Telling kids we're moving- they're not happy

[WonderBananas]

I've started to try to speak to my 9 and 7 year old that we might have to move for my work. The older one said she would be ok, younger just won't consider it. I know it's tough for them. It's only for a year and we can come back.
Single parent. Only moving an hour away (in good traffic). Tried to avoid this at all costs.
Any way of softening the blow?

I was going to suggest the same as the pp. Is it possible he could live at yours for the year?

It sounds stressful and ultimately they will cope with the move, I wouldn't present it as an 'are you ok with this option' just a this is what we need to do, how can we make it better?'

Do you know all of the implications of renting out your home, if the tenant decides not to pay rent or refuses to leave when you want your house back?Such a tricky situation, you are obviously trying to do what is best for your family, but the current situation with long stressful commute might be clouding your view of the bigger picture.

I'd be looking at a childminder to help you out as they often do earlier and different hours. If there's no option other than moving then it's very disruptive with schooling but really a child of that age doesn't get a say especially if the benefits in the future are good for you all

Honesly if you’re just about managing, even if it’s not great, I would not force your kids to move schools for a year. At any age that’s a pretty big deal and the 9 yr old will come back, friendships will have changed and they will then have to change schools again in 1/2 years. Plus the upheaval to lessons, missing clubs, etc. Then, just as they have settled in, made friends they have to go back to their “old” life, only everything will have changed.

Have you asked if there is any chance your placement can start at 9.15- even just for a few days a week? In writing as a formal request - explaining that you may have to uproot the family if not? What about your ex- could he do 2/3 days at your house and you can then stay nearer your placement for a few days? Or could a family member do it? Or could the kids stay with him and he get them to school a few days a week? Have you spoken to school about this- there might be a chance they could be dropped early? Are you there at 7.55 on the dot? Any childminders- or even a local mum.

Re the cooking- do you batch cook? Slow cooker? If they are with their dad some weekends then that’s a great time to get food prepped so you can just bing something in before you go and it’s ready when you get back, so you can then have more of nice evening. Or could the kids do a packed tea they can eat in the car on the way back from school? Can you afford a cleaner twice a month? All only suggestions but I would try every last thing before I moved for a year.

It sounds as though you have considered all the options to avoid this. Your children will just have to adapt - you've tried your best.

I hope the move isn't too stressful for you.

We moved when ours were similar ages. They settled in and made friends really quickly. In hindsight it has actually been a really good life experience for them.
I tried to make it all really exciting for them and just focused on the positives. I also placed more emphasis on the new friendships rather than dwelling on the old ones. Not to say they should just cut off and forget their old friends, but I think too much focus on their old friends makes it harder for them to settle in. Although appreciate your situation is different in that it might not be a permanent move. Good luck, I'm sure it will all work out.

You seem to be doing way too much housework and you possibly need to get more help. Childminder could be the obvious solution. Are dc not hungry before 7.30?

Renting the house out could be a nightmare. Also are you certain DC will get a place at a school in your new location? They also might not get a place at their current school when you return. They cannot keep it open for you.

I think you are doing the right thing. Kids will always resist change, but you are the grown up so it's up to you. Moving school is hard, but you commute etc sound awful so I can see why you're at breaking point. A happy parent plays a huge part in kids wellbeing. Have you asked them what they would like in their new house to make it great for them? (rather than asking them if they want to move).

We moved when my children were 6 and 8, and back again 2 years later. It was fine, they weren’t thrilled with the idea but they coped and were happy once we were settled.
Since you’re only planning to move an hour away, can you offer the option of coming back one day every weekend? And keeping any weekend activities going? They might not always want to but it could soften the blow.

Also are you certain DC will get a place at a school in your new location? They also might not get a place at their current school when you return. They cannot keep it open for you.

This.

Have you checked this, OP?

And if they have to get places at another school when they return, will it be further away from your house? And will it make a difference to which secondary school the can go to?

If it is any help, I did it the other way. Didn't really talk of moving, to prevent giving my DC’s ‘fear of the unknown’.

