Divorcing a teacher

[MarioBrothers]

I'm splitting from my husband. We are only at the start. He is a teacher and arguing for almost all school holidays as I will need to use childcare and summer camps as I work full time. He is arguing it makes more sense just for him to have them for the whole of the holidays with me having weekends during all school holidays. DC are 5 and 6. He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere.

AIBU to say I still want normal arrangements during holidays? He says yes, becasue I would be paying for childcare - which is true at least some of the time as only have 25 days leave.

We haven't even worked out a schedule yet and still living together but this is one the first arguments that has come up.

AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

Each get half the holidays

She'd have them every weekend and would be working during the week anyway.

@JennyTalworts no I don't think it is anymore. Most couples when divorcing can't afford for the matrimonial home to be kept and to buy / afford another home on top that the other partner can live in and have their children visit them at. I don't think courts will consider it's fair to make one partner perpetually rent for best part of the next decade.

So here is what we did and it works for both of us.

We each have the kids every other week. We chose a weekday rather than a weekend for swapover as that means we both get full weekends with them and can e.g. book a trip away.

Half-term holidays we each have the same arrangement.

Two-week holidays (Easter and Christmas) we each do a full week. Summer, we split into 3 weeks each. Sometimes consecutive, sometimes 1 week on/off, then 2 weeks in a row. That depends on whether we have booked holidays.

ExH has more time off than I do due to his holidays, so when I am working and he is at home, he has the children for school drop off and pick-up. I then collect them after work and take them to him in the mornings.

Likewise, if I am off when he is working (or is, say, on a school trip), I will do the same.

It works out as roughly 50/50. Neither of us pay CM and we split childcare in half.

The house is a separete issue - I let him pay me off my half of the money I'd invested and used it for a house deposit of my own. It meant we had one house still well within catchment of the kids' schools; something you will both have to consider. He didn't have any more right to the house than I did, but it meant that the divorce was more amiacnle than a drawn-out battle would have been and in hindsight with interest rates as they are now, I am glad I let him keep it.

I agree with him or at least to have them during the day.

Much better to be looked after my a parent where possible.

Even if you are currently going through mediation, get yourself to a solicitor who can advise on how the courts will want to see your finances split. Personally I would pay for a full hour rather than find one who offers a free 30 minutes- you need time to get all the details discussed. Get 3 valuations on the house and get your self a mortgage broker and know yyourborrowing potential. Get details of all your joint and individual savings, pensions and debts ready for the appointment. Divorce is an admin he'll.
He's following the script, he won't actually want the hassle of many many weeks of childcare long term, he's just trying to shit you up.

50/50 is fair and works enabling both parents equal access and time to focus on their own jobs and careers

50/50 doesn't have to mean alternate weeks, though. It could mean he gets more of the holidays, but she gets more weekends through the year.

If he's off during the school holidays and wants to have his children, it comes across as quite unpleasant to deliberately keep them from him only to put them in full-time childcare.

Why could you not pick them up from your ex at night. Like you would from childcare. It’s unreasonable to put them in childcare when they have a parent that wants them. It doesn’t mean they have to stay overnight every night though. There can be a middle ground.

I didn’t mean to offend but I stand by my comment. Two young children spending time with their dad is preferable to being in a kids club all day. The ‘children like clubs’ I also question, as I doubt they are currently being put in clubs for a week at a time now if their dad is at home. Enjoying an after school club is very different to having to go for full days for a week.
In my job I sadly see lots of parents putting their needs or point scoring above their children’s needs when separating.
I think OP could also organise it so that she has them for tea or overnight etc but they’re still with dad during mum’s working day. Between them they could make it work for everyone.
The family home is completely separate and needs to be treated as such.

Sounds like a great and well thought out arrangement. Do/did your kids really miss you over a whole week apart?

Thank you for advice. Few answers

My job is full on but flexible, and i work from home a lot. i would be picking them up from clubs at 3/4pm and then i could work in the evenings when they're in bed.

They used to go to clubs during holidays even though H is teacher to give him some 'me time'. He now says he doesn't want this 'me time' & he is happy to have them Monday - Friday for the whole 6 weeks.

He is far more likely to be aruging for CMS off me, than the other way round.

Maybe it does make sense to take him at his word that he geniunely wants to have them for 6 whole weeks (except weekends) but i don't think that is best for kids. I will be miss them but I am really trying to think what is best for them, not me. He takes them to park but he also puts on a lot of youtube. He also doesn't plan ahead and DS struggles a lot with not doing what he is doing from one day to next.

What he’s saying does make sense. That way he’ll get to spend quality time with them, and you get quality time at the weekends. This is provided he’s a dad who will actually do stuff with them. Of course, you should get some weeks with them when you have annual leave during school holidays, and alternate Christmas/special occasions (or whatever works best there).

