Divorcing a teacher

[MarioBrothers]

I'm splitting from my husband. We are only at the start. He is a teacher and arguing for almost all school holidays as I will need to use childcare and summer camps as I work full time. He is arguing it makes more sense just for him to have them for the whole of the holidays with me having weekends during all school holidays. DC are 5 and 6. He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere.

AIBU to say I still want normal arrangements during holidays? He says yes, becasue I would be paying for childcare - which is true at least some of the time as only have 25 days leave.

We haven't even worked out a schedule yet and still living together but this is one the first arguments that has come up.

AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

I think 100% school holidays is unreasonable, but it would make far more sense for him to look after them for free when willing and able to do so, rather than put them in childcare. If they want to go to camp or whatever, can be a conversation about that, but him having 3 weeks and you having 2 might work well. You could use the money you would have spent on summer childcare to have a nice 2 week holiday with the kids for your part of the summer holiday.

Pretty sure teachers are actually [ie contractually] meant to ‘work’ during the school holidays - marking, lesson planning, resource designing and the odd in person or on-line CPE/training?

Contractually it’s literally the opposite of this. Teacher contracts specify 1265 hours over 195 ‘directed’ days. Most teachers do work in the holidays but can’t be directed to do so.

Well no, not these days when a clean break is preferred. Unless there is sufficient money for the parent who doesn’t keep the house to receive funds equivalent to its value, the norm is for it to be sold and the equity split.

Some parents are mature enough to do what's best for their children, rather than exercise pure spite.

I know 99% of teachers work very long hours and in their holidays. My exH is not one of them so there are no concerns about him needing to work in holidays. I've never seen him do this, or at weekends.

Why does she think the same about him then ? She's going to be working but not wanting kids to be with Dad

Unless he’d like that to go on record during a court proceeding to discuss the custody agreement, that’s kind of tough. The assumption is that he is supposed to be working… please don’t let his lax attitude to work dent your confidence in your right to a full 50/50 split, including over the summer holidays.

@Samlewis96 i didn't say that at all.

Pretty sure teachers are actually [ie contractually] meant to ‘work’ during the school holidays - marking, lesson planning, resource designing and the odd in person or on-line CPE/training?
Not the case. Most teachers are contracted to be at work 195 a year for the directed budget. During that time our employer can direct our work.
There's a clause about reasonable duties to exercise our jobs, and that's why a lot of planning and marking is completed outside of directed time. It's similar to other salaries professional roles where work beyond the office hours is required. The issue in schools is that workload is often unreasonable and that's how it eats into holidays, but we cannot be directed to work in our holidays.

The exception is for staff on the leadership spine. They have different terms and conditions and the major difference is not being bound by the directed time budget.

If you wfh and have flexibility I would do 50/50 school holidays. Your DC are getting to an age where they can occupy themselves for a couple of hours and you could split your day/work more hours on the weeks that you done have them (if your employer allows).

Do you have much equity in your property OP? The ideal option rather than one parent stay in the family home and the other rent is to sell the house and both buy properties that are cheaper and more affordable.

she said she wants to do 50/50 not FT with her which is what he’s suggesting

If you have lots of money for clubs and they like going, then 50/50 seems fine. If not, it might be wise for you dh to have your dc in the holiday & you take a little bit of time off too. Will you still go on holiday together?

Half of the holidays each is fair

why don't you just also add in some overnights during school holidays? Pick them up after work and drop back in the morning on way to work.

Only in the same way it's not fair that in term time he would be working all week and having the kids at the weekend surely? I think his holiday arrangement sounds reasonable. The idea that it would mean he kept the house is ridiculous, there's less holiday than term time, so in theory op should get the house. In reality they probably need to negotiate this via mediation.

Does he live close enough to have the children until 3.00 each day then you take them for the evenings and overnights? Basically he provides the childcare during the time you would have them but be working.

That way they are cared for by the parent who is available but don't end up effectively moving in with him for six weeks.

I would give him maybe a year tops before he’s completely exhausted and over having no holiday time without his kids in tow. Less if he meets someone else, I guarantee you, this problem will go away.

the house though, you fight for 70% of the house at minimum.

Let your kids spend the time with their dad, they’ll enjoy it.

It makes far more sense for him to take them over the holidays. I'd have been distraught if I'd been sent to childcare while one of my parents wasn't even at work! Can't believe you'd even consider it.

It sounds as though this is a control thing on your part, to be frank. You'd rather the kids were in childcare than with your ex - their own dad.

So when would she take them on holiday?

You have annual leave so his argument is shite.

I would push for 50/50 and sell the home to split the proceeds to each go your own way.

Headteachers are contracted all year round but not teachers

Ps if you can arrange 6 weeks annual leave and cover one week with family then that is half the school holidays

oh so does he want all of the fun times, and none of the responsibility of the normal school week times ?!!!

Of course they will. He won’t be supervising there homework or getting them to school and doing pack lunches and all the grunt work and disciplining

He gets to be a Disney dad and keep the house whilst op will be in rented.

He doesn’t want her to have a single holiday with their dc