Telling kids we're moving- they're not happy

[WonderBananas]

I've started to try to speak to my 9 and 7 year old that we might have to move for my work. The older one said she would be ok, younger just won't consider it. I know it's tough for them. It's only for a year and we can come back.
Single parent. Only moving an hour away (in good traffic). Tried to avoid this at all costs.
Any way of softening the blow?

Sympathies it sounds super tough

three tips/techniques come to mind (not necessarily in this order)

1. Acknowledge their feelings / active listening.

this is tough, I know this isn't what you'd chose. Mirror what they're saying back to them in your own words to show that you are aware.

2. give information (do your research first)

make notes to help prepare yourself but as naturally as you can give your children the information that has lead to this decision in as accessible a way as you can. Keep it clear what the non optional part is e.g.

I HAVE to pass this course, in order to pass this course, I HAVE to consistently be arriving on time and not already stressed. Being on time for work is a non optional part of adult life. Therefore, whilst I tried to avoid it we do have to move to somewhere else my necessary criteria are (for example)
a) primary school within 15 minutes drive of my placement
(that has spaces so I can get you into it)
b) that has a before and after school club
(that has spaces so I can get you into)

These are some tough criteria to fill but how tough is very area dependent, you may have to tinker with travel times to get the right sort of list otoh there may really only be one viable option.

3. give them limited approved options (where both/all options actually ARE ok)

Having got a list of all the schools that fit your necessary criteria you can look at them together (I'm thinking website etc. )

If there is really only one viable school just move school into the giving information section and focus on choice of neigbourhoods or priorities.

Good luck with your move and course

In my experience and them still being fairly young, they will get over it. I moved several times (also as a SP) and it all went ok. Once they get into school and make friends, it will become much easier.
That said, mine were always excited about moving.

Peak Mumsnet right here.

I moved schools frequently as a child. I wasn’t given any choice (that was then) but was all fine. If you are fine, they will be fine. And as you say, it’s only for a year. Though by then, they probably won’t want to move back. Have you considered that?

Could their father collect them from school? And drop them in the morning?
Do you know you have a legal right to ask for flexible working as a parent, is reducing your hours an option?

We're moving at the end of the month. Eldest not bothered, but our daughter (10) was really against it. She came around after we promised her that her best friend could visit for sleepovers (along with installing the Stars app on her kindle). Would that help?

Needs must

And I expect you would rather not so you are all in the same boat
See if they can come up with idea to make it better

Why the sneery response? @TheSnowyOwl is simply telling us what worked for her. Yes, you can manage an hours commute, and several people have said how they did it.

Move as you may love the new location and settle there . Your children will adapt, many years ago we listened to our children who didn’t want to move and it was the wrong decision . Move

Ultimately your kids are entitled to their feelings - and your job is to manage them through them, not try and clear away any possible obstacle to their unhappiness. I would do it and support them through it.

Seriously you are the parent they are children. You make the decision they do as they are told end of. Blimey children are children we are the adults no discussion sorry no wonder all these children are out of control with no respect these days. You make the rules they do as they are told

Military child here. I went to 7 different primary schools and 2 secondary schools. Your children may think it’s rubbish now but will settle and adapt and may even end up enjoying themselves. You have to do what’s right by you to be the best mum you can be. If you don’t look after your own mental health and well-being how on earth can you be expected to give your best to your children. Mothers are told all the time sacrifice everything for your kids and to a certain extent that’s true but if you end up so depressed and exhausted how are you going to look after them fully. You have to do what makes your life easier. They will adapt.

Have you looked into house swaps or shared drive? Great idea, meaning you can return to your home after an agreed time. I would also say it does seem a big upheaval for a year, if you own your home all the fees etc as well as everything else disruptive wise. Can't be easy for you to make this decision, but an alternative could be chuld minder wrap around care so more flexibility time wise on a morning. Best of luck xx

I'm confused.

You "MIGHT" have to move for work for a year???

You should know whether you will or will not before you start talking to the children.

If you are just word-confused and are actually moving - make that clear.

Then you build the picture, the vision that your children can buy into.

It's just for a year and they'll be right back home with their friends telling them of their adventures.

You'll arrange weekends so their best friends can come stay for the whole 2-day weekend and see the new home.

Research all the good and exciting things in new location (or look up a new activity they both might be excited by)

They get a smart phone to stay in touch with their friends. Or the new home comes with a new laptop/something that's feasible that they want.

