Telling kids we're moving- they're not happy

[WonderBananas]

I've started to try to speak to my 9 and 7 year old that we might have to move for my work. The older one said she would be ok, younger just won't consider it. I know it's tough for them. It's only for a year and we can come back.
Single parent. Only moving an hour away (in good traffic). Tried to avoid this at all costs.
Any way of softening the blow?

Did you not think all this throught before taking this work route? It's only a year, you made the decision to do this. What was the plan? You must have known it would mean spending no time with them and you having a long day? How were you planning on getting through this time?

Get an au pair or a nanny or find a childminder that will take them earlier . A year is a long time in a child's life.

It's one thing moving permanently - it's something completely different moving them for 12 months with the promise of going back home (that's a whole other conundrum, you might not be able to- have you ever rented out before? I have and my tenants trashed my property causing £4k worth of damage - how will you pay for this if that happens to you? )

Poor kids have already been through a parental break up and are now being dragged away from their school and friends just so you don't have a crap commute - one that you must have known about surely before you even signed up for the course?

If it were just a standard house move and they hadn't already had a broken home, yes they'd probably adapt. But this could just be yet another major life event too much. kids could get right messed up.

You do know that the income is fully taxable?
You get basic rate tax relief but the rent amount might make you a higher rate tax payer by default.

I was moved at this age - I did settle eventually, but it took several miserable years. We had to move for my dads work. (hundreds of miles)

And the OP is doing it for no real reason. She doesn't want to commute for an hour. I wouldn't do it. I would concentrate on making the current commute work for my family.

I am grateful my parents only moved us when they had too, and that included a two year stint of my Dad living away from home for a couple of nights a week, so he didn't have to uproot us twice more.

I am a single mum too, and commutes of one hour have been the lower end of the scale. My longest commute was 1 hour 45 minutes each way, which I did for around 18 months. I kept the children in the same home for almost their whole childhood - the oldest one moved to a permanent home when he has 2. That is the only move they had until university.

Stability and continuity is so important. Of course sometimes it is not possible, but this seems like a non-reason for throwing it all away.

I don’t think you can get them onboard. You are basically telling them they have to leave all their friends and social life behind and move for a year, but no point in making new friends or new hobbies because you will be uprooting them again in another year, and when they get back everywhere who was friends will them will have moved on. How can you expect them to be onboard with a move that is only detrimental to them and has no benefits? Your children might well not even be able to go to the same schools and then that can impact secondary education as well. There aren’t any positives to get on board with.

They are children; you are the adult and need to move for better work/life balance. They will adapt!

@WonderBananas - By the time I finished primary school I had moved 6 times (and been to at least 4 schools, though I may have forgotten one). I then went to 4 different UK secondary schools. No, we weren't on the run😉- army dad. And because he was a techie, rather than the infantry regimental type, we didn't move as a group. Trust me, you just adapt.

Also, you (as the adult) get to decide this and (even if you disagree with that) you + the 9-year-old outvote the 7-year-old. Chances are she'll be fine.

Yes, same. Our rental just ended up costing us thousands and if we had wanted to move back in, there was always the worry of what state it would be left in or whether the tenants would actually move out without us needing to go to court. It was just a huge unnecessary expense.

I can tell you this for one thing. I was in an infants school up until I was 7 with my brother who was 2 years younger. My DM suddenly decided that we weren't going to the junior school where all our friends were going because she was a bit of a snob and thought it wasn't a good school, which she was probably partly correct about.

So we went to the local other primary school which was 5-10 minutes away from the infants school, saw it and started. My brother did well as he's always made friends easily and had only been a year or so at the infants school before he moved. I on the other hand found it hard to make friends, though I did make 2 new best/close friends and I was friendly with other children in the class, a few of who I had playdates with. But then something happened, I won't put it here, but it rocked my world and was one of the reasons why I wanted to leave, it involved a boy in the year above me. My class teacher on leaving said I was an unhappy little girl, I'm not surprised though, because one of my best friends could be quite mean, a Jekyll and Hyde character. I'd stayed best friends with my 2 best friends from my old junior school and saw them a lot.

I returned to my old junior school at the start of their second year and we were treated like heroes and welcomed with open arms, and our education was actually fine.

So, I would not move your children from this school unless you really really have to. One might be resilient and cope well but the other might not. Don't think they'll be like you and cope, children have to learn to be resilient in these situations, it's not something that's inbuilt into their psyche. You'll find another way to cope. My brother's ex-wife when she had to work nights, employed an au pair to look after her 2 girls both under 10, it worked out really well for them.

My daughter went to a different secondary from all her primary friends ( we didn't even move) so can't see why that's an issue. She soon made new friends

You can't guarantee that, as per my story. They will either adapt or they won't. Is it really worth risking things and moving them, and take the chance they'll adapt or one will and the other won't?

