Telling kids we're moving- they're not happy

[WonderBananas]

I've started to try to speak to my 9 and 7 year old that we might have to move for my work. The older one said she would be ok, younger just won't consider it. I know it's tough for them. It's only for a year and we can come back.
Single parent. Only moving an hour away (in good traffic). Tried to avoid this at all costs.
Any way of softening the blow?

If you don’t have any spare money, trust me, you cannot be a landlady. That could seriously end with your home being repossessed. As I say I’m a landlady. You need really deep pockets just in case something goes wrong.

The set up costs are high, around 1k if you’re using an agency and that’s presuming your house doesn’t need any remedial gas or electrical works.

Idk how many bedrooms you have and if it’s just a case of the 2 kids sharing for the year or if you’d all 3 need to share a bedroom to accommodate someone else. But I’d do whatever it takes not to have to rent my home out for the year.

You say you live in or near a city, could you offer a reduced rent in exchange for looking after your dcs and house? I know it’s not what you want to do. Having been so ill for most of my dd’s life, I get what it is to miss out.

Can your dcs go every other weekend to their dads so you get some quality time with them for example?

I’d stick it out for one more year and do absolutely everything I could to make the current routine easier.

Different childcare, get a cleaner, do chores and life admin on a weekend when the kids are at their Dads. Kids eat dinner at the childcare. You eat a meal at work and have a sandwich for dinner. No need to do any chores except dishes and empty the bin during the week. Get up an hour later and go to bed an hour later so more time in the evening to spend with kids.

DH moved when he was a kid, hated it and never forgave his parents.

My sister moved her 3 kids and ended up moving back when the eldest hated it and had to end up in therapy to cope. Her middle child is also extremely anxious since.

The original quote was referencing millions of children collectively. But you know that.

I moved at that age op, they’ll be fine. These things happen in life and children are adaptable. Empathise with them but also ride it out too.

How will you be home at 5.30 if you live ten minutes away from work but now it is 7? Why are you not now home at 6?

who has your children for wrap around care now? how is this a better option than a childminder?

is your new career path well paid? Will it give you far more options than you have now?

I completely agree. I would cling on by my fingertips if it's just for a year, rather than undertake a disruptive move for such a short period. It's not easy, I know, but I think it's the lesser of two evils.

Can your dcs go every other weekend to their dads so you get some quality time with them for example?
also this. Why is he getting every weekend? And how if he is homeless?

Brexit all but killed the au pair role.

If you've already decided/really have no choice I'm not sure why you posted...

I would personally be talking to HR to request flexibility in my placement based on caring responsibilities. It's really not nothing to move your children and home for a year for a placement. Have you tried this?

I agree an hour commute is very hard for a single parent but I also know a move is hard for kids especially when it's so temporary and they won't feel able to truly settle and put down roots. People say kids are resilient but really it's that they have no choice! What about moving to this place permanently?

You would move them twice in 12 months, that's harsh. Even as scaley brats my children didn't move that much once they were past 5.

They'll survive.

Op, just don’t give them the option. You’re moving, end of. It’s not going to damage them in anyway and they’ll soon settle into a new school.

You mention the M5, which is interesting and highlights my thoughts that it's really going to depend on where you are going from and to. Moving for the sake of 1 year commuting, while renting your house and double school moves is madness though, sorry; so many potential issues to just solve the commute, from wrecking lodgers to children in different schools with no out of hours care. If you were instead saying you'll fully move from say Worcester to Weston-Super-Mare, or Bristol to Exeter - then that's a potentially positive and interesting lifestyle change that you could get the kids into. I'd say go both feet in; either get better childcare where you are (au pair or local mum or childminder), or fully sell and move. Do think about how dad will see the kids though; if he is homeless would he agree to you paying his travel rather than uproot the kids? You are responsible for travel costs generally if you move away, so will need to bear it in mind.

You should absolutely move closer to work so that you can be a more active and present parent. Don't ask their permission, inform them it is happening and get them excited about their new schools and other opportunities. Any clubs or classes they could join as a result for example.

@midlifepisces if you re- read my OP it was about how to get my children on board with the move, not whether to move. It was about how to communicate the reasons why, how to validate their feelings whilst also explaining the advantages.
I never once asked if people thought I should move.
I know my own reasons. There really isn't an easier option. I'm skint as only getting a bursary, as my MSc is being paid for by the department of health. I am not entitled to UC as I'm a student so can't claim childcare costs. I'm constantly skint and constantly tired. I have to do my uni work in my own time so that takes up my kid free time, plus I have elderly parents to visit.

younger just won't consider it
They don't need to consider it. They're seven
You do what's right for you

For a year it’s an adventure. They can ‘try out’ a new area, see friends at weekends and holidays (can you offer sleepovers etc?) and look forward to a summer near the beach - try to move as soon as the summer holidays hit, rather than closer to September- you want as much of the good weather and fun vibes as possible.

The older one said she would be ok, younger just won't consider it. I know it's tough for them. It's only for a year and we can come back

You've decided you are moving for all the reasons you have stated on the thread. It's not working for you where you are so you have to move.
The younger one doesn't get to "consider it". You have to move which means they have to move too and they don't get a choice in the matter.

Say to them what you have said here, "I know it's tough for you but it's only for a year and then we will come back. I'm afraid there's no other option"

sometimes you just have to do what you have to do

the kids will be fine

i moved mine 3 times, not ideal but life worked out that way.

kids do adapt. The way to present it, is that it is a fact, not a question. Give them a few nice things to look forward to tied into the move (eg a fun attraction nearby, something new for their new rooms, a treat meal etc)

be positive and confident and they will follow suit

good luck

How will you pay the mortgage if your tenant doesn’t pay rent?

How will you repair your house if it gets trashed?

How will you pay all the on costs for rental?

How will you pay court costs to evict your tenant?

How will you be able to afford to pay your rent when the income from the rent generated from your house (if you get the rent) will be taxed income?

Will you be able to complete and file your tax return for the rental income or will you need to pay an accountant?

Have you answered all of these questions because until you are able to find the money for this, any move is impossible so any conversation with your youngest is premature. .

@Mummyoflittledragon my local authority pay to rent houses and pay all costs.

Have you factored in all the cost in preparing a property for renting out? The managing agents fees, so that broken boilers / leaking roofs are dealt with. What is your plan for non-paying tenants?

Alternatively there is an NHS house swap type scheme for students on placements. I could rent it to some international nurses.

I would explain it best you can, they'll adapt, kids always do. They're not moving country, they'll be back at weekends to see family and friends. Worse thing you can do is ask them, tell them what's happening. Maybe let them help pick somewhere to live, get them involved somehow?

I moved with children just a little older - 11 and 8. Our 8 year old was absolutely fine; our 11 year old took longer to adjust and missed his old friends for a few months.

things that helped:

• finding things that were the same in the new place (eg McDonalds!)
• talking openly about mixed feelings and acknowledging that it’s sad to say goodbye / change daily habits but also exciting to have a new adventure
• reinforce the things that will be better and make sure they happen SOON after the move. For us, one thing was going to the beach so we made sure we did this straight after school on their first day.
• making sure the children have other choices. They cannot choose about the move itself so feeling they can choose other things might help eg what’s for dinner, family movie, which friend to invite round, what to wear - whatever choices you’re able to offer in your daily lives.
• having visitors in the new place - having family and friends come to see us really helped it feel like home.

Best of luck with everything 🍀