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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorcing a teacher

237 replies

MarioBrothers · 07/04/2024 11:12

I'm splitting from my husband. We are only at the start. He is a teacher and arguing for almost all school holidays as I will need to use childcare and summer camps as I work full time. He is arguing it makes more sense just for him to have them for the whole of the holidays with me having weekends during all school holidays. DC are 5 and 6. He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere.

AIBU to say I still want normal arrangements during holidays? He says yes, becasue I would be paying for childcare - which is true at least some of the time as only have 25 days leave.

We haven't even worked out a schedule yet and still living together but this is one the first arguments that has come up.

AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

OP posts:
KoolKookaburra · 07/04/2024 11:13

I think it would be fair of you to argue for half of the holidays or perhaps 2 of the summer holiday weeks

HappyToSmile · 07/04/2024 11:14

So what schedule would be ideal in your eyes?

BCBird · 07/04/2024 11:17

Why is it ok for the kids to be separated form dad and onli see him.weekends? Is it possible you could have annual leave 2 weeks and he can have them.full time rest of hols?

LucyLLL · 07/04/2024 11:17

Surely you would normally take some leave in the summer holidays, so perhaps you have 2 weeks plus the weekends in the holidays and dad has the rest? It seems sensible for nobody to pay for childcare if you don’t have to.

Somethingsnappy · 07/04/2024 11:20

I actually do think that it would be better for children of that age to be with their father, rather than childcare, clubs etc, if that option is there. And you'd have the weekends, so will still have that quality time with them. You can arrange your leave to be taken at the right times to be able to have them for a significant number of weeks while you're on holiday too during the school holidays too.

However, I don't think that he gets more right to the family home than you, based on this, no.

BrotherUrgh · 07/04/2024 11:21

LucyLLL · 07/04/2024 11:17

Surely you would normally take some leave in the summer holidays, so perhaps you have 2 weeks plus the weekends in the holidays and dad has the rest? It seems sensible for nobody to pay for childcare if you don’t have to.

This seems like the best idea tbh. It seems silly not to utilise the teacher holidays in some way.

Pomegranatecarnage · 07/04/2024 11:22

Why not ask for two weeks in the summer and let him use his holidays for the rest? It’ll almost certainly be better for the kids.

idontlikealdi · 07/04/2024 11:24

I actually think it's better they are with their dad than in childcare. How much would you realistically see them during the week when you are working?

I would say two weeks with you and weekends makes sense.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 07/04/2024 11:24

It's a good idea that he has holidays tbh, and you can get maybe easter week, 2 weeks in summer and another wherever else.

Not sure the holidays are a good argument for getting the house though. That sounds like a battle you'll have to have in court.

BettyShagter · 07/04/2024 11:24

As a child I would've 100% preferred to stay with a parent during the week than in a professional childcare setting.

Is there a reason why you can't take the majority of your leave during the kid's holidays?

Or even a few Fridays and Mondays so you get long weekends?

Pixilicious1 · 07/04/2024 11:24

Why on earth does he think you wouldn’t want to see your children for the whole summer holiday. He’s bonkers.

TreesAndSandAndWaves · 07/04/2024 11:26

Surely you would be using your leave for some of the school holidays though?

So if there are 13 weeks of school holiday, you are covering 5, he covers 8. The kids don’t need to go into holiday clubs.

I think the family home thing is a completely different issue.

Original poster
MarioBrothers · 07/04/2024 11:26

Yes, I would take my leave during summer, but i don't have enough to cover 50% of easter, half terms, xmas, summer. But I think we should just keep to alternative weeks and that if i need to use summer clubs then fine. They like clubs with all their friends from school more than sitting at home all day. But perhaps i'm letting emotion cloud my judgement

OP posts:
InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 07/04/2024 11:28

MarioBrothers · 07/04/2024 11:26

Yes, I would take my leave during summer, but i don't have enough to cover 50% of easter, half terms, xmas, summer. But I think we should just keep to alternative weeks and that if i need to use summer clubs then fine. They like clubs with all their friends from school more than sitting at home all day. But perhaps i'm letting emotion cloud my judgement

You probably are, and that's understandable.

Maybe time for some mediation.

