Divorcing a teacher

[MarioBrothers]

I'm splitting from my husband. We are only at the start. He is a teacher and arguing for almost all school holidays as I will need to use childcare and summer camps as I work full time. He is arguing it makes more sense just for him to have them for the whole of the holidays with me having weekends during all school holidays. DC are 5 and 6. He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere.

AIBU to say I still want normal arrangements during holidays? He says yes, becasue I would be paying for childcare - which is true at least some of the time as only have 25 days leave.

We haven't even worked out a schedule yet and still living together but this is one the first arguments that has come up.

AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

Whatever ever you do, make sure you take into account his teachers' pension when you divide up assets. Many many women lose out because they don't realise the value of their husband's pension.

No OP I would be sticking with 50/50 week on week off. Otherwise you will be paying CMS too and he will probably have a case for staying in the home. There are plenty of fun summer courses, daily tennis camps etc they can do whilst you are working in the holidays.

Are you able to WFH at all?

He should only stay in the marital home if he can afford to buy you out so that you can buy another property and you’d be ok with that.

I think that you should request at least 2 whole weeks of the summer (including weekends) so that you can take them away. I’m surprised that he won’t want the same tbh. I would also want half terms to be 50/50 (if you have the days to take)

I think that most kids would prefer being with a parent than going to a club.

Personally I think that most of the school
holidays won’t last once he’s dating and wants to socialise during the week.

Also what’s the plan when the kids are ill term time ? He can’t opt out of parenting like the male teachers on here seem to do.

My exh is a teacher. He won't even have our dc 50% of the school holidays, it's more like 40%. I use the majority of my annual leave for the holidays but I still don't have enough to cover the 60%, so the dc go to holiday club or my mum sometimes. I think it's quite sad that he won't have them when he isn't working, particularly as my dc aren't a huge fan of clubs.

Has your husband always had them in the school holidays without you? Is he a good parent? If the answer to either of these questions is no, you might find that he changes his mind. The 6 weeks with small kids can be hard work with no breather. What does he teach, aren't most teachers working at least some of the holidays?

Or, you could compromise and say that when you are working, he could look after them for the day but they come back to you in the evening?

I am not saying that this is the case with your Husband but its not unknown for men to suddenly become Dad of the year who insists on 50/50 after a split to avoid paying any maintenance. It happened to a couple of my friends.
Of course NAMLT but it does happen

Well one parent has to stay in the home.

Why should it automatically be the OP?

He will be working some of the holidays.

Id watch the Christmas one more than the summer one.

See a solicitor and don’t agree anything at this stage.

I don't think it's fair to keep them from their dad just to put them in full-time childcare. If he's around and wants to have them, then he should. You could do weekends and an occasional overnight instead.

That being said, him having the majority of the holidays shouldn't necessarily mean he has more rights to the family home either.

I'm torn on the holidays thing, but he is 100% BU to expect to be the one keeping the family home for that reason, unless there are other factors at play. Who instigated the divorce, was it mutual or did you decide to leave him? Is there possibly an element of him punishing you for splitting with him?

It seems insane that you have free and available childcare by the child’s own father for school holidays, avoiding any worries about getting a/l or finding clubs and paying for them, and you don’t want it!

of course they should stay with their dad rather than go to paid childcare! You’d really not let them spend time with him when they get chance?

make it work to your advantage. You have no worries about holiday care, use your a/l to benefit your time with the kids. You can have 2 full weeks to go away in the summer, you can negotiate Christmas and new year around your time off.

the family home is a different issue. Are there enough assets for both of you to purchase a home?

Hi

He's conflating two issues here.

1. child arrangements - it is reasonable for you to request proper holiday time with your children during school hols. In my case, as a teacher, we had 50-50 for school holidays BUT my ex was pretty hopeless at booking any actual hols or arranging time off so the reality was my (admittedly older) children were with me most of the time. I had to put in a request to CMS to ensure his contributions reflected this. Maybe you could have a fixed 2 week holiday with them and then one week juggling WFH/ TOIL or even dependent leave with a mix of holiday club - something they would enjoy doing with friends to give you work time. They do need down time too, ie just hanging at home and not being away.

Also note that it is common to have different arrangements for term time and school hols. If your ex is a typical overworked teacher working 60-70 hours a week in term there is little chance they can do school runs, be there if a child is ill, do after school routines and activities. Can you? If you can then you might effectively be the default primary care term time. If you went to court they would look at what serves the children best and mirrors current arrangements.

2. financial arrangements- staying in the family home. This comes down to whether your joint assets and mortgage borrowing capacity are enough to house you both reasonably (by that I mean purchase not rent) so as to provide stability for your children (proximity to schooling would be key for example). It is extremely unlikely any judge would expect you to rent indefinitely whilst your share of the equity is tied up in the family home for so long (young children still) unless your ex can buy you out? A mesher order is rarely awarded now and only usually if children have additional needs or are much older, ie hitting exam years so it would be time limited. You would need to look at all your assets/ pensions/ equity and income potential to assess this.

