Divorcing a teacher

[MarioBrothers]

I'm splitting from my husband. We are only at the start. He is a teacher and arguing for almost all school holidays as I will need to use childcare and summer camps as I work full time. He is arguing it makes more sense just for him to have them for the whole of the holidays with me having weekends during all school holidays. DC are 5 and 6. He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere.

AIBU to say I still want normal arrangements during holidays? He says yes, becasue I would be paying for childcare - which is true at least some of the time as only have 25 days leave.

We haven't even worked out a schedule yet and still living together but this is one the first arguments that has come up.

AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

I'm glad someone said this!

The OP has her children every day at the moment and I'm sure she doesn't view that as 'childcare'.

I'd stick to 50:50 one week on and one week off. But let him know you'd be willing to swap his weekend days for weekdays on your weeks.

So for summer holidays, he can have them for 3 weeks, you take AL for 2. Then you put them in camps for 1 week (which is fine and not horrible for the kids - mine would like it!) OR if dad wants to swap his weekend days with the kids for your weekdays then he can.

He can't just have ALL holidays. When are you meant to take your AL then? Kids can't be pulled out of school for holidays/fun days with mum. Plus there are bank holidays where you won't need to use AL.

Exactly - it's just called being a parent!

As he's a teacher, it makes perfect sense for the DH to cover the majority of the holidays. OP can then take some annual leave, have the weekends and maybe offer to have them the occasional evening in the week too.

Seems perfectly fair to me, and it's exactly what would be suggested if OP was the teacher and her husband was the one with less annual leave.

Can you use dependants leave to make 50/50 holidays? At least for the first year or two?

Why are you considering sharing custody? I'd tell him to go to Hell and rinse him in the divorce. Unlikely he will get the house.

I'd go 50/50 and tell him what happens when the kids are with you isn't his concern, same as when they are with him

I get what he's saying about why pay for childcare when he's off anyway. However you are divorcing him so your finances will no longer be his problem.

You should definitely get some holiday time with your kids. And I can't see how he should be entitled to the family home, at all.

Good luck arguing with a teacher! I do think mediation is needed so your views can be heard.
I don't think it is fair for him to have the house and this needs discussed legally. If you work you are contributing to the family and just because he perhaps earns more does not mean he is entitled to keep the house.
Definitely seek mediation and legal advice as in my experience teachers think they are always right.

Im in the minority here but I think it depends on who does the majority of the caregiving day to day. If that’s you then it should be you that has them and DH on weekends or EOW. With regards to holidays you can split it and then use holiday clubs for the rest like the majority of other people do. I work PT and my DC still do holiday clubs because they can provide a range of actives myself and Ex DP I couldn’t do ourselves and it’s good for kids to have social interaction and opportunity to mix with other kids. There’s no reason why the majority of the time needs to be spent in the holidays with either parent if you can afford the odd week in holiday clubs. Don’t agree to anything without legal advice verbally or on paper/electronic communication with regards to living agreements until you have.

Edit - Ive just seen your last update which I missed and if he’s never had a problem with holiday clubs until now he’s working this for his own gain and not in their best interests which would be to not change their routine any more than it needs to when something as big as a divorce is happening. Your workload doesn’t sound like it’s so excessive that your kids would be negatively impacted by them living with you most of the time as it sounds as you do the majority of the day to day. Definitely don’t agree to move out and rent, you would leave yourself with no financial security which you deserve. The non main care giver shouldn’t reside in the house with the children, it should be sold and split.

House and holiday arrangements are completely separate imo.

Why not take 10 days in SH and then 2-3 weekends where you take fri/mon off so you have 4 full days? Will still leave 10 days for Christmas and Easter and you'll get BH on top.

I've not read the whole thread so apoliges if I'm repeating others.

The devil, as they say is in the details.
You could insist that a weekend is defined as Friday, when you finish work (3 or 4pm) until Monday morning before you start working.
So you will then have 3 nights to his 4, with such young children you could suggest you wish to pick them up and see them in Wednesday evening.

Obviously if you take 2 weeks off work, and wish to have the children the full 14 days, you should allow him an equal 14 days straight.

Christmas and Easter holidays have bank holidays you can utilise to increase your non working days and half term one weekend plus 2/3 days off in the week.

If you try to look passed your emotions, which I appreciate is difficult at this stage, you should be able to find a solution that gives you plenty of holiday time.

Is he planning to have them at all during term time weekdays?

Honestly ( and sorry that I have to say it, because I understand it's probably a bit of a gut reaction towards dh), I don't think children should have to be put into childcare just because mum does not want dad to have more holiday time. It is a bit selfish. SO technically your kids have the same amount of leave as you do. only 25 days for example. The rest of the time they go to school or have to go to childcare because you are working. Less downtime for them. And lets be honest for a second. Clubs are hard to wrangle when you work. Have you seen the many many many single mum threads saying 'summer club is from 9 -3, how am I expected to pick up my kids? I work.' So clubs won't be a good option. It will be wrap around childcare, which again that means a 5 year old has less downtime. It is stressfull to be in a social setting for 8 hours a day, that's why we see kids' behaviour are normally a bit 'worse' straight after school. They're letting off steam, because they had to be perfect for the whole day.
I am sorry because I understand that on the surface it is seems unfair, but it is a selfish thing to do. Take the amount of time that you have leave for and be gracious about the fact that they can spend their holidays on little morning outings or disney movies in bed with dad. It can always be revisited when they are older.

