Mum won’t stop having man-child brother around my home

[50shadesofrainbow]

So my mum lives with me and my school age kids, she has done for some years now. It worked quite well in some ways, however there was always a issue with my brother. She does some cooking and the dishwasher and can look after the kids here and there if I need her to.

I am a single parent and it’s my house. I pay all the bills, mortgage and for a cleaner plus the majority of the food. I work full time, around my kids.

So she has a very strange relationship with my brother. They need to see each other every day. I don’t get along with my brother as he’s just doom and gloom, insults my kids, bitches about me and makes a mess. He doesn’t have a job or any inclination to work and lives off of my parents who pay all of his bills and expenses. He is in his 30’s.

She has him over to the house every single night. As the kids come home from school he then appears and doesn’t leave until 9/10pm. I can’t stand it. This is quality time with my children and he is there ruining it.

My mum and I have had serious arguments about this and I’ve said he can come over 1-2 nights per week max. Which seems more normal! She refused to have that conversation with him until I absolutely forced it, saying he needs her and it’s not fair that he can’t come over. Then she didn’t really speak to me for a few weeks after that and he was even more cold with me.

I’ve been unwell recently and since then mum has had my brother over every single day again. Sometimes he comes over for a few hours, leaves and comes back! It’s as if he lives here. There is just no respect for my wishes at all and despite the clear boundary I put in place, she’s just walked all over it at the first opportunity.

I’m so fed up and don’t really know what to do other than ask her to leave and/ or move in with my brother and they can see each other all day everyday.

AIBU??

I voted YANBU but I think there’s more to it as your mum is supporting you with childcare etc.
Are you prepared not to have that support? If so ask her to leave.
its definitely ok to say you don’t want him in the house every day, same as your mum could say she doesn’t want you to have a guest every single day.

Maybe read the full thread? OP does not rely on her mum for childcare except in rare emergencies.

I'd not be happy.

Remember, this is a man who happily ransacked OP's fridge, cooked her food for himself, and left the kitchen in a state. His being there during the day, without her presence acting as a block - he sounds the type to push as far as he can. I'd be worried what state my house would be in on my return, what cupboards/drawers he'd been through - no, that's no way to live.

It's a good idea to read ALL the OP's posts before responding, you may find she has already answered the questions you are asking:

07/04/2024 17:55
"Just so we are clear, there is very minimal childcare going on. I work around the school hours and drop and collect them from every activity myself. Very occasionally when I’m sick and can’t do that, she will help if I ask."

07/04/2024 17:18
"I would definitely miss the help she offers however I am able to take care of everything myself with a little planning."

So, it looks to me that OP doesn't need her mother's support. I therefore agree with you that "she's probably best moving out to support your brother".

Your mum is awful. Your brother worse. Leave the set of rats to it.

You are failing your kids if you dont action this.

Their home should be a safe space.

Most unfair to rats, which are amiable social.animals with high intelligence.

Disagree. Op doesn't want her brother in her house so often, she's not banning them seeing each other. Mom could visit him, or they could meet up out and about.

Sounds like mom should definitely move in with him though.

Pushed the wrong vote button!! 🙄 You are definitely NOT being unreasonable!!

You can just change your vote by clicking on the correct button.

OP, I know you said "It’s like he’s a fragile child and we mustn’t upset him. I just don’t understand how an man in his 30’s can behave like this." but surely the reason he doesn't work, live independently and function as an adult must've been discussed - hasn't it?

Has anyone asked him and what reasons do your parents (I know they're not together, but you said they both support him) have for not expecting him to be a functional independent man? Have you broached the subject with your brother and also asked him why "he’s just doom and gloom, insults my kids, bitches about me and makes a mess." and tell him it must stop?

Seriously??? FML. Its HER house. And HE is insulting HER children.

People have asked but not sure if I missed the answer..... Where's your dad in all this?
You say your mum is still with him, so is he living woth you too?
What does he do when your DB is over, what does he say to it all?

Do t think @50shadesofrainbow is coming back.

The OP did not say her mum is still with her dad. Her second post said "My parents aren’t together".

Oops, my bad. Thanks.

Your mum needs to find somewhere else to live. She’s living in your house and prioritising your brother over you and directly over your wellbeing and quality of life.

So, your Mom feels it's "okay" for her deadbeat, lazy, worthless son to use the food YOU BUY because she'll clean up his mess?

Your Mom needs to go. They are all treating you like a mug and your NDAAB (not dear at all brother) sounds perfectly dreadful and gives me the BIG "ick".
Your NVNM does nothing but pander to the loser son, so they'd be best off in just each other's company. Your children, your wallet and your sanity will thank you for it.

She can go see him anytime she wants. But it's the OP's house, and SHE gets to decide who can come into it and who cannot. The mother isn't a renter, paying any bills. She is freeloading off her daughter so she has more money for the lazy, worthless son/brother. Which makes the OP indirectly supporting the wasted oxygen thief who is her AB.

Me too!

I think @Whygobald should buy the mother and brother their own home with her money, since she is obviously about as rich as Bezos. Only someone ridiculously rich would ever suggest such an outlandish and inappropriate "solution". Just as bad as the suggestion to put the OP and her children upstairs so bro and his mommy can have private time together.

Sometimes, too often these days, I despair of the human race.

It's definitely a DB problem. He is the one imposing and being rude and taking your food.
You need to set his boundaries clearly and I bet the visits would tail off !

Yes, then he can rob the OP blind since there is no one there to stop him. FFS!

He should NEVER be allowed in the house. He has already abused the privilege and OP needs to grow a backbone and get her house back to hers again.

Wrong thread