It's not like they're war torn families fleeing bombs and fighting in Ukraine and have to move to adapt because it's a matter of life and death, there are other options, but OP doesn't seem to want to look into them.

This. You make the decisions. Do what you know you have to.
Without wanting to sound patronising, you sound like you are doing an amazing job and have tried hard before making this decision to make all else work. Kids adapt and they will be fine.

This. I’ve been in your position OP. I moved and moved my DC’s school.

I did it for the future prospects I could provide for DC. It didn’t break him. Kids are adaptable. Especially at that age.

For people who haven’t been in this position as a single parent with no other support do not understand,

kids are more resilient than we give them credit for.

good luck

And we moved schools and area too with our DC so have some experience of what you are feeling.

If it was a permanent move, yes I would say it is the right choice. But moving for a year, only to move back again feels quite disruptive for the children so I wouldn’t personally do it. Especially when you (presumably ) knew about the commute when you took the training post.

They're 9 and 7. They don't get to make the decision. Of course they're resistant to change but you're the adult and you've considered the other options. If you're doing a trainee placement then it sounds like you are working hard to get established in your career, good for you.

Put your own oxygen mask on before anyone else's - thats the saying and it applies here. Do what is right for you to have a good job and earnings, and support your family.

I'm sure they'll settle in and make new friends pretty quickly. Good
luck, it sounds like stressful.

I firmly second the suggestion of an au pair. I have several ‘ordinary’ friends (one a single Mum and two teachers who have had really successful experiences with au pairs and what you need is definitely within the remit of an au pair role!

Isn't it incredibly difficult to find au pairs these days since Brexit?

Op i understand, I'm a single parent and you have to put your own oxygen mask on first, you very probably know what's best for your family even if others who don't walk in your shoes don't

Tbh I wouldn’t hold the “it’s only for a year” carrot out. You need to move and that’s the end of it. It might well end up that they settle quickly and you decide that life is better there, but they won’t settle if they think it’s a temporary move.
Children are very adaptable at that age, and tend to make new friends quite easily.
If you intend renting your home out, get an agent and a tried and tested legal contract - including rent insurance.

@Samlewis96 My DD also moved away from friends at 11 to go boarding. At 9 most dc expect to stay with friends though. I’ve rarely seen a child willingly leave friends at 9. Prepping for a move at 11 where all dc are leaving is different. It’s a natural break.

OP we have had t move a few times.

The children never liked it but they survived.

Do it. After all it has to be done!

Personally I wouldn't tell my DC until it was all finalised.

I know you didn't ask whether it was feasible but it sounds a nightmare to me.

Renting out your own property- what if you don't have a BTL mortgage and need to swap it?
Paying deposit and moving costs for rental
New school for DC
Sorting out all utilities, swapping them over etc
Honestly this will be far more stressful fitting all that in then moving back again.

We moved (permanently) when our DDs were 8 and 10. They were both happy and settled where we were, so we did a big campaign to make the move sound as exciting as possible - their own bedrooms for the first time! 5 minutes walk to a brilliant park! We went and had a trial day at their new school and kids were falling over themselves to play with our DDs (you know what a novelty new kids can be in Primary School!), so new friends! We also threw a leaving party and let them invite everyone they wanted (luckily it was summer, so we were mostly outside) and made sure we took lots of photos and had contact details to stay in touch.

Our DDs settled in really well and much quicker than we had hoped. I'm sure your DC will too - especially knowing they're going to be coming back after a year - think how exciting and exotic they will seem to their peers! Maybe you could sit down with them and do a Pros and Cons list - make sure you write "Spending time as a family" really big, so they get the message that this is what the move is really about.

It sounds like this is your only option, so they're going to have to get on board. Perhaps they need to know you've thought of everything else, but this is what has to happen, so you're all going to make the best of it - best of luck!

NRTFT but it seems from what I have read it’s what you need to do to survive. I’m a solo mum. Do what you have to do. Try to sweeten the deal somehow (you can choose new bed covers/curtains for example). Also, from experience, if you tell them it’ll be fine, they usually take their lead from you. Even better, tell them it’s an exciting adventure. They’ll go along with that even more! Good luck! Xx

Family life matters more than anything else. Prioritise your time with your kids and their time together. They’ll adapt. Just don’t give them too much time to worry if you’re doing it do it and then tell them, if you say might it’s very unsettling. You’re in charge and you know what’s best. Family is the most important thing and it sounds like your family life is suffering right now.

I honestly think this is very disruptive for just a year. I'd start paying for childcare and download films or audio books to listen to on your commute so you can actually use that time to relax.

I honestly know how tough commuting is as I did it for 18 month, two hour commute each way so four hours a day, five days a week and nearly killed me. But uprooting their lives for one year I imagine will actually be more hassle for you all as a family