Telling kids we're moving- they're not happy

[WonderBananas]

I've started to try to speak to my 9 and 7 year old that we might have to move for my work. The older one said she would be ok, younger just won't consider it. I know it's tough for them. It's only for a year and we can come back.
Single parent. Only moving an hour away (in good traffic). Tried to avoid this at all costs.
Any way of softening the blow?

And I don't just mean hassle for the kids - it'll be more stress for you too.

Switching your mortgage, getting tenants, becoming a landlord and having to fix anything that goes wrong or your tenants need, potential late payments/tenants moving out so you're left with a few months gap in rent payment. Settling kids in new schools. Settling in a new home, new area. Then moving back again...

If it was a long term move I'd say go for it, but even just looking at your life for the next year I'd say moving will make it more stressful.

Use a childminder?

All the people saying how disruptive it will be - OP clearly understands that which is why she didn’t move them all a year ago. She has insight into her own situation which in itself is to be applauded, and she understands that if they carry on it will do some damage to her relationship with the kids and/or her mental health.

If she’s training in a healthcare based job she definitely doesn’t have the spare cash for extra childcare.

Primary aged kids are resilient and forgetful - they will adapt and move forward without batting an eyelid. I know lots locally who have moved schools for various reasons, and friends from the past are soon replaced. Much harder for secondary.

We were forces kids and I think I moved about 7 times while at primary school. Wasn't an issue and I lost touch with all my friends from each school without batting an eyelid.

Your Dcs may not like the idea but will soon adapt. Do whatever you need while they are still young. Good luck.

There are no au pairs any more. Due to brexit, visa issues and the removal of min wage get out for domestic staff.

Also, try selling it as an adventure! Is there anything great about the new location they can get excited about? And also - decide if you really are coming back in a year's time. You might decide to stay there, or move again - so maybe don't make promises that you might not want to keep in a years time?

There's no point in telling them you "might" have to move. Either you're moving or you're not. They need certainty.

They'll adapt. It will be fine.

If she's 10 when you want to move back, you'll be applying for secondary school and you have to already be living in the area. This could get tricky.

My parents moved when I was 9 and it really affected me - the message I was given was that it didn’t matter about losing my friends because I could make new ones. I cba for several years and while I have good friendships now I know I still have trust issues.
if it’s only a year I’d try to keep the children’s friendships going.

It's only 1 hour away, honestly, you're not moving overseas. Just state as is and do not negotiate with children. "We are moving to be closer to work to have a more reasonable schedule and be able to spend more time together. Understand Ithe change is not easy but it's only an hour away. Thiusands of chijdren move with parents across the Globe and do just fine".
I know you are not asking for opinion re your move but based on what you told here it us absolutely justified.

You’re doing something that will make a better future for all of you and a year’s relocation is a small price to pay.

I work in a school - plenty of kids leave and come back after a year or two for all sorts of reasons…they will adapt. If your DCs will be maintaining contact with friends in the area when they see their dad too it wil be even easier for them.

Go for it and best of luck.

You're the adult here so the little ducklings must follow whether they like it or not. They will get used to it and don't feel guilty because whatever you decide and do is for you and their future.

Kids in general don't want to move. There is no softening of the blow. Just be understanding and let them have feelings.

and thousands of children move with their parents and are not fine

"and thousands of children move with their parents and are not fine"

And?

and you dont move children unless you have to. The OP's children may not be fine. would you be ok with that? Would the op?

But I understand you had a bad experience. But I don't think it's helpful to always assume the worst. You'd never do anything.

Like a single parent needs any more guilt 🙄

OP, as a single parent who also had young children and worked full time, I get it. You get to make the choices here, not the children and, considering that everything you are doing is FOR your family, you should make the one that is going to ease some of the stress and pressure.
The kids will be fine but I wouldn't promise them that you'll move back in a year. In fact, I wouldn't look at it as a 'year long' move even if that is the most likely scenario.
Just commit and do if that's what is going to be easiest for you. If you return in a year because it is the best thing for your family, that's a bonus.

You are doing an amazing job getting out there and doing what you need to for yourself and your children. Good luck!

We moved for 18months due to DHs work. On a whole it was good move. Had a few issues but for the most part it worked and DCs ended up back in their old primary. We don’t regret the move but do acknowledge there were things our DCs missed out on. Yes sad but not ultimately not life changing events. We made it clear before the move than after a year they had the option to say they wanted to move back. We gave them the option and they choose to move back. It took another six months but it happened and they are in no way damaged by our choices. They are children at the time they were 9, 7 & 3 but we tried to make it clear what our reasons were for moving, why it was better for us as a family and what decision they as children are able to make. In the end as parents we have to do what we thinks right but giving them decisions was a huge thing. We let them pick schools they wanted to visit and tried to go with their choices, thankfully they choose the same school. Clubs and sleep arrangements were also their choice, they may not have been ours but it kept them happy.

I have to agree with @Spirallingdownwards
You’re the boss.
I remember my dad telling me I could yell and cry and carry on but “the event” was still happening and there was nothing anybody could do about it — so the very best thing we could do would be to all band together as a team and make it as easy for each other as we could, instead of making it making it a 100 times harder.
But it was going to happen.

Go for it. Treat it like an adventure. Make the most of living in the new place and see all the fun things.
The kids are at a great age; they will be fine.
They will have great memories.

@WonderBananas life does give us lemons sometimes and the lemonade you then make is crap!

Sounds like you've tried every option except whether you looked for someone who can do drop offs and pick ups for you. This still wouldn't affect how much time you had together, but it would def reduce your stress levels.

I know commuting is a nightmare - I used to find I could manage it in the summer but come Autumn and Winter I loathed it. I did it for 5 years starting my kids were 2&3 - 3.5 hours a day and once a week the trains would be Ts-UP. I'd go days without seeing them awake. But my DH covered for me. As a single parent you don't have that. So, without help you need to move :(

Commuting is awful, OP. Specially an hour. That’s two hrs of your day spent in traffic. That’s just misery! Do what you need to do to pay the bills, whilst maintaining your sanity. Kids will get over it.

Just do it. Find the new house, sort whatever you need to do and present it as a “this is happening”. Don’t let them build anxiety by involving them in decision making- or thinking there is chance for negotiation.

You’ve given them warning, but you are the adult here and you get to make the final decision what is best for you, your family and your quality of life.

Best of luck OP, it sounds like you are working incredibly hard for your family. Your kids will see and appreciate that eventually.

well, they weren't that happy, if they unanimously wanted to move back after a year, were they - and what would you have done if it hadn't been unanimous? Ans what would you have done if they had made incompatible choices with any of the other decisions you gave them? This is a strange story. Especially as you say it all went well, and it was sad, at the same time, it would be interesting to hear your children's perspective on this.