Telling kids we're moving- they're not happy

[WonderBananas]

I've started to try to speak to my 9 and 7 year old that we might have to move for my work. The older one said she would be ok, younger just won't consider it. I know it's tough for them. It's only for a year and we can come back.
Single parent. Only moving an hour away (in good traffic). Tried to avoid this at all costs.
Any way of softening the blow?

If you are in a city I would be looking for innovative solutions rather than move - eg we used to have a university student help us out for a bit, free housing in return for cleaning and childcare, kids wouldn't need to get up as early as, you could leave earlier and helps them too.

@WonderBananas So you would not get any control about who is in your house? Will the council agree to one year? I assume they home the homeless short term. A year is short term for a family. As soon as they are settled, you will be wanting the house back.

I feel you agreed to this MSc without really considering your situation with regard to your family. I do understand about training and money but could you not have got a placement nearer to home?

Are you certain dc will get back into their school and do you have a new school lined up? Your older child won’t have a great time leaving friends or with a disjointed education whilst you pursue yours.

Be briskly sympathetic, OP, but make it clear that it's a pity they don't want to move, but that is what is happening.

7 year olds don't get to make life choices when they don't understand how life works. Sometimes you have to move with a job. Life is tough if you are a single parent, and you are doing what you need to do to survive.

Make sure you do all your research before renting out. I’ve just sold my rental because it’s not worth the hassle. Don’t presume you will just be able to simply move back into your home in 12 months time as that is not a guarantee. I’ve spent thousands in maintenance over the last few years and my property was newly renovated when it was rented out. It’s no cheap easy business.

Personally, I wouldn't do it.

I had to move across the country at 7 and it completely screwed me over. I went from having a really good friends to none, and didn't find "my people" again until I hit 16 and went to college, so spent most of my childhood feeling like an outcast.

If my kids were happy where they were I'd move heaven and Earth in order to keep them there. If that meant dealing with a deeply shitty commute for another year it would be a no brainer.

I’m a single parent. I moved my kids at around the same age only in my case it was for cheaper housing and cost of living. They weren’t happy with me at all.

I ended up with a similar commute and it was absolute hell on earth. I don’t blame you at all for making this decision.

It sounds like you are working hard for a better future and it won’t be long until life gets easier. My sons are teens now and my life is so much easier. They even cook dinner occasionally!

best of luck

Just one point to make, you can claim universal credit as a student. My DP did when he was a single parent at university, but also didn’t think he could for some time and missed out on years of UC he could have claimed. Call them up and speak to them, the calculator online can’t handle you being a student but students can claim UC if they’re parents.

P.s. the best bet is perhaps just to find the house you’re moving to and then tell the kids as there’s something concrete to help them look forward to then. If it’s just for a year sell it as a year’s holiday and talk about all the fun holiday weekends/evenings you can all have together.

We moved about 100 miles when our kids were that age, they too were not happy :). Things that helped: pointing out things we could do in the new place that we couldn't where we were (beach, see grandma, movies); going back to see old friends regularly but not frequently.

The bottom line is that they adapted, made new mates and settled in. The eldest (23) now likes to say that we "ruined her life" by enabling her to meet all her teenage friends. The reality is that the primary/secondary transition is a big deal for all kids anyway, moving is tough but they'll get through it and likely be more resilient as a result.

Not sure if this has been mentioned but have you checked with your mortgage company as you’ll need a BTL mortgage if you’re renting your property out. They are generally more expensive as well.

Maybe there is no dad alive or he is abusive. I love suggestions along those lines.

Absolutely 100%, you are the parent and make the decision for your family. Of course children will be anxious about a move, it’s something different from what they know, but an hour down the road isn’t unreasonable at all. If it will make family life easier for you OP, do it. We relocated during lockdown, 3+hrs from where we used to live, DS1 wasn’t happy, but he soon settled and loves our new city and can now see the many benefits of the move.

Could you find a nanny that would do a 7:30 start? That way the kids wouldn’t have to get up as early and you could potentially get them up at 7 to have half an hour with them before you leave if they’re early risers. Then the nanny could do school pick up So they’re home earlier to play with their toys and give them their evening meal so that when you get home you can play with them until bedtime without having to cook/rush them to eat. Some nannies also do household chores so they could pick up the slack and give you some free time on weekends. Seems a shame to uproot them for 1 year especially if they’re not keen.

