Partner not waking me up

[Roadtrippingroundgreece]

I struggle to wake up in the mornings. It's partly genetic, I naturally need more sleep than average. I also suffer with disturbed sleep due to sleepwalking and nightmares, struggle to fall asleep, and I have bad tinnitus and hearing loss in one ear so can sleep through alarms.

My partner is the complete opposite falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, sleeps straight through, snores (which also wakes me up), and doesn't find it hard to get up in the morning. Before I met him, he did have a tendency to stay awake even when very tired, and I have encouraged him to go to sleep so that he is rested.

My issue is that there have been a few occasions when I am not awake when I need to be..e.g for work and my partner has let me carry on sleeping “because I look cute” even though we actively discuss the times we both need to be up the night before and set alarms. I don’t expect him to wake up first if he is asleep, but if he is actively awake I have asked him to please wake me if he is awake and not let me carry on sleeping, but he doesn't listen. Today I had a gym class, he was going for a run, we discussed timing and he set his phone alarm (rather than the Alexa which is loud and wakes us both up). Fast forward to this morning, to him waking me up 30 minutes before my gym class where he is showered and left me sleeping again “because I look cute”. He then has toast and coffee and goes on his run (which has been pushed back) and I have missed the gym class. AIBU to be really annoyed? I know that I am an adult and should wake up but it's something I really struggle with, it just honestly seems a bit selfish that he would have plenty of time to get himself ready, eat breakfast etc. and then wake me up 30 minutes before I need to be there because “he finds it hard to wake me up”.

I will caveat by saying that I have a very good, flexible job and I work hard. In my younger days and during education it was a real struggle, but I am not lazy. I also manage all the household finances which is a burden but I am better in that area, I have good savings, am tidy and generally organise our life so I feel like a little bit of support in this area would be appreciated. AIBU???

Yes, if only YOU had set the Alexa alarm for yourself.

You are punishing him for not treating you like the Princess and the Pea.

You know Alexa wakes you up.
You know he has a tendancy to leave you.
So take that out of the equation and use Alexa.

@fieldsofbutterflies probably it would go differently, but maybe not…who knows!

What I'm trying to convey is that we both have a role in the partnership, I'm not lazy as some people have suggested. I'm not stating his role is to wake me up, just asking whether I'm being unreasonable to be annoyed that he didn't when we had agreed a time we both want to get up.

Honestly there are so many bigger problems in the world, I do feel silly asking about this but it is genuinely the bane of my life and wanted to get other’s views!

@pensione I think if I'm a princess it's definitely sleeping beauty according to him 😅

YANBU

Some of the responses on this thread have been harsh and missed the point of the thread.

I just wanted to say that you do not have to have children with this man. There are clearly issues. It's ok to realise and admit when a relationship is no longer working, then finding someone who is compatible for you.

Yes I do think your asking him for help, and his failing to give it, are communicative strategies. I wonder if your asking him for help is a covert way of trying to get him to contribute more? Or making him feel “needed” more? Both might be a sub/unconscious way of redressing the financial imbalance of your relationship. And he might be “forgetting” or refusing to wake you as an unconscious protest at being required to support you, or as unconscious punishment for out earning him.

I would not be too quick to assume that children and their demands will be easily folded into your household because it seems you are already struggling with some inequity in the system.

Then you ignore this from now on. He's not reliable for waking you up.

Or record him snoring and use that as your alarm.

What I'm trying to convey is that we both have a role in the partnership, I'm not lazy as some people have suggested. I'm not stating his role is to wake me up, just asking whether I'm being unreasonable to be annoyed that he didn't when we had agreed a time we both want to get up.

I guess you need to communicate what "wake me up" actually means.

Does it just mean setting an alarm?
Does it mean shaking you awake?
Does it mean physically making sure you get out of bed and don't roll over and go back to sleep?
Does it mean coming back and checking you've got up on time?

Because from his view, you both agreed to get up at a certain time and he then set them alarm to make sure you got up. Have you explicitly asked him to physically shake you awake every time?

DH sometimes has days off when I'm working and will ask me what time I'm getting up - I'll say my alarm's set for half seven, and he might say "I'll get up with you so I can do X". But it wouldn't occur to me that I had to shake him awake or make sure he got up on time unless he actually spelt it out, iyswim.

If he then didn't get up, I'd just assume he'd changed his mind and fancied a lie in. I wouldn't go and check on him again.

YANBU. This isn't about taking responsibility or growing up. There's a ridiculous attempt to call any women who expects reciprocity or basic manners in a relationship a needy princess.

I think it’s extremely important you go to your GP ASAP if you think there’s a possibility you have sleep apnoea. CPAP has made a huge difference to my Dad’s energy levels.
One thing I haven’t seen suggested that helps me is a sunrise alarm clock. It gradually gets lighter over 30 minutes with the option of a (very loud) alarm at the 30 minute mark. I have ADHD/Autism and I struggle to get to sleep and to wake up and this has helped me massively.

