Page 9 | Divorcing a teacher

MarioBrothers · 2024-04-07T10:12:34+00:00

I'm splitting from my husband. We are only at the start. He is a teacher and arguing for almost all school holidays as I will need to use childcare and summer camps as I work full time. He is arguing it makes more sense just for him to have them for the whole of the holidays with me having weekends during all school holidays. DC are 5 and 6. He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere. AIBU to say I still want normal arrangements during holidays? He says yes, becasue I would be paying for childcare - which is true at least some of the time as only have 25 days leave. We haven't even worked out a schedule yet and still living together but this is one the first arguments that has come up. AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

Tippexy · 08/04/2024 05:14

For all of his big talk, I can’t see him actually having the kids for six full weeks. He couldn’t be bothered with the life admin of having kids when you were together. Now he reckons he can magically single parent for six weeks? No chance. He just reckons saying so will give him a better chance of keeping the house. I wouldn’t worry OP, it’ll never happen.

Nextweektoo · 08/04/2024 07:40

Why should she go 4 straight weeks without seeing her children and the children without one parent. That is too long. If he wants to keep the children in mind he can care for them during the day and bring them back in the evening.

Abbimae · 08/04/2024 07:42

Man wants to spend time with his kids- seen as wrong and unfair. Women takes child from dad for long periods- seen as ok. Make I make sense?

KoolKookaburra · 08/04/2024 07:45

Nextweektoo · 08/04/2024 07:40

Why should she go 4 straight weeks without seeing her children and the children without one parent. That is too long. If he wants to keep the children in mind he can care for them during the day and bring them back in the evening.

Well don't do 4 straight weeks. Do 2 weeks then a week with mum then back to dad for a week

NeedToChangeName · 08/04/2024 07:55

MarioBrothers · 07/04/2024 20:33

Also anyone of experience of divorce with young kids - How on earth do you make the admin and upkeep 5050 to reflect custody? I do all the admin, which is a lot as one of the kids has SEN, I do all parents evenings, playdates, referrals, forms, etc. How do you share this when I haven't managed to work out how to do that when we were together and H actually liked me? He just doesn't reply to emails as he's says I'm better at that "clerical shit" so even post split will I be dealing with the same? On 5050 split I know he needs to organise activities for his time but a lot of that other stuff will still come to me I guess.

Perhaps best to split tasks eg you deal with school, he deals with medical issues?

Set up joint email address?

Or one deals with everything?

TBH, it's partly due to issues like this that I'm not a big fan of 50 50 arrangements (sorry, appreciate that's not what you asked)

bellezarara · 08/04/2024 07:58

So he will never have to pay childcare costs. What if you have to change jobs and you will be paying child care during term time? Will he pay half the childcare cost?

Is he also expecting you to just give him the family home?

Tell him to fuck off.

NeedToChangeName · 08/04/2024 08:05

MarioBrothers · 07/04/2024 20:47

@SpaghettiWithaYeti I don't agree with it either in my case or lots of cases. But from spending too long on MN and reading online it seems that i have little chance of anything else. I absolutely want them to see their dad regularly but I really believe having one main home and routine is surely best for kids, it is the way most adults choose to live.

@MarioBrothers I wouldn't be too quick to assume 50 50 is the norm. IME, it's not

GabriellaMontez · 08/04/2024 08:14

MarioBrothers · 07/04/2024 20:47

@SpaghettiWithaYeti I don't agree with it either in my case or lots of cases. But from spending too long on MN and reading online it seems that i have little chance of anything else. I absolutely want them to see their dad regularly but I really believe having one main home and routine is surely best for kids, it is the way most adults choose to live.

Is it worth trying anyway? Especially as you say he already isn't interested in 'clerical shit'?

And what you read on mumsnet isn't always a reflection of the real world.

Londonrach1 · 08/04/2024 08:18

Surely it makes financial and emotional sense they do stay with their father during the summer holidays.

Zanatdy · 08/04/2024 08:18

I’d tell him what weeks you have as AL and he has them for the rest of the time. Just because he’s going to have them in holidays doesn’t mean he gets to stay in the house because of that. That makes no sense

WalkingaroundJardine · 08/04/2024 08:32

I work in a school and I think using the word “holidays” is misleading. Teachers are meant to be using some of that time on non face to face work or preparing their term time programmes. The head can actually call teachers in to do training at school for example.
So it’s not like he will be totally devoted to the kids. It’s reasonable to request a split of “the holidays”.

SkyBloo · 08/04/2024 09:30

I think completeness madness to put children in summer clubs when there is a parent available who wants to spend time with them.

bridgetreilly · 08/04/2024 09:40

I don’t think you get to make a judgment based on the way he chooses to parent them. If he lets them watch YouTube and isn’t good at planning ahead, that’s up to him. I also think that, especially while your kids are young, it’s much more important for them to have time with him, than be in holiday clubs.

I think previous suggestions about negotiating a week during each school holiday when you take annual leave and have the children are really sensible. You could go on holiday with them or do fun things at home, and your ex also benefits from some annual leave to do things without the kids. But frankly, it’s great that he wants to have good, meaningful contact, and several weeks at a time rather than occasional weekends is likely to be much better for their relationship with their dad.

