Telling kids we're moving- they're not happy

[WonderBananas]

I've started to try to speak to my 9 and 7 year old that we might have to move for my work. The older one said she would be ok, younger just won't consider it. I know it's tough for them. It's only for a year and we can come back.
Single parent. Only moving an hour away (in good traffic). Tried to avoid this at all costs.
Any way of softening the blow?

It didn’t for my DH. He moved at 6 and hated it. My MIL says she can still remember the guilt. They came back a year later.

In your shoes I wouldn’t do this. How often do you clean the fridge??? Mine gets a quick wipe and a proper clean about twice a year! I’d get organised in the evening and stick it out.

@Maray1967 but that's what you think you would do. Unless you're in my shoes you don't know that you wouldn't feel the same. Exhausted. Resentful. Snappy. You shouldn't be doing the job that I'm doing if you feel that way. I work in a hospital.
My kids are like zombies in the morning. They are spending about less than two hours in their house awake. They get back and then there's the excitement of getting back to their toys etc and then I have to tell them to eat as quickly as they can, read, do spellings and then go to sleep. I fall asleep at the same time as them every night.
We don't do anything together. There's not even time in the evenings to go to the park. They can't have any play dates as no one wants my kids until 7 and it's not fair as I can't reciprocate.
I am exhausted from driving 22 miles each day and over the summer it's ten times worse, with the holiday traffic on the M5.

Don't overthink, be positive about the new place, at the right time use school website etc to build familiarity, same for clubs and interests.

I work with armed forces families, they move frequently with the cast majority being really fine. They are very resilient and positive about the opportunities to try new things, make new friends. They are also positive about keeping in touch with friends already made but moved from.

This is helpful in thinking about and supporting children to move and lots of it can be applied whether armed forces families or not. https://www.militaryonesource.mil/moving-pcs/plan-to-move/nine-ways-to-help-your-kids-cope-with-moving/

Make it exciting for them op, a big adventure. Tell them how much extra time you will get with them, and the games you will be able to play with them that you can't now. If they are worried about missing their friends, talk about how they can write and post them letters every week....and maybe ask their friends mums to ensure they get letters back. Anything to make it sound interesting and fun. And go around your current house pointing out things that you will bring with you, and things that you will leave to return to. Kids stress out about change, we all do, so reassure them, but they will be fine. And you will have a much better quality of life.
Edited to correct typos

They’ll be fine. 7 and 9 year olds don’t get to dictate your life choices.

Kids often don't want to move. Change is scary. They'll get used to it. It's just right now they can't imagine it

I can relate. I too worked for a little while on a 2h commute. It was awful. Absolutely knackered and zero quality time with the kids. Thankfully it was only 6 months and my husband was able to support but to me it sounds like you've tried it and it hasn't worked for your family. Moving actually sounds much better in your situation and will mean you are available more for your kids which is so important. It sounds like you have thought it through and have decided it's what's right for you and your family and should go for it.

The only thing is what will happen after a year? Are you planning to move again or try to stay in the new location?

Don't feel guilty about moving. It's what most people do and not having to drive home down the motorway as a single parent would make it a no brainier for me. And you will still own your house, to come back to.
What are the odds that they won't want to come back after a year?! It seems scary when you are 7, but it can also be a huge adventure, a great way to make new friends, do new things and become more adventurous. Agree with the pp who suggested fun visits to that town, and getting to know it before telling them, but ultimately be the parent and support them through this challenge. That's how resilience is developed, rather than by avoiding the problem.

Don’t forget you will be moving them away from their dad

They’ll be OK. Of course they don’t want to move - they don’t have the life experience to see that it’ll be fine, that change is part of life. But you do, OP, and you’re the parent. If you’ve explored all the options (au pair not a goer, for instance?) then you’ve done your pros and cons and know this will be for the best. Courage of your convictions, slap a positive attitude on it and power through.

People aren't being fair to you, OP. You must do this, so you will tell the younger child that you don't have a choice, you and they must move. It's simple--children don't decide where the family live. Your child will adjust.

>younger one wont consider it

You're the adult, you make the decisions.

@WonderBananas I know you weren't really looking for 'options' but excuse me anyway... have you considered having someone stay with you (like a student/work placement/older person) who can do morning drop offs, afterschool & meals in exchange for accommodation?

have you put the feelers out amongst the school parents? For wrap around care? I'd happily help you out if I knew you were struggling for a placement for a year. Depending on my situation at the time I might not be able to do all 5 pick up, but maybe 5 drop offs & 3 after school.

id love to live at the beach again though, so maybe if you go up a few times they'll be happy to go for a year. The thought of changing schools was worse than the reality. We went to NZ, so there was no 'popping back' at the weekends!

best of luck for it all going smoothly x

At 9/7 yo surely they just go wherever you tell them. I'm not sure it's useful involving them in the decision stage.

Kids are resilient. Do what is best for you all. Commuting on the motorway for an hour when you are getting up early is not great. Moving for a year is the best solution. We travelled all over the world with work. Refused to put kids in boarding school. Sometimes we moved after a year or two. They all survived and are well-balanced and happy adults. The important thing is to all be together and you will have more quality time if they aren't in wrap around care and you aren't spending hours commuting. Best approach is that its a fait accompli.

You’re gonna move the kids school for a year then move them back? I would just stick it out for another year.

If you rent your house out are you happy to stay in the rental at weekends and school ho,udays, are the dc going to befurther away from friends and family and their dad. It sounds tough for you, renting out your own house does come with potential problems and risks. If work are paying relocation costs would you prefer to keep the house empty so you can go home whenever you want.

I'd just suck it up for one more year.

Get an au pair to help you and problem solved.

Either : get a nanny or their dad to help out more and stay put or move to the new area and try and seek out other mums and organise as many playdates as possible as soon as you get there. Let them pick out new plates and bedding etc for the new place. Maybe let them help with the gardening if there is a garden. Kids are very adaptable. You’re doing your best. Best of luck.

They'll be fine, can you decorate their new rooms to their choice or get them something that will make it more attractive?

No way of softening the blow- tell them not ask.
Explain how they can still see their friends etc
Make it fact not a possibility

It’s not ideal and in reality kids don’t get a say. Can understand them being unhappy but it sounds unavoidable

Not advising you either way on what to do, but if you rent your house out when you sell if you will need to pay capital gains tax on any increase in value for the proportionate time that it was rented out. This could be significant, or very trivial, depending on how long you think you will live there, and the increase in value (even if that's because you have spent lots of money on extensions etc).

Since Brexit au pairs are very very thin on the ground unfortunately.

If you have a spare room, maybe try offering that to a student in exchange for help with mornings/afternoons/cleaning, or if not, maybe give your kids the option of sharing and doing this, rather than moving?

I had an au pair for a year in a similar situation. I left at 7, she got the kids up, took them to school, picked them up and then sat with them until I got in, giving them tea and eating with them. She had all day and weekends free and I paid her the going rate for evening babysitting. She did the kids’ washing and ironing too.

Did I love having someone living in the house? No. But did it get me through my training year at a reasonable cost ~ absolutely. She often sat in her room (with tv) at night or went out with friends.

Honestly, I’d really consider it. The year will go really quickly and you’ll avoid all that upheaval. Just set the ground rules right from the start.