People are overthinking it with the maths. Keep it as simple as possible.

It doesn’t sound like the dad has altruistic reasons for taking the kids all summer. I’d be wary of this new involved dad thing upon approaching divorce.

For summer - split 50/50. A two week annual leave and one week in fun kids clubs when with the mum, and dad can do what he wants with his half. Same for the other holidays.

During the standard work week stick to whatever you agree, be it 50/50 or eow+1.

There sounds to me like there’s an element of control being exerted over OP by the stbx and we’re avoiding that and her needs as a mother to spend adequate time with her children because dad offers to take them when she’s at work. This means she has no downtime herself it’s work or kids but he gets his weekends to do what he wants. And are there any guarantees the kids will be entertained during his time or just watching tv and YouTube? If it’s more of a novelty thing he may be more inclined to entertain them more.

And what if he needs his ‘me time’ on his weeks? Where do the kids go then? To a club like mum suggested?

He has a point. Assuming you have 5 weeks annual leave and want them for these, he could have them for the remainder, seems wrong to insist on paying for holiday clubs when their dad isn't working

As far as the house, can either of you afford to buy the other out? If not it's sold and you buy/rent elsewhere

Pretty sure teachers are actually [ie contractually] meant to ‘work’ during the school holidays - marking, lesson planning, resource designing and the odd in person or on-line CPE/training? Ie. He won’t be free to frolic around all summer with his kids and will have to use some of these summer childcare facilities too? Or shove them in front of a screen/telly while he works?

I think you should see a very good solicitor and continue to argue for shared custody and half the house etc.

Summer hols are 6-7 weeks so 3-3.5 weeks each if yoy are 50/50. You’ll want maybe two to go on a holiday of some sort so they’re only in “childcare” 1 or 1.5 weeks. If they have friends and interests then there’s very likely to be a sports camp or similar they’ll actively want to do for a week. No reason not to do 50/50.

But, you say this is linked to who gets to stay in the house. I can’t see that either of you has more right to this than the other. What’s your proposal for the house?

He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home
Is this what you want?
How would it affect each of you, financially?

His plans for the children will probably involve arranging something that is to his own advantage. You need legal advice, and to think through, very carefully, how you will be affected.

Do not agree to anything until you have had legal advice. And remember that lawyers aren't infallible. My divorce solicitor was a complete prat.

I would stick with 50/50 being a teacher doesn't absolve him of being a parent. I would say yes to lots of holiday time but no to no week day time - its not right that the kids only get to see him occasional weekend and holidays - if he wants to be part of their life he needs week contact time and actually being a teacher should make that easier and he needs to adjust to that - he clearly hasn't been doing his fair share to date - how does all this fit around your work etc

Honestly the finances are a totally separate issue but I've of the view where kids are so young it's always better to be with a parent than jn holiday clubs ( speaking as a parent where we both work and our kids did them abs enjoyed then)

I don't think he gets the whole school holidays no.
I also don't think he should have weeks and you all weekends because if you're working full time that is exhausting and means he can have the benefit of child free time when his friends / girlfriend (when he gets one) are off work

He also should not get the family home unless you can afford an equally good home.

However as a divorced parent I would always want my ex to spend time with the dc if I'm at work and he is free ( but that's because my children are older and definitely wouldn't want to be in any kind of childcare so if I'm at work they are home alone ). For us he wouldn't expect that to mean the nights aswell, he would just provide entertainment/ meals etc during the working day, is that an option for you?

In terms of the split of custody and who gets the house it partly depends on who is currently the primary carer. In my case it was undeniably me which meant I could specify what I thought was best for the children ( within reason ) and I got a higher split of custody.

I suspect he's suggested this:

a) to be a dick
b) to get the house

You need to get advice from a really good family lawyer - he’s being unreasonable and the arrangements you make for your weeks are up to you. The day is longer than 9-5 and you obviously want to see your children out of those hours.
Being a teacher does not give him more rights to the family home either; I would not trust him at all.

Hes playing you for a fool OP. He wants to do thr easy holiday parenting and have you pay CMS. Do not give into this

13 weeks of school is 7.5 each so that's only 8 or sp days you would need CC. Imo it's good for kids to do clubs (im a SAHM and my kids are doing tennis camp next week/i used to stay with GPs in the summer as a "treat" even tho my mum was SAH).

seeing as you can finish at 3pm there's no argument that it will be a long day and you could also take parental leave.

New found parent of the year my arse!

Could you argue for them to go to him during the daytimes in the holidays and then they come "home" for all bar a few overnights?

Would that be better?

And also you can take them away on holiday for a week or 2 using your days off to.

Remember if he's a teacher his Inset days may not line up with your DCs school so you may have to cover those yourself to.