On the other hand, he is being a massively entitled knob about the house and you should not enter into any negotiations about that whatsoever.

Quatty · 08/04/2024 09:44

Go to a mediator ASAP.
No court will think it’s okay for children not to see a parent for 6-8 weeks in the summer.
Friends ex tried to do this - the family court said no way. The ex didn’t want ANY contact between the mother and children while they where with him, not even phone calls

They are young, so 70/30 or 60/40 might be more appropriate so they don’t have to move around as much.

Quatty · 08/04/2024 09:47

Londonrach1 · 08/04/2024 08:18

Surely it makes financial and emotional sense they do stay with their father during the summer holidays.

Does it? What if he insists they don’t have much contact with mum, that he makes all decisions while with him, that they can’t go see her or stay with her at all?
That could be an absolute disaster.
My kids are 12 and 14 now and there’s NO WAY I would want to go 2/3 weeks or 6/7 weeks without seeing them.
And if he has them all holidays when does mum get to do fun things with them? Take them to see family or in breaks?
Theyd be in school the rest of the time and not able to travel.

He sounds like he could be very controlling, and as for keeping the family house -tell him to go F himself.

Elektra1 · 08/04/2024 09:51

It probably is better for the kids to be so try their dad instead of in childcare, but how about you agree in principle what time you'll have in holidays, eg 2 weeks in summer, half of all half terms (or all of one or two of them), a week at Christmas, a week at Easter, and then in the holiday weeks they're with dad, you get an overnight on say the Wednesday?

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/04/2024 09:52

People are saying the house is a different issue but that's not how it works in reality. Judges are absolutely a law unto themselves.

Yes both parties need to be adequately housed but that can include renting. So it's perfectly possible for a judge to order that the children remain in the family home until the youngest reaches 18. They like to keep the status quo where possible to limit disruption to the children. I think this is why he is pushing for the holidays as he will have been advised it increases his likelihood of being considered primary carer and therefore a greater chance of being awarded the family home.

pavedwithgoodintentions · 08/04/2024 10:10

Mayflower282 · 07/04/2024 21:58

He’s a teacher - that’s amazing, they will be so far ahead of their peers with a private tutor for a dad! I would be 100% on board with his proposed plans, they sound great. Why do you think your kids would prefer holiday camp? My kids absolutely hated camp 👀

Hilarious.

There is almost zero chance he works with his children at home.

Up until now, his children have gone to 'holiday clubs' so he could have 'me time' on half term/term breaks. He just wants the house; he's not being honest.

mumof1879 · 08/04/2024 11:05

I personally wouldn’t want to agree to this. The only meet in the middle solution is that on your agreed days IF the kids are not at clubs and you are working/WFH he could take them for the day if you’re at work or for a couple of hours in the afternoon if you are WFH as a morning at home chilling while you work is a perfectly reasonable way of you having them while working from home. He sees them a little extra during the holidays, but you keep to your agreed days as them living with you and it should be on your terms on your days!

spriots · 08/04/2024 11:16

Ridiculous to suggest that the ex takes them during the day and returns them for the night to avoid paying maintenance. A bloke would rightly be torn to shreds for suggesting his ex did that

The OP should have them when she is on leave and ask for more term time weekdays instead

Quatty · 08/04/2024 11:36

Another one who thinks he’s after the house…

ggggggooooo · 08/04/2024 12:01

SkyBloo · 08/04/2024 09:30

I think completeness madness to put children in summer clubs when there is a parent available who wants to spend time with them.

But does he really? Whilst they were together he didn't parent them all holidays. He stuck them in camps so he could have his 'me time'. What makes you think he's miraculously decided to parent them during holiday times now?

ggggggooooo · 08/04/2024 12:03

bridgetreilly · 08/04/2024 09:40

I don’t think you get to make a judgment based on the way he chooses to parent them. If he lets them watch YouTube and isn’t good at planning ahead, that’s up to him. I also think that, especially while your kids are young, it’s much more important for them to have time with him, than be in holiday clubs.

I think previous suggestions about negotiating a week during each school holiday when you take annual leave and have the children are really sensible. You could go on holiday with them or do fun things at home, and your ex also benefits from some annual leave to do things without the kids. But frankly, it’s great that he wants to have good, meaningful contact, and several weeks at a time rather than occasional weekends is likely to be much better for their relationship with their dad.

On the other hand, he is being a massively entitled knob about the house and you should not enter into any negotiations about that whatsoever.

Of course it matters what he does with them. You seem to think him having them all holidays is better than splitting and then spending time during the day in summer camps.

If staying with him all summer means being put in summer camps and stuck in front of YouTube then what exactly is the advantage ?

bridgetreilly · 08/04/2024 14:38

The advantage is the next fifty years or more of their relationship with their father.

bridgetreilly · 08/04/2024 14:41

No court will think it’s okay for children not to see a parent for 6-8 weeks in the summer.

But that’s not what’s on the table. OP would have them at weekends during the holidays. They would go no more than 5 days without seeing her. And plenty of courts think that is completely fine. Because it is.