brother dearly and wouldn't want to see him every night

Are you for real? OP should hide upstairs in her own home?

Simply tell your mum that he isn't welcome round every night. If she can't accept this then she moves out. Doesn't sound as if she brings much to the table anyways?!

I agree that you need to ask DM to move out, OP.

This is about respect and DM and DB have proven they have little when it comes to your boundaries. It's not going to change, so you need to be the one to do something about it.

Your primary job is Mother, not daughter or sister. You need to put a stop to your DB speaking to your kids poorly in their own home.

Right now it does seem like you're modelling pretty poor personal boundaries for your kids. They're watching you get sidelined in your own home every single day.

OP I'm intrigued. What is DM's relationship like with DB when he's over? I.e chatty mother and son kind of chat or is he quite controlling / manipulative. I wonder if he possibly has a control over her, mental abuse that sort of thing? I can't imagine how any sane woman would think that a set up of him coming round every night is fine. Especially when she must be witness to how vile he is towards the grandkids and her daughter?

They both sound like leeches tbh! Get them both out.