I suspect many people don't see "waking your partner up" as reciprocity or basic manners, though. They see it as something they do to small children.

I've read so many threads on here about how secondary age children should be capable of getting themselves up and out of the door without relying on a parent to do it for them, so I suspect the "take responsibility for yourself" comments are just an extension of that.

DH and I do split chores based on our strengths but just like I wouldn't remind him to brush his teeth, I also wouldn't feel it's necessary to make sure he's up on time either.

You’re not being unreasonable AT ALL! Have people read the same post as me?

yes, obviously you’re an adult who should take responsibility for your own get up - you’ve well and truly leant that lesson here - but that’s a red herring.

The issue is - your partner KNOWS you struggle in this area. He knows this upsets you. He has AGREED to wake you up. And then he has not done it. And you have spoken to him about this previously!

It’s thoughtless at best and a blatant disregard for your wishes, and done with an intent to mess up your plans at worst. I would be really angry at this too, and would be spelling out to him how it makes you feel. I’d honestly feel sort of low level betrayed by this, as he’s agreed to one thing and changed his mind when you’re sleeping, and helpless, and he’s broken your trust. This could be something easily fixed by a conversation and making sure you don’t trust him again and always take responsibility for setting a loud alarm, but it really doesn’t sit well with me that he’s done this

I envy all these superior morning people, who need an average or below average amount of sleep, and who wake up easily. Is it so hard to imagine that some people have real problems sleeping and waking up? That they might need more sleep?
Also, being a morning person is equated with diligence and productivity. It might have been the case back when most of us farmed, but it's not any longer. Having problems getting up does not equate to being lazy!

I hear you, @Roadtrippingroundgreece . I probably need an average amount of sleep, but at different times of my life have had sleeping issues, which made me really tired in the morning and resulted in difficulty waking. I've never been a morning person; I can now function in the morning, but I'm not chipper and social (just like my father). When I was younger, I had difficulty waking up and hearing alarms. While I no longer have this issue - I somehow " grew out of it" at 25 or so - I understand how tough it is for both the affected person and people who live with them.

I think you need to speak to your partner and get to the root of his reaction. Yes, it would bother me if I heard this excuse.

@ReadingSoManyThreads @NeurodivergentBurnout @Thelnebriati @pikkumyy77 thank you, honestly it makes me feel slightly tearful to actually be heard 💐 I think if I'm honest there are some issues in the relationship, we do get on very well, emotionally he is supportive, but I do think I carry a burden where I feel I carry the relationship in many elements. I know he knows this and struggles with this. This is not just my experience with him either, I am helping a family member through a really difficult time at the moment, this week was the seven year anniversary of a death of a very significant person in my life, I also attended a funeral. I am tired and I need support too, and I was really looking forward to my class as I haven't been able to go this week.

@NeurodivergentBurnout i am being assessed for adhd. Sleep has always been an issues as has time keeping! Autism does run in my family, but I don’t think I have that! I suspect my sibling might, but don’t want to armchair diagnose. I will go to the doctor again. 💐

My guess is that your DH likes having the facilities to himself and some alone time prior to his run. Otherwise why wouldn't you wake your partner as you wake if you're both planning to gett up at the same time?

@incognito50me @misskatamari thank you for your points and for understanding 💐I am so torn between feeling annoyed with him, ashamed of myself for not being able to do a basic task. It is something I really struggle with. I think I need to try not to spiral and think about things pragmatically…thank god it's the weekend!

@mightydolphin that too! He used the bathroom and then woke me up, but also I wouldn't have showered before the gym anyway so not too much of an issue!

You’re responsible for setting your own alarms, you say the Alexa alarm wakes you up so you have to make sure you set it.

An old-fashioned, mechanical alarm clock is much louder than anything electronic. They are still available here and there. It’s best to put it on the other side of the room, so you can’t turn it off while still half asleep.

But that isn't what's happening here is it?

She isn't asking to be woken up 'every day'.

It's occasionally and he agrees to do it.

My DH doesn’t set the alarm and it’s fricking annoying. He does hybrid wfh/ooo and it’s annoying having to remember if I should wake him up or not.

To be fair, he never expects me to wake him up. But it’s deeply unattractive and I do resent him for it.

You can get alarms with a vibration pad that goes on your bed etc. I’m hearing impaired and use one. Never slept through an alarm since.

But she could just set the Alexa alarm.

I never trust anyone to set an alarm for me, not even the hotel wake up service.

The fact that OP wants to rely on him rather than an actual alarm shows she has some deep seated issues and needs to address them independently of any other problems in her relationship. This is not the hill to die on.

Bravo

Its your responsibility to deal with this issue. Set an alarm.