Sparkymoo · 07/04/2024 11:29

I think it's fine to stick to 50/50 if your children like clubs. Even more so if he then thinks that means he gets the family home (although this is a seperate issue, try not to get your hand forced on this or let it cloud your judgement on what is the best balance)

Hankunamatata · 07/04/2024 11:30

I don't think it's unreasonable for their dad to have them in the holidays if he wants them. I would calculate how much leave you get and how much that would cover of the schools hols

I don't see why he should stay in the house for this reason. Sounds like the house will need to be sold and money divided

Babyroobs · 07/04/2024 11:30

Could he not have them in the holidays for any time you can't take off and you have them overnight one night in those weeks ? Will probably only work if you are living close to each other but at least would mean they won't go all week without seeing you. They are pretty young to be separated from either of you for long periods. House sold and divided is best for a clean break.

Sparkymoo · 07/04/2024 11:31

Also don't agree to anything or throw anything out without help ie mediation. And make sure you get the time to really think about how the set up works for you and your children. This is a long term change.

Do they go to holiday clubs at the moment then, even though he is a teacher?

LolaSmiles · 07/04/2024 11:32

But I think we should just keep to alternative weeks and that if i need to use summer clubs then fine. They like clubs with all their friends from school more than sitting at home all day. But perhaps i'm letting emotion cloud my judgement
I think it sounds petty to put your children in holiday clubs when their other parent is available and wants to parent them.

Him having all the holidays and wanting the family home is unreasonable, but I do think you're letting emotion cloud your judgement here.

ParsonsPont · 07/04/2024 11:32

Whilst it would be fairer to have more of a balance, it makes no sense to me that you don’t want to be apart from them but will then have to send them to a childminder during your time with them instead of having them stay with their dad. No judgment at all on having to use childcare, but seeing as you’ll have to spend some time apart for work anyway, why not let them be with their dad instead?

I think split it so that you have a couple of weeks in summer, etc, but this sounds like you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

StormingNorman · 07/04/2024 11:32

It does seem to make sense for them to spend holidays with dad and see you on the weekend…and you take your annual leave as you normally would and spend it with them.

Gently, it isn’t unfair on the DC to stay with dad and see you at weekends. I think this is more upsetting for you than it will be for them.

ThankFitsFriday · 07/04/2024 11:33

MarioBrothers · 07/04/2024 11:12

I'm splitting from my husband. We are only at the start. He is a teacher and arguing for almost all school holidays as I will need to use childcare and summer camps as I work full time. He is arguing it makes more sense just for him to have them for the whole of the holidays with me having weekends during all school holidays. DC are 5 and 6. He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere.

AIBU to say I still want normal arrangements during holidays? He says yes, becasue I would be paying for childcare - which is true at least some of the time as only have 25 days leave.

We haven't even worked out a schedule yet and still living together but this is one the first arguments that has come up.

AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

I wouldn’t want my DD away from me for all of the school holidays, but I also wouldn’t choose for her to go to childcare instead of being with her Dad.

Could DC be with dad during the day in school holidays and you have them after you’ve finished work (I guess same set up as if you were picking them up from childcare), obviously you’ll have to agree that some of the holidays will be your days, which you’d then book off work to spend time with them.

Genevieva · 07/04/2024 11:34

He is being unreasonable. He also needs to start being reasonable if he wants the sort of flexibility that might benefit both of you and the kids in the medium term.

I would recommend: custody split as it would be regardless of profession. Eg 50:50. During school holidays, if he would like to book with you to have the children for day trips then he is very welcome to, as long as he is reliable about saying which dates he wants ahead of you booking childcare. This would operate much like it does for many families who receive grandparental help. He would not get the children over night on your days. Nor would he get pay or reduce maintenance as a result of having extra time with the kids. When they are teenagers this might morph into going off doing exciting away trips, but they are still very young.

Being a teacher clearly does not give him preferential use of the family home. Divorce is expensive and the house is the major asset in most marriages. You will clearly both need a deposit to buy your own property.

spriots · 07/04/2024 11:34

Given that you're a teacher/non teacher couple, it would make sense to have different arrangements in the holidays to term time.

Could you have them for 4-5 weeks of school holidays a year and then some extra days during term time to make it 50:50 across the whole year?

maudelovesharold · 07/04/2024 11:35

AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

It kind of depends on the wider picture. Do the kids have a good relationship with their Dad? Do you have any concerns about the way he parents? How do you think your dc would feel? Do they have separation anxiety, or are they happy to be left with him? If there are no other concerns, I would say they’d probably be far happier with their Dad, than in any childcare provision all day.

He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere.

Why would he expect you to move out, if you’re going to have the children the majority of the time? It’ll still be their home, and presumably close to school, etc. Not a good move for them or you, to be in rented accommodation, I wouldn’t have thought. Much more sensible to keep the children’s lives as stable as possible, and for them to stay in the family home with you.