Mum won’t stop having man-child brother around my home

[50shadesofrainbow]

So my mum lives with me and my school age kids, she has done for some years now. It worked quite well in some ways, however there was always a issue with my brother. She does some cooking and the dishwasher and can look after the kids here and there if I need her to.

I am a single parent and it’s my house. I pay all the bills, mortgage and for a cleaner plus the majority of the food. I work full time, around my kids.

So she has a very strange relationship with my brother. They need to see each other every day. I don’t get along with my brother as he’s just doom and gloom, insults my kids, bitches about me and makes a mess. He doesn’t have a job or any inclination to work and lives off of my parents who pay all of his bills and expenses. He is in his 30’s.

She has him over to the house every single night. As the kids come home from school he then appears and doesn’t leave until 9/10pm. I can’t stand it. This is quality time with my children and he is there ruining it.

My mum and I have had serious arguments about this and I’ve said he can come over 1-2 nights per week max. Which seems more normal! She refused to have that conversation with him until I absolutely forced it, saying he needs her and it’s not fair that he can’t come over. Then she didn’t really speak to me for a few weeks after that and he was even more cold with me.

I’ve been unwell recently and since then mum has had my brother over every single day again. Sometimes he comes over for a few hours, leaves and comes back! It’s as if he lives here. There is just no respect for my wishes at all and despite the clear boundary I put in place, she’s just walked all over it at the first opportunity.

I’m so fed up and don’t really know what to do other than ask her to leave and/ or move in with my brother and they can see each other all day everyday.

AIBU??

What a ridiculous post.

OP and her kids shouldn't be limited to the upstairs of a home SHE pays for so that her DM (who pays nothing) can see her precious son every single night for hours on end.

If OP was complaining about 1-2 nights a week-she'd perhaps be a little unreasonable-(even then-it's still her house and she gets to decide who enters it) but it's every night.

Instead of OP and kids being restricted, the DM should move out with DB or DM should meet DB elsewhere if she absolutely must see him every single day.

I would definitely miss the help she offers however I am able to take care of everything myself with a little planning.
I feel our relationship has become so strained because of this issue and if I don’t let DB come over she will be miserable and grumpy with me, which is awful.

I’ve realised that my boundaries mean nothing to her and she will step over them again and again if I allow it.

Sit down and work out how much you are subsidising her (council tax, water, food etc.) and put that money into childcare for the children and then go back to seeing her socially on your terms.

You need to ask her to leave. She’s a grown adult so I don’t think it is right that you dictate her guests. If you don’t want your brother in your home then she needs to leave

Your mother living with you doesn't work. It'll drive you batshit. Tell her maybe she should move somewhere with him and that you can't do this anymore. Give her a month or something to sort it out.

I know, it’s insane!

you said it OP

and yet you’re subjecting your children to him

I’ve realised that my boundaries mean nothing to her

what boundaries? i see zero evidence of any boundaries

Just wow.

So your boundaries in your house get overturned by your mum and your brother.

This is effectively saying that his needs are more important than yours and your kids.

Do not put up with this anymore.
This is completely over the top. Every day? All evening?

JFC just no, tell her now OP.

Ultimatum time. 2 eves max or suggest they flat share.

It's time for her to move out.
Whatever benefit you and the children get from her being there is surely outweighed by Uncle Knobhead hanging around every night.

'Bye, Mum!'

Fuck that,
Ask her to move out. She can move in with brother as she’s already paying for his accommodation. OP, this is beyond fucked us in so many ways, you are damaging your children having someone around every night who is bad for them.
It’s your house, you will love the time with your children and the space and won’t miss the little help she gives. The less effort of having one less adult will make your life easier. Give her notice. You owe her nothing.

Bloody hell! Your house,your rules!

@50shadesofrainbow you are letting someone into your house every day who you say insults your kids. That’s emotional abuse and I promise you it will have an effect on them. You are not protecting them.

Agree with all the other people who have said she should move out and live with him. She can decide. It's your house and your rules or her house and her rules.

Is your mum doing ok financially-can she buy a house and your brother pays her some rent for a room?

You need to set up a separate sitting room for your mother to entertain her guests in. She's not staying with you or visiting you, this is her home.

Maybe rethink the situation long term but definitely arrange a private space with her. If she took up painting you wouldn't like your home full of paints and canvas etc. But as an adult she's allowed to spend her time was she wishes. Maybe put in a little kitchenette too. How big is her bedroom?

Your mum feels that (as your mother) she is head of the household and can do as she pleases. She is trying to move your brother in by stealth, she believes that you ought to support him & her.

Strongly suspect you're underplaying the amount of help you get off your mum.

Is that even relevant?

OP is paying her mum's living expenses (and as such-subsidising her DB) so her mum SHOULD be helping her out.

let’s be honest
it is relevant
because may go some way to explaining why op allows a man in her house who insults her kids

Mums ok to stay in your house and be your unpaid childcare, and you want to limit and restrict her visitors?? All sounds a bit controlling and unhealthy to me. Ask her to move out, let her choose to help you as much or as little as she wishes and choose to see your brother as much or as little as she wishes.

A small part of me wonders if you resent her seeing your brother because he distracts her from doing the domestic tasks for you

This makes most sense. I'd ask her to move out and suggest she lives with your brother. I'd be telling her it's that or she goes out to meet your brother and he'll only be welcome once a week at your home. Be firm.

She's not unpaid childcare if OP is paying all her living expenses, is she?

But it's OP's home and she pays for everything!