@JennyTalworts no they don't, the house should be sold

Isn’t this what men are frequently accused of? Not what’s best for the children but what will reduce money exchanging hands.

I don't understand his reasoning for having the family house. I am assuming you'll have them more during term time so why would he feel more in need of the family house?

I mean if he's free it makes sense he'd look after the kids presumably that's what would happen if you were together?

Is no one reading what OP has written? Her kids like holiday clubs and would prefer to go there than be at home. Mine are the same and so was I as a child - no clubs but bored rigid stuck at home and desperate to get back to school! Considering that preference, there is no reason why the holidays can't be split between parents. Dad won't have to pay for childcare on his weeks, mum will (though obviously she can use annual leave for some of it), fair enough.

Cynically, it sounds like dad is engineering things so he can keep the house and claim maintenance from OP. Oh yes, and have every weekend free to please himself. He might change his tune in a year or so when he realises he can't go on holiday with his new girlfriend because he has his kids every weekend ...

Doesn’t seem that unreasonable to unfairly split the holidays . You could have 2 weeks in summer, one and Christmas and Easter and still have enough AL to split the half terms a bit. Do you get bank holidays on top of your 25 days? I assume he wants 50:50 term time so he gets more overall and therefore CM and the “family home”. I would be aiming for a 50:50 split, even with an uneven holiday split and splitting assets. The kids are tiny - it feels messy to have to have one parent in a joint asset for 13 years (unless one can buy the other out?)

Is no one reading what OP has written? Her kids like holiday clubs and would prefer to go there than be at home

I've read it, but if their dad wants to have them then he should be able to, IMO.

If this was about a man insisting on using full-time childcare instead of letting the children be with their mum while she was off work, I'm sure there would be uproar.

You don’t say what job you do and whether you have complete flexibility with holidays.

I would suggest you take
Easter week - either week (4 days holiday plus bank holiday)
spring bank week (4 days holiday plus bank holiday)
Christmas one week-(4 days holiday plus bank holiday)
August bank holiday week (4 days holiday plus bank holiday)
two other summer weeks- maybe the part week they break up/ go back and one other week approx 8 days

that way you get a chunk of the holidays with them. He can then have the rest of the holidays and you have the weekends those weeks- could you work longer days those weeks for example and accrue time of in lieu?

my son loved holiday clubs (sport based mainly) so some depends on the children. He went even when I didn’t work sometimes as he’d want to go and see his friends.

No way can he just have all the school holidays though- when do you get time with them away from the grind?

Mine like holiday clubs too but being with their dad doesn't mean they can't also go to holiday clubs as well - it just means they can do it more flexibly, can do some of the shorter hours ones or half days, and it also would be handy when they are in the awkward tweenage years where they are too old for most forms of childcare

It's seperate to who gets the house though.

If one parent is available to look after the kids they should have first refusal

Why? The kids are going to go through enough upheaval without having to move out of their home too.

The 'norm' during a divorce is that one parent stays in the family home with the kids until they leave full time education, isn't it?

So he is arguing for having the children through the week in the holidays when he is off work and you are working, then you have them at weekends when neither of you is working? So basically you are either working or doing childcare all the time, apart from when you are using your own leave to take the children away (or have them with you at home)?

I would say that given the differential in your leave allowances it would make more sense to divide the number of days off over the year (including weekends) between you - 50/50 if you agree that's fair, or differently if you both feel that as he has more time off it is sensible for him to have them more often, as probably happened when you were together. As they get older it will be more a case of them staying overnight than needing actual care a lot of the time - the days of needing to be fully supervised all day don't last very long. Even though there has to be a parent on the premises at all times, from the age of 10 or so children can usually amuse themselves and play in the garden/at friends' houses etc. I would definitely have it agreed that the arrangements are renegotiated every couple of years to take this into account.

I agree that who stays in the family home is a separate issue.

I’d take 2 weeks in summer holidays and a week at Easter, alternate Christmas. Would you be able to condense your hours into 4 days in school holidays so that you could have them Thursday night until Sunday night or Monday morning?
Who is going to cover PD days? I’d be wanting those split fairly too.
The house is a separate issue.

@Strictly1 I find your comment offensive.

Let me tell you why:

1. I put women and kids first, I'm a feminist and no not the liberal version. I want OP to make sure she isn't setting herself up for being railroaded and financially penalised

2. OP said the kids like clubs

3. 50/50 is fair and works enabling both parents equal access and time to focus on their own jobs and careers

4. My partner and his ex has 50/50 of their DS it's worked really well for many years and this is the starting position in most divorces.