Divorcing a teacher

[MarioBrothers]

I'm splitting from my husband. We are only at the start. He is a teacher and arguing for almost all school holidays as I will need to use childcare and summer camps as I work full time. He is arguing it makes more sense just for him to have them for the whole of the holidays with me having weekends during all school holidays. DC are 5 and 6. He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere.

AIBU to say I still want normal arrangements during holidays? He says yes, becasue I would be paying for childcare - which is true at least some of the time as only have 25 days leave.

We haven't even worked out a schedule yet and still living together but this is one the first arguments that has come up.

AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

The school week is easy compared to the tail end of the school holidays with bored tweenagers

Based on this I'd be sticking to the term time arrangements plus holiday clubs.

Who is he expecting to cover those random days during term time - training days, sick kids etc?

I think the house is a red herring - if you plan to share custody approximately 50:50, you will both need to have somewhere to live that can have your children as well. Unless you have a lot of joint savings, chances are that neither of you will be able to stay in the house and you'll both need to get cheaper places

If the summer holidays are 6 weeks long and you’re doing 50:50 that’s 3 weeks each (21 days). So you use 2 weeks annual leave and the other 4 weeks he has them Monday to Friday and you have them weekends. The 4 weekends amount to 8 days so with your annual leave that would be 22 days. So you’d actually have them more than him

Initially, yes.

It's been like this a fair few years now and it works out well for all of us now. The two/ 3 weeks are still much harder, but the oldest is a teen now and we chat on the phone pretty much all the time anyway.

I find it gives me important decompression time to be away from the kids. Time to get on with my own job, have some me-time, time to sort the house out and yet be able to spend quality time with the kids when I have them, because I'm refreshed.

And he gets that, too, even though he rarely has them all to himself and seems to need a stream of visitors to keep himself/ them occupied when they're with him. But this way they, too, get the best of both worlds.

So they would just be sitting at home when with dad during holidays?

That's not what is being proposed. Read the OP.

I'd seriously question whether the children really would prefer to be in a holiday club all day every day during the holidays, especially in the summer. Surely they need some time just to chill at home without having other kids around them all the time, being expected to take part in activities etc etc.

How about proposing an arrangement whereby the children are with you for all weekends and Bank Holidays that happen during school vacations (with perhaps a separate arrangement for Christmas) plus two weeks in the summer and, say, another week some other time of year - plus odd special days such as birthdays. If you can arrange to WFH on Fridays and/or Mondays, you could perhaps extend weekends by an extra day or two.

Clubs are only part of the day. I can see why OP would want them to be at clubs and then spend say 1500 to bedtime with them if possible. It will be too much to be away from them practically the whole summer.

Not sure why she should get the house though…

If you have flexi working and can work at home then no reason to not do 50/50 in the holidays then.

I'm a lone parent and exactly what I did, pick DD up at 3, she then chilled whilst I did a bit more work.

Shes 14 now so easily looks after herself when I'm WFH but the early years was a lot of juggling summer activities which is preferable to them mooching at home.

Keep with the 50/50 no reason not to. No reason to also risk CM or the house situation too.

We have a similar situation. The way we work it is that we keep the usual custody arrangements in the school holidays. However if one of us wants DSS for a week because we’re going away then we can ask for that and it’s usually agreed to. With the other parent getting a full week in return regardless of whether or not they are going away. We do keep holidays to a max of one week. Also if the teacher parent wants to see DSS more they can offer to provide the childcare needed during the day (but DSS returns to other parent in the evening of their custody days)

I haven’t read the full thread but have you totalled up the number of days over the year and looked to see what that means from a CMS point of view. It’s a tiered system and depends on whether you will need to rely on CM to support the kids.

He takes them to park but he also puts on a lot of youtube. He also doesn't plan ahead and DS struggles a lot with not doing what he is doing from one day to next.

With all due respect, this drip feed sounds a bit like you're trying to justify your jealousy/pettiness/etc... Are YOU the perfect parent during the school hols? Will all childcare and wrap around care be 100% "on" and enriching for them?

I think him having them during the hols, with a few clubs sprinkled in, and him having his me time + you seeing them on weekends during the hols sounds perfect. The house is another matter.

I've always been the type to prefer activities to lazing around... But I was one of the "permanent club kids" there the whole day 5 days a week, and at some point when no other kids are really there, you get bored, the teacher gets bored, you all have cabin fever stuck in there with each other, they stick some Youtube on for you or just stare into space despite what the written itinerary/programme says...

I wouldn't discuss logistics. I think it's best to discuss them with a mediator or 3rd party present.

I think alternate weekends and 50:50 holidays is reasonable. He gets father's day and you get mother's day as part of the agreement

You could alternate who does the week half terms in Feb, May and October. You both get a week at Easter.and Christmas..Then 3 weeks each over summer holiday. That gives you time to have a holiday with the kids.

Whilst having flexibility over school holidays makes sense - Where does he propose they live for the other 39 weeks a year during term time ?

How about you agree you each have a week over Christmas and Easter. You have the weekends each side of the half terms and you have two weeks of the summer holidays as well as all the weekends (unless he is taking them away on holiday)? Unless they go to the same school as their father, the responsibility to cover inset days will also need to be addressed since he is unlikely to be able to get the time off. This suggestion gives you 25 days a year with the children and enables you to fix the dates in advance for trips and holidays.

I think they should have the option of being with a parent rather than holiday clubs.

Make sure birthdays (including his and yours) as well as any other special days like Mother’s Day etc are also covered in whatever you agree.

I'm not suggesting kids will be in holiday clubs for days on end. I'm suggesting that if we go for 5050, this should be retained in holidays (despite him being a teacher) and that if I need to use clubs during my time - then so be it - but of course I will be taking annual leave and i work flexibly and from home a lot anyway. What I'm saying is that just becase he is a teacher doesn't mean our arrngement goes out the window and he has them for the whole 6 weeks.

this is not being not wanting them to see their dad or being jealous/petty - i just think it's better for them to spend time with both of us during the holidays.

I don't see why a 4 week/2 week split wouldn't work just as well

Agree with you OP...if you do 50/50 week on and off I'd do a handover in the week so you can also plan weekends away if you want to do that.

Why does he keep the house if they're with you for most days of the year? Def don't say yes to that. He can bloody rent!

Ref holidays, you will take time off with them at least a week at Christmas, Easter and 2 weeks over the summer, so tell him to sod off.

Get advice, he's trying to railroad you x

He’s doing it so he gets more rights over the marital home. He’s manipulating you.

50/50 on an ongoing basis - irrespective of school holidays or anything else.

Stay strong OP. Get a lawyer.

p.s. to all the judgemental people: summer school clubs etc are great for kids - structured play, socialising with peers, away from devices & TV.

Don’t add guilt about having to work during holidays as MILLIONS of parents HAVE to do, on to her shoulders too.

But the op would be using annual leave in the hols - probably only needs a week over the year for holiday clubs, less once the dc are 9 and over - the op is not even considering full summer hols in holiday club.

Additionally- the father has had all the hols off and still Sent his dc to holiday club to have some "him time" - so he was more than happy to use holiday clubs while he was off work just to chill our but now it is divorce and trying to wrangle himself the house he is against the idea -.he is a total bullshitter