If all else fails buy a lowish-maintenance pet that they'll love and become responsible for cleaning the cage, welfare, etc.

Give lots of on-going positive messaging about the location and the three of you being there.

In effect:

REASSURANCE
NEW OPPORTUNITIES
BRIBERY
CONFIDENCE

They choose to move back due to opportunities. Where we moved they had far less options in the way of extra curricular activities and clubs. It was during covid so they would have missed out anyway but the new area didnt restart many clubs back up like our old area. One loved the move, bigger school and made lots of new friends especially girls, her original school was very small and she had 2 girl friends so she loved the big class and all the kids were lovely. She is also extremely sporty and the new school was fun, she got to do a lot of things she enjoyed but it had zero sports opportunities unlike her old school. The middle child also made friends, ones that we've visited since moving back but she missed her old friends terribly. The 2 closest friends she made were also moving away at the same time we were looking at moving back so she was upset about loosing the 2 new friends she’d made which obviously made the decision to move back a lot easier for her. Unlike her older sister her class was 13 girls & 2 boys so she had lots of girl friendships she missed. I was not personally happy with her teacher at the new school, so there was an element for me that she wasnt getting what she needed at school.

if asked all 3 talk about our move with happy memories. We have a trip planned for the summer holidays to go for a few days for them to catch up with the friends weve made, we will be staying with the friends. Their friends have also visited us. We plan on keeping these friendships. They loved the house we lived in, they had a big garden and driveway they could play in and ride bikes. But ultimately they are happy back in our own house, their old bedrooms, back with the friends they have mostly known since nursery, doing their old clubs, they love living back closer to the sea.

Move OP. They will be OK. As you said 2 hours difference in pick-up time is huge and if there is an emergency at school, etc is so much harder if you are a long way away. Try and sound positive about it. Take them to view the new area and plan fun things to do while there. Also present this as decision already made. If you lead they will follow you. All the best

Also they are too young to be consulted about this kind of things. Is your decision alone

It's the 'won't consider it' that sticks in my craw. Yes it's an upheaval for them, but it's not a decision you've taken lightly or without trying other options, and, at the end of the day, it's your decision, not your child's. They are clearly too young to be aware of all the ramifications from your perspective; it is the nature od childheed to only see the world in terms of how it affects them. Stand firm, kindly and positively.

This may sound silly, but make sure your children know that they will be taking their belongings with them. When we moved house my son who was 7 at the time was very upset about moving house, but it turned out he thought he had to leave all his toys and belongings behind and move into the new house as is!

I can’t get my head round that your current journey time to work is just 22 minutes when journeys for many people take an hour and that’s just working locally. If journey requires travel on a motorway there’s usually the less congested ‘old’ routes.
I wouldn’t clean the fridge every day. As pp posted surely twice a year.
I get the impression you have leapt to the idea that you have to move. And don’t rent. You should read Property118 where house owners are pulling out of rental market because of all the new regulations and tenants refusing to leave, it’s a can of worms : tenants either on phone every 5 minutes demanding repairs or not reporting damages and not paying rent.
You shouldn’t be giving priority to how to sell it to the kids.
You need to give prime consideration to worst case scenarios including quality of the schools in a poorer area and life in the local area.

Because only on Mumsnet is the default answer is "nanny/cleaner".

Back in the real world, not everyone can afford to outsource the drudgy parts of their life to a poorer woman. Yet it's always thrown out there as a solution. It's not a solution for the vast majority of people.

Do you not think if the op could afford to do that, she would have?

My personal view is that children are children and if their parent needs/wants to move then the children don’t get a choice… generally kids are pretty resilient and once moved they’ll make friends.. they’ll be back every weekend seeing their friends and dad…
where will you stay at weekends? And will you be working close again in a year?

It is a potential solution, and possibly would cost less than moving, so no reason why it shouldn't be mentioned. Two moves in a year! Thats potentially 4 months nanny salary just in removal costs! And before you add in every thing else that could easily add up to more than paying a nanny for a year, or a nanny share, or a part time nanny.

You don't have to sneer at someone elses suggestion. The OP can clearly afford to move, she is not stony broke.

Finally! I hadn't dared to say it! You have to move, they have to be with you - end of story. There is nothing to discuss with them, it's a done deal.