I'll answer the question you asked OP! Firstly I'd try to get DC focused on what they have to look forward to. So try and generate some excitement about the new area, research anything there that might appeal to them, activities, places of interest (my DC was cheered by the fact there was KFC within walking distance!) and paint them a positive picture of what life will look like "We will have time to go swimming/dance/riding after work" etc.
Secondly I'd stress that it was a temporary new experience and that everything would be still there when you return, and when you visited. I'd give them firm arrangements about how they'd keep in touch with the people they'd miss. How so and so could come for a sleepover or whatever.
And lastly, I'd be very very clear that it was not negotiable. I'd acknowledge their feelings, but not give any suggestion I was reconsidering. The sooner they realise its a definite the faster they will come to terms with it.

It's only for a year for you to have to cope. Many people have long commutes. I wouldn't move children away and then back again etc. It's very disruptive. For you as an adult you can see the bigger picture and you can understand a year's move is only a limited time. For them it's a much bigger emotional disruption. A year is a long time for a young child. Particularly as you are planning to move them again and then again for secondary.

I know various family members /friends who moved their children at various ages from infants to teens and invariably they were very disturbed by the disruption. In some cases the parents were also very upset when they realised.

In some cases the parents just dismissed their concerns and ploughed on regardless. Some young adults in my Uni year( 20-21 year olds) couldn't cope with the disruption of a year long placement away from home and gave up so I understand your view. It is however much more disruptive for a child and they have already had disruption in their life, you don't need to be disrupting it further.

In most cases it had a lasting effect on their education and mental wellbeing and the trust they had in their parents, sometimes like you they moved them again and again. Incidentally I have known several children with Forces parents. They were all affected badly by the constant moves.

I think needs must and it seem you've thought it through carefully OP. Kids can be quite resilient to dealing with change even it's the thought of it that scares them more, all the uncertainties which we as adults feel too. Just acknowledge their fears and uncertainty, reassure them it's for a small time and loads of kids move all the time. New friends can be made and given the distance you can do playdates to stay in touch with those closest now. And then just put a positive spin on everything I.e. extra time you'll have together soon, new rooms to decorate etc etc.

Phew that sounds good. 😊

I suppose you present this as an adventure?

The LA will want a multi year commitment to rent your house. It won't be a standard tenancy that you can just give notice on, think very carefully and get advice before going down that route. If they house someone in your house and then can't find anywhere to move them to when you come back, you may find it very difficult to regain possession. This is also true for a standard tenancy.

Do what’s right for you. When I was your child’s age, my parents moved me to the UK from a country 5,500miles away. Children will learn and adapt. Keep yourself sane.

Some unbelievably judgemental comments here. Do what you need to do OP - you’ve exhausted all options. Your kids will adapt, christ knows so many other kids have gone through worse and come through the other side . They will be at their happiest when their mum is, and it sounds as though this move will help with that.

I would just like to to say that I’m
in awe of any single parent, but particularly one who is juggling as much as you are, and skint to boot. I think that knowing to prioritise your mental and physical health and trying to find a way to enjoy the family you’ve created is also impressive. I hope that the next year goes really smoothly for you all, and that it pays off in the end.

huge kudos to you. 💐

This is really tough, OP. I would focus on the logistics right now, which sound like they're making you very stressed and unhappy, so presumably having an effect on the kids - tell them what won't have to happen (stressful mornings, you getting home late, etc} and maybe offer to make plans for what to do with the extra time together. Obviously don't commit to anything you can't guarantee will actually happen. If it's only for a year and an hour away can they see friends at weekends or meet up somewhere midway still?

Just move. They don't have to like it. They're the kids, you're the adult. At that age we got moved to the other side see e of the world. It was fine.

9 year olds are forming friendships ready for sec school. This dc is possibly y5 now. Or maybe y4. So it is disruptive to move twice especially if y5. Of course they will have to go but I don’t see it as a great decision. None of it seems thought out.

@TheAlchemistElixa thank you, that's cheered me up. It's not easy and of course I kick myself sometimes.