Telling kids we're moving- they're not happy

[WonderBananas]

I've started to try to speak to my 9 and 7 year old that we might have to move for my work. The older one said she would be ok, younger just won't consider it. I know it's tough for them. It's only for a year and we can come back.
Single parent. Only moving an hour away (in good traffic). Tried to avoid this at all costs.
Any way of softening the blow?

I am a landlady. I’ve had to evict a tenant for non payment. It was a lengthy process and he left minimal damage but didn’t clean for the 13/14 months he was there. The solicitor fees, costs, non payment of rent, general clean and tidy came to over 13k. If you do go for this route, it’s going to be pretty stressful in itself. You’ll also have to pay tax on the income. Do get good landlord insurance.

Then you need to have a gas and electricity certificate, ensure everything is in working order, clean the house from top to bottom etc. Then what happens if they refuse to move out after the year? You’ll have to evict them through court.

If it’s only for a year, I really would consider getting an au pair if you’re able.

Emphasise to your children how much more time they will have with you, at home playing, at the beach etc. Ultimately, you're the adult and you have to decide. Maybe if your new home is in a better location some of their school friends might come for a family day trip? Find out what they're worried about - it's probably just fear of the unknown. Remind them of first time experiences they have already coped with - starting nursery, school etc. Then do what you know is best.

Kids will usually not be happy about moving but it’s not their decision. Speaking from personal experience of moving with our kids who were around 10 and 8, in the long run it made them more adaptable and it seems like it should improve the quality of your family life. Don’t present it as an option, present it as a fact and start talking about it so they have lots of time to get used to the fact that it’s happening. Best of luck!

Nevermind that they “won’t consider it”, they’ll still be going, won’t they!

You’re the parent, and doing the right thing, so I’d just be positive, a bit brisk, and get on with it. They’ll live.

If I were you I would get a nanny/ child minder / au pair and a cleaner

the kids could spend more time in their home and the cleaner could mean you relax in your time together

some renters ruin properties and can be hard to fill a house for only a year.

I couldn’t do it to my kids for the sake of an hour and returning after a year. I’d honestly just suck it up for another year. Housework can be dealt with as and when. I wouldn’t stress. I’d also look into a childminder / au pair to take to school in the morning. It could be done and it’s just for a year.

@LewishamMumNow I grew up in catford, small world.

Op, perhaps there's a student that could help you out.

I've had au pairs and a neighbours daughter used to help with kids in the morning and after school.

There are several options open to you. The last thing I'd do is be moving. The hassle of it, God just no.

I can't really afford any help as a trainee. All my money goes on my mortgage (kept our family home post split) and childcare.
Plus the ai pair idea wouldn't help me with spending more time with the children. That's what we are all missing

At least you told them. I was about 10 when my parents decided to sell our house and move. I was away at the time (summer camp) and my mom sent me a post card. "Guess what! We've moved!!" No new address or anything. Never got to go back to say goodbye to any friends.

The au pair could work for accommodation, no money exchanges hands. Plenty of students looking for accommodation and might have a part time job also.

I'd try everything before uprooting my children for just one year.

An hour’s commute is fairly normal.

Our commutes were over an hour every day before Covid and we just relied upon a nanny. She got to our house for when we needed to leave, got our child up and to school, did light housework and ironed the school clothes, then collected from school, did homework and cooked. The time we had once we got home was quality time as everything else had been done.

OP, I’d say needs must so if moving needs to happen, then it will have to happen. The year will fly by, you kids will be back in their local area at weekends. It will work out. Life can’t always revolve around what children want.

I don't have a spare room for an au pair. Plus I thought they were near impossible to find after brexit.

This!

Im surprised at the responses, although havent read past the first page

Of course they will be worried and anxious about change that is normal. The job of the parent is to reassure and enhance resilience.

Sometimes we have to do things which arent comfortable but they will adapt, just like millions of kids and adults do in response to moves and changes in circumstances.

Yeah I find the old "get an au pair" is a bit annoying. You have to have a house large enough for their own room and usually bathroom as well as access to a car etc. they aren't something most "normal" families can afford/accommodate

I understand your stress with the whole thing - I'm a sole parent and the stress of rushing home often 100s of miles to make it back for childminder/after school pick up as nearly led me to a breakdown! But if it's only for a year I'm not sure I'd bother with the upheaval?

At 9 and 7 I think they should be able to understand all of the facts. I'd spend some time preparing some clear charts/timesheets/pie charts or whatever to show them exactly what they and you would benefit from and not benefit from.

You need to get them onboard for thinking about what is best for the family not simply whether they want to move or not.
We moved our kids from country to country as kids for work. We were always open and honest. I never dismissed their worries and I never promised they would like the new place. They knew there were big financial benefits for moving, (which they benefitted from as kids and adults)

Moving for a year sounds worse than actually moving for good and then staying put - is that an option? Trying to slot back in at the same school after a year away, not being able to fully throw themselves into the new school because they’re only going to be there for a year would be difficult.

I brought my kids up as a lone parent ( they are now adults) I retrained when the kids were younger this also involved a move .

I talked about it as trial run living in a new place this took the pressure off . I think I also threw in a ps4 and a trampoline! I thought the move may have lasted longer than a year so was careful about the house we got and the schools the kids went too .

That was 12 years ago now and the kids were absolutely fine we stayed . And because of that move and retraining we had a better life and opportunities.

Wishing you all the best , I know how heavy these decisions can be when you are doing it yourself.

in response to moves

It’s not just a move it’s a move and then a move back.

My dc weren’t happy when we moved and missed the old house for most of the first year. Honestly it was very bizarre. We moved a 5 minute walk from the old house to one double the size where they got a bedroom each and a lovely garden. We’ve been here 7 years and now they’re older they do get why we moved but still talk lovingly about the old house - it was a happy home. I think change is hard, we all like familiarity. Good luck.

What? How many times do you need to clean the fridge out??? Any why can’t you wash up in the evening?

Thats right. Moves

Im very much in favour of staying put and continuing with the one hour commute. Frankly, I don't think I've ever had a shorted commute - it is about standard really - single mother here too. I would never have uprooted my kids to avoid a standard commute.

You need a child minder, or au pair, or nanny share, so that timings are not so tight. or another mother that can drop off at breakfast club for you and pick up, with her kids.

Completely understand your dilemma, the main concern for me is do you have the flexibility to move to one place, then move back again? Maybe you could view the necessary move as a more permanent option, at least for more than a year to give some stability.

It's shit being a single parent sometimes, by the real effects on one's career, ability to train and progress; whilst juggling all the balls completely on your own.

When your training has finished, how likely are you to get a job in your current location, or wherever the placement is now?