Instead, we visited the proposed new town, spent nice times there, attended some events, wandered past schools, until I felt it was going to be comfortable to suggest we moved.

In fact, before I could suggest it, one of mine said ‘new town, would be a lovely place to live wouldn't it…”

Lo and behold, we moved…

I think it's fairly common for kids to move around in our city. Friend and her son have just come back from two years in Spain and he has fitted right back in, it's like he's never been out of the school. Plus now he's bilingual. Another school friend is out travelling South America for a year and will come back in year 6. Their school is very diverse so kids often go back to a parents home country for an extended amount of time and come back. I hope that the amount of movement to and from the school means that we won't have to wait too long to get a space back in the school.
Plus living in a city, our house will rent out easily and we can rent a much bigger place in the place where I work as it's not as desirable but lovely in a rural, seaside way. I'm pretty sure that I won't be able to tempt the kids with the attraction of being by the sea in a few years time.

it will be fine OP better just get it done now before secondary school.

You are making a choice for a better quality of life for everyone

Yes they'll be back at the weekends to see their dad and friends and family.
I can't go into details but their dad can't parent them full time due to his own difficulties and so he can't move in.

@ArlaJay that's a good idea, I might increase the day trips to the new area.

Well done OP, that must have been a tough decision and it is rotten having to do this stuff all on your own.

People are not wired to like change. We resist it by reflex with our older, emotional brain, and then over a couple of weeks we process it with our frontal lobes and hopefully come round. Don't overreact to her initial, emotional reaction. Give it time, don't expect too much of her but proceed calmly. It'll be ok.

The odd carrot doesn't hurt. A trampoline in the new garden, movie nights now that you all have more time...

Was going to make similar suggestion to the pp about ex moving into your house to be with kids during the week while you stay somewhere closer to work and come back at weekends (or kids come to you). Is that definitely a no-go? And not possible for them to stay with grandparents? It's the 2 school moves in space of a year, followed by secondary transition for your older child that would be disruptive for them. But if family time is suffering and this is a good thing for family long term then needs must.

We moved with dc 7, 9 and 10.. They settled very quickly.. Stop giving them so much control of adult decisions..

The other thing is that if the place where you’re training is nice, would it be an option to stay there longer- especially if you do get a good tenant in your house? I would though echo the fact that you need to be careful about tenants- what would you do if they refused to move out, stopped paying rent or trashed the place?

You don't have to clean a fridge out every morning. Start batch cooking and using a slow cooker, give the children some chores, have washing baskets for whites, coloured etc so it's quick to bring a wash on.
Take your life admin....I guess you mean bills etc...to work and pay in your lunch break once a week.
Childminders often take children from 7 or earlier and can sometimes do after 6.
Consider a cleaner once or twice a month.
No way would I disrupt childhood for a year I'm near London loads deal with more than an hour commute and delays.

This. I had to move 300 miles when I was a similar age to OP's children, I hated the idea but it was tough luck, it had to be done and I didn't get a choice. It all worked out in the end as I'm sure it will for the OP's children.

You do what you need to do.
People here are mean to you trying to guilt trip someone who's already stressed and exhausted other options.

Your children will settle in the new place I'm sure.

But did you move back a year later?

I’m a single parent and I get it. I ended up telling the children that mummy has to work to pay for that new bike, the nice home we have, the lovely trips back to England (4 seats on a transatlantic flight is so expensive) and the good school they attend (which doesn’t come cheap). Most importantly, me working pays for their medical care and therapy.

They need to get with the program as they get older. You guys need to work as a team. This move will enable you to give them more of you and that’s important. It’s an hour away.

Take them to the new place and treat them to something they enjoy doing. I took my kids to Starbucks and got them cake pops and then took them to chick fil a the following day for lunch. I’ve never been back to chick fil a but the children had a positive mindset at that point so the whole move became easier.

OP said they CAN come back.
Doesn't mean they necessarily will. She's probably just considering it as an option if things don't work out.