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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Divorcing a teacher

237 replies

MarioBrothers · 07/04/2024 11:12

I'm splitting from my husband. We are only at the start. He is a teacher and arguing for almost all school holidays as I will need to use childcare and summer camps as I work full time. He is arguing it makes more sense just for him to have them for the whole of the holidays with me having weekends during all school holidays. DC are 5 and 6. He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere.

AIBU to say I still want normal arrangements during holidays? He says yes, becasue I would be paying for childcare - which is true at least some of the time as only have 25 days leave.

We haven't even worked out a schedule yet and still living together but this is one the first arguments that has come up.

AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

OP posts:

Causewerethespecialtwo · 08/04/2024 15:10

I think you need to be very careful that if he has the kids for a higher percentage of the school holidays, then you need to have them for a higher percentage of time during term-time…….. so he has them no more than 50% of the year.

In the future if he was granted the house and the kids for all school holidays, there is nothing to stop him suddenly changing his mind and deciding to book them into holidays clubs for his “me time” after all. And you would be totally screwed. Lost the house, not the primary caregiver for your children.

I obviously don’t know this man, but I know many families that have divorced and in 90% of cases in my personal experience, the husband has played dirty in the divorce.

Original poster

MarioBrothers · 08/04/2024 15:29

pavedwithgoodintentions · 08/04/2024 10:10

Hilarious.

There is almost zero chance he works with his children at home.

Up until now, his children have gone to 'holiday clubs' so he could have 'me time' on half term/term breaks. He just wants the house; he's not being honest.

Show quote history

@pavedwithgoodintentions I had a good old laugh at this one too.

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 08/04/2024 17:43

MarioBrothers · 07/04/2024 20:33

Also anyone of experience of divorce with young kids - How on earth do you make the admin and upkeep 5050 to reflect custody? I do all the admin, which is a lot as one of the kids has SEN, I do all parents evenings, playdates, referrals, forms, etc. How do you share this when I haven't managed to work out how to do that when we were together and H actually liked me? He just doesn't reply to emails as he's says I'm better at that "clerical shit" so even post split will I be dealing with the same? On 5050 split I know he needs to organise activities for his time but a lot of that other stuff will still come to me I guess.

I would suggest you have set days that you know are your responsibility. Things like parents’ evening are occasions when you can both make your own separate appointments to chat to the teachers. Play dates can be arranged by the parent who has the child/ren on that particular day and the other one isn’t involved in it.

As a fellow parent of a sen child, I’d probably continue to do all the referrals and necessary paperwork etc because it’s not the child’s fault one parent won’t make the effort with the admin.

Childcare etc should again be arranged and paid for by the parent who needs it.

AndSoFinally · 09/04/2024 18:43

Can't you just use him as child care on your weeks? Drop them at his at 8am (or whatever) and pick up at 6, so you can still do alternate weeks

Quatty · 09/04/2024 19:15

bridgetreilly · 08/04/2024 14:41

No court will think it’s okay for children not to see a parent for 6-8 weeks in the summer.

But that’s not what’s on the table. OP would have them at weekends during the holidays. They would go no more than 5 days without seeing her. And plenty of courts think that is completely fine. Because it is.

Unless the ex suddenly turns around and says no…
This is all about getting the house

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/04/2024 20:40

and why should he have all the holidays - no getting up early, no routine, no drop off/pick up to be kept, they could all lounge around all day every day if he chose :)

did the Op ever get ' me ' time during the school holidays or any other time ?

Quatty · 09/04/2024 21:11

It’s BS - and he’s already showing that he’s ready to be unreasonable by even asking… get ready for a battle OP

cherish123 · 09/04/2024 21:28

Could you split holidays equally but they go to him during the day if you are working. It makes sense and will be better for them.

cherish123 · 09/04/2024 21:31

With regards to the house:
Until finances are settled, the one who instigated the break up should leave.

Fairydustandsparklylights · 10/04/2024 19:12

MarioBrothers · 08/04/2024 15:29

@pavedwithgoodintentions I had a good old laugh at this one too.

Show quote history

I think it is very different to working full time (as a teacher or any other profession) and raising children full time also. Just because he booked time in holiday clubs to have some me time or to get jobs done, does not make him a bad parent. I know plenty of teachers who use holiday clubs too as otherwise they get zero annual leave days all year as they are home with the children in all school holidays. I also know plenty of people with small children who take their child to nursery still when they have annual leave days but are not away on holiday.

The situation for your ex is very different now as he only will get his dc 50% of the time. He now has plenty of evenings in term time and every other weekend to himself to have me time. If you live with your child full time, you can’t check out of parenting in the evening or weekends. Now, he doesn’t need to wait for his me time to happen in school holidays - he’ll get 26 weeks a year of me time. This is why he is now happy to cover all of the holidays to spend as much time with his dc as possible.

There are plenty of feckless and useless men out there, that doesn’t mean that they all are like that though. Isn’t it a good thing he wants to spend time with his children?

Original poster

MarioBrothers · 10/04/2024 20:03

@Fairydustandsparklylights everyone I know takes annual leave during school holidays so most people are either at work or at home with their kids. I don't know anyone with weeks at home with no work or no children (as my X had during previous summers).

So yeah, paying for the kids to be in clubs when they were v young rather than look after them (while also complaining about our lack of money and telling me to work harder) and now telling me he wants them for 6 weeks on the trot makes me a little skeptical I'm afraid.

I'm pleased he wants to spend time with his children. Well done him. But I'm afraid I don't view his argument as through a lens of him doing what's best for the children at all.

OP posts:

JanewaysBun · 11/04/2024 17:08

Im glad youre not falling for it OP. Will you do 50/50 term time too? I hope it all goes well for you

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