That certainly doesn’t mean he gets to stay in the family home whilst you rent though! That should be determined by your finances (do you need to sell so you can both buy separately), who can afford to take it on themselves, what will the term time arrangements be etc.

Two more things: You have a man happy to have his children with him and spend time with them. However you see the man right now, value that (one of my children has a completely absent father, so I do value my exH for that).

And don't go down the court-issued contact route unless you absolutely have to. It takes away flexibility, and you will need that as your kids get older.

They used to go to clubs during holidays even though H is teacher to give him some 'me time'. He now says he doesn't want this 'me time' & he is happy to have them Monday - Friday for the whole 6 weeks.

With this arrangement though, he'd presumably get his "me-time" at weekends while you had the children, and you'd get yours in the evenings during the week?

CN you afford to take unpaid parental leave OP also if you wanted it? Every parent is entitled to 18weeks unpaid leave for childcare up to the age of 18 and a maximum of 4 weeks per child per year.

Lots of parents are finding this helpful to supplement a further say 2 weeks off per year that negates the need for holiday clubs. It's statutory as well so your employer can't say no.

It sounds like you need to consider living arrangements at the same time as child custody, presumably you both jointly own the house so one needs to buy out the other and if neither can afford to do that then the house has to be sold.

Which could have an impact on how the children are co-parented both now, and as they grain independence.

50/50 doesn't have to mean alternate weeks, though. It could mean he gets more of the holidays, but she gets more weekends through the year.

Ok so OP gets to work all week then childcare more weekends.

This is not fair.

I agree with him

You can, if your choose, look for unpaid parental leave. You could also ask about maintenance during that period.

If you dont want to give up all holidays you dont have to. Talk to your solicitor and have a goal and options in mind.

Depending on where he lives, kids may not want to be away from friends, they may want some holiday clubs, you might want to go on holiday with them, grandparents might want extra time.

He is asking for what's easiest for him, dont forget you have a negotiating position. He cant just expect to divorce and have kids around his job. It's not unreasonable for him to have responsibility for paying for childcare on his weekdays, same as you can cover it on some of your half term days.

Just to give people a heads up they CAN say "no not this week, but the week after" so you need to ask as far as advance as possible

So get a calendar and do the maths. Using summer hood as an example, he has them for 20 days mon- Fri for 4 weeks. You have them for 2 weeks (14 days) plus 3 weekends when he has them )therefore 20 days.

Then look at how the rest of the year can be worked out for holidays and term time, and consider some of that parental
Leave to help you whilst they are younger.

I think a regular pattern is better for the children. If they are with you most of term time but then him for 6 weeks they may well get home sick.
Most teachers I know have to work some of the holidays.
Also this should be separate from making sure you are both adequately housed.

If you are having them for weekends in the holidays then he'll still have a fair amount of 'me time', so it doesn't surprise me that it's changed his view. I would definitely argue for some of the time with you: maybe 2 weeks of the summer plus some of Easter and Christmas.

Treat the house and finances as separate. It seems unlikely that it would be fair for him to keep the house unless he can essentially buy you out, but if it's 50/50 or close to that over the year then I don't see how he could argue that really.

If I were you, I would ask for 3 weeks summer, 1 week at Easter and 1 at Christmas, the other half terms are pretty much weather dependent and I wouldn't feel I was massively missing out. That would use your 5 weeks and you would have almost half of summer which is where you can do lovely stuff and then at least one of the weekends in the other holidays. I understand what you are saying and I feel I wouldn't miss out so much if this were the case and is a compromise to both as I agree with your ex that if he is free and you are not, then it makes sense for him to look after them, especially if he is a proactive dad. Don't forget you may also have to cover upto 10? inset days between you too.
House is different story.

Looking after your own children isn't childcare.

If a man was complaining about that, he'd be torn to shreds.

It's not up to him how you cover your time with the dc .. he is just trying to control you .. /them.. in any other scenario most threads would say its up to each parent how the manage the childcare in their time...

Off the top of my head can think of at least 3 alternatives that are not clubs!! My dc really liked clubs too so we did a mixture even though shock horror i was at home!

Eg You could use parental leave, you could have a nanny, your next partner could be a teacher, you could be made redundant or wfh etc etc..

My mum was a teacher ... My dad took leave , took us to see his family we stayed there he came and picked us up after a week.or so.. He was crap but my aunt was lovely and we got to know our cousins...
At first mum found it hard but eventually used that time to have a break herself/see friends etc..
There's many ways of managing holiday..
Just propose what you want and go to mediation....
You're getting divorced he doesn't call the shots anymore...