Mum won’t stop having man-child brother around my home

[50shadesofrainbow]

So my mum lives with me and my school age kids, she has done for some years now. It worked quite well in some ways, however there was always a issue with my brother. She does some cooking and the dishwasher and can look after the kids here and there if I need her to.

I am a single parent and it’s my house. I pay all the bills, mortgage and for a cleaner plus the majority of the food. I work full time, around my kids.

So she has a very strange relationship with my brother. They need to see each other every day. I don’t get along with my brother as he’s just doom and gloom, insults my kids, bitches about me and makes a mess. He doesn’t have a job or any inclination to work and lives off of my parents who pay all of his bills and expenses. He is in his 30’s.

She has him over to the house every single night. As the kids come home from school he then appears and doesn’t leave until 9/10pm. I can’t stand it. This is quality time with my children and he is there ruining it.

My mum and I have had serious arguments about this and I’ve said he can come over 1-2 nights per week max. Which seems more normal! She refused to have that conversation with him until I absolutely forced it, saying he needs her and it’s not fair that he can’t come over. Then she didn’t really speak to me for a few weeks after that and he was even more cold with me.

I’ve been unwell recently and since then mum has had my brother over every single day again. Sometimes he comes over for a few hours, leaves and comes back! It’s as if he lives here. There is just no respect for my wishes at all and despite the clear boundary I put in place, she’s just walked all over it at the first opportunity.

I’m so fed up and don’t really know what to do other than ask her to leave and/ or move in with my brother and they can see each other all day everyday.

AIBU??

Have you actually read the thread? If you have then you are very very stupid.

Well according to the law she is!! I can’t just supply someone with bed and board and not pay them!!!

Insulting your children? Being rude to you? I wouldn't allow him in my house at all. You've been more than reasonable so far, time for your mother to move out.

Yes because single parents supporting an entire household are known for being awash with money. Maybe OP could purchase her mother a unicorn to ride to visit the nuisance brother.

Ridiculous, her mother is living under her roof

This is what I thought we had agreed on, however I was proven wrong when he just started rocking up everyday again.

I think he is probably manipulating her to agree for him to come over all the time. I realise it’s not a nice position for her to be in as essentially she’s stuck between her kids wishes. I just didn’t plan a life that involved my brother everyday. I can’t stand him and I don’t like how he speaks to my children some of the time.

I realise it’s not going to change as I really thought last time we had a discussion about it that she heard me. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem she did.

I honestly feel like a terrible daughter asking her to move out but it’s for mine and my children’s mental health. It’s taking a toll on us all as it is.

You claim it is odd that he comes every night and I think it is odd that your mother lives with you.

Im not sure why neither of you are not fully independent but I suspect it has something to do with your mother being your saviours!

At the end of the day she lives there, you sound jealous of your brother. Your parents enable him and have they supported you to purchase your house?

Honestly I wouldnt be putting up with this OP, I posted earlier but just seen your update.

I'd tell your brother myself, that he is rude to the kids and he isn't welcome.

Just so we are clear, there is very minimal childcare going on. I work around the school hours and drop and collect them from every activity myself. Very occasionally when I’m sick and can’t do that, she will help if I ask.

However she is the children’s grandparent, so it’s not like I employ her. She does these things to help out if necessary, using her own free will.

You havep no options really. She needs to move out.

Your children matter more than either your brother or your mum.
Telling her to move out is the only workable option.

She'll likely have a tantrum about it but it's worth the short term agro to solve the problem and give your children their home back.

@50shadesofrainbow

It sounds bit too much quite unhealthy enmeshed as in co -dependency type of mother and son relationship,

She pander 's to him far too much

He needs to grow up and just vist reasonably times that you feel comfortable with,

I get it's had its benefits this kind of quirky arrangement for yourself.

You need to be stricter, she and him are taking you for a ride.

Is it possible to speak to dad? Can brother move in with dad and then mum can go visit them as and when she likes?

I’m certainly not jealous of my brother.

I have my life pretty together and it was solely from my efforts, nothing from my parents. Probably as I wasn’t enabled I went out and made something of myself and was paying rent/ housekeeping at 16 to my mother, whilst at school full time and working evenings and weekends. (I know, bundle of fun teenager I was!)

I suppose DM coming to live with us worked for some time for both of us in that she didn’t have expenses and I had some extra help when needed. It’s just not working out with my DB here all the time. That was not part of the deal!

She has to go, this is awful. Pop- up db needs to leave.

I'm shocked at the number of people taking he mother's side and insinuating that OP somehow owes her for help with house purchase, childcare and so on. Internalised misogyny at its very finest.

YANBU OP, but the only resolution I can see is asking your mother to move out permanently.

where are these posts you refer to

You should give her notice to move out so she can live with your brother instead. I wouldn't want to live like this either, and I would happily pay a third party for childminding/babysitting to cover her absence from your house.

I imagine your mum would soon come running back and respect your wishes once she starts having to do her own shopping, pay her own bills and clean her own house. Plus do all the same for your brother given how lazy he is.

Is there any way your mum can have her own sitting area? In her bedroom perhaps? I know for most of us there just wouldn't be room, but it's the only alternative I can think of to asking her to move out.

In practice if you are firm enough with the threat to ask her to leave, you may be able to go back to the 1-2 nights a week.

I wonder if it's actually not working that well for her either these days, and it's just the natural time for this arrangement to end. Things change. Maybe approach it with that angle.

@brocollilover :

17.52, this one: At the end of the day she lives there, you sound jealous of your brother. Your parents enable him and have they supported you to purchase your house?

17.30, this one: You need to set up a separate sitting room for your mother to entertain her guests in. She's not staying with you or visiting you, this is her home.

This from OP: Just so we are clear, there is very minimal childcare going on. I work around the school hours and drop and collect them from every activity myself. Very occasionally when I’m sick and can’t do that, she will help if I ask. In response to people assuming the mother does a ton of unpaid childcare.

So. Many. Assumptions.

What’s going to happen in the long run - who is going to provide for DB when your DPs are unable to provide for him.
I would make clear separation from providing for Dm and DB now. Start saving for your old age ,and for your DCs futures.

You say he's nasty to your children. To me that means you can't have him near your children. This is their home, they are unable to leave if they wish, whereas your mother can. Home should be a space where children feel safe, and someone who is nasty to them should not be allowed into that safe space. If your mum can't see this she needs to go. I really don't envy you having to ask your own mum to move out, but as a mother yourself you have to put your own chicken first.

Does your mom hate confrontation and even if she fancied a break from your brother she wouldn't tell him to stop coming over so often anyway?
Maybe she is digging her heels in because she thinks that if you don't want him there, you can be the one to tell him.
Maybe you ought to do that so that you get some peaceful evenings back.

Stupid autocorrect. Children, you have to put your own children first. Though, from what you've said about your brother, if you have chickens you should put them first too 😂

I have said I will speak directly to my brother and she says that it’s best coming from her and that I shouldn’t speak to him about it.

He used to use the kitchen regularly and basically ransack the fridge, cook for himself only and leave mess and grease everywhere and not clean up. This would be after we had had dinner and cleaned the kitchen and washed up fully. I spoke to him about it and apparently I didn’t use the correct tone and was told I was condescending, so that went down terribly and he dislikes me even more for that now. DM used to say it was fine as she would clear it up!!

It’s like he’s a fragile child and we mustn’t upset him. I just don’t understand how an man in his 30’s can behave like this.