Partner not waking me up

[Roadtrippingroundgreece]

I struggle to wake up in the mornings. It's partly genetic, I naturally need more sleep than average. I also suffer with disturbed sleep due to sleepwalking and nightmares, struggle to fall asleep, and I have bad tinnitus and hearing loss in one ear so can sleep through alarms.

My partner is the complete opposite falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, sleeps straight through, snores (which also wakes me up), and doesn't find it hard to get up in the morning. Before I met him, he did have a tendency to stay awake even when very tired, and I have encouraged him to go to sleep so that he is rested.

My issue is that there have been a few occasions when I am not awake when I need to be..e.g for work and my partner has let me carry on sleeping “because I look cute” even though we actively discuss the times we both need to be up the night before and set alarms. I don’t expect him to wake up first if he is asleep, but if he is actively awake I have asked him to please wake me if he is awake and not let me carry on sleeping, but he doesn't listen. Today I had a gym class, he was going for a run, we discussed timing and he set his phone alarm (rather than the Alexa which is loud and wakes us both up). Fast forward to this morning, to him waking me up 30 minutes before my gym class where he is showered and left me sleeping again “because I look cute”. He then has toast and coffee and goes on his run (which has been pushed back) and I have missed the gym class. AIBU to be really annoyed? I know that I am an adult and should wake up but it's something I really struggle with, it just honestly seems a bit selfish that he would have plenty of time to get himself ready, eat breakfast etc. and then wake me up 30 minutes before I need to be there because “he finds it hard to wake me up”.

I will caveat by saying that I have a very good, flexible job and I work hard. In my younger days and during education it was a real struggle, but I am not lazy. I also manage all the household finances which is a burden but I am better in that area, I have good savings, am tidy and generally organise our life so I feel like a little bit of support in this area would be appreciated. AIBU???

What time did your alarm go off? If that doesn’t wake you have you tried a voice one? The only thing that wakes my husband is either the kids or someone saying his name, so his alarm is a recording of me saying his name.

You're an adult. You need to take responsibility for getting yourself up. Set Alexa yourself rather than complaining that he didn't set Alexa and used his phone instead.

Why didn’t you set the Alexa?

If you have discussed it and explained why he needs to wake you, you can safely conclude that he is sabotaging you deliberately. In your position I would question the whole relationship and would try to figure out why he is doing that.

He sounds like a nightmare. I couldn't be with someone who called me cute.

Why can't you set an alarm? To be honest it must be annoying to be the only one to set an alarm, then be blamed by the other person because they didn't wake!

How do you manage if he's away from home

You are being very unreasonable.

It's your responsibility to get yourself up. Nobody else's.

He is also being unreasonable by not just saying "no, you get yourself up" though.

I didn't set the Alexa because he told me he was setting his phone alarm, and we discussed that we both wanted to get up at 8:30 am to get up. I am annoyed with myself, but also surely if you have had a discussion you would wake your partner up? I know that I would and do wake him up sometimes if he needs it.

I think you need to be responsible for yourself and find ways that make sure you don’t sleep through.
Yes it’s annoying that he doesn’t wake you, but you’re an adult and need to sort this for yourself.

You’re mostly unreasonable - wholly down to you to set your own alarm and to try different ones until you get one that works for you.

But he’s unreasonable not to wake you because “you look cute”. That’s weirdly infantilising and odd. He wouldn’t be unreasonable not to wake you because it’s hugely annoying to be forever having to take responsibility for someone else getting up on time.

Are you sleeping through your alarms?

If you are actively sleeping through your alarms and they are beeping but you are not waking up I think he is unreasonable to not be waking you up.

If you are just not setting alarms, or you are consciously snoozing them then I think you are unreasonable to expect him to be mollycoddling you out of bed every day.

Set the Alexa yourself. Take accountability for yourself. That's it.

Ok

Would a smart watch which vibrates on your wrist work better than an audible alarm?

It's a shame he didn't wake you if you'd already talked about timings but I think you need a reliable way to be able to wake up for the time you want without relying on him.

Have you tried a wristband alarm? They don't make a noise, but they vibrate and flash a bright light instead - I've slept through many a phone alarm but these wake me up

Hey OP, you really need some medical help by the sounds of it.

In an ideal world you would be able to get yourself up without help. If you can’t do that, you really need to push for a referral to a sleep clinic.

I had sleep problems for years and DH always woke me up because he didn’t mind doing it. But you do need to be able to get yourself up.

Keep a sleep diary and take it to your GP. And look into vibrating alarms.

Also why are you leaving it to your partner to set the Alexa and not doing it yourself if that’s what you need?

I genuinely sleep through them as I don’t hear them if they are not loud enough. I have a specific alarm that I set on my phone and an Alexa for work, but sometimes different alarms are set. @Talipesmum you have hit the nail on the head, I do not expect him to wake me if he is asleep, but if we have had an active discussion about the time to wake up, and he is leaving me to sleep “because I look cute ” I end up feeling so annoyed.

I do a lot for the relationship and support him in other ways, I would love to be a morning person, it is something I have always struggled with and I HATE it, so just wish he could support me in this way.

I understand waking a child, but you're a fully grown adult. It's not his responsibility to wake you up . Sort it out yourself. How would you manage without him there

Always set your own alarm. You can't rely on others to wake you, not ever. Just don't ask them to wake you in the first place.

They may or may not wake you or remember to wake you as is your experience here.

Well just in future set an alarm? It doesn't need to happen again!

Alexa set the alarm for 7.30 and set volume to maximum, sorted in five seconds!

How do you genetically need more sleep than others? Which genetic condition do you have? I didn’t realise any chromosomes actually set the length of sleep we each need and this can be inherited.

You’re an adult. Set your own alarm.

If you need more sleep than average maybe you should take it while you can. How far away is the gym? 30 mins is still a considerable amount of time

Just buy a loud alarm clock.