Partner not waking me up

[Roadtrippingroundgreece]

I struggle to wake up in the mornings. It's partly genetic, I naturally need more sleep than average. I also suffer with disturbed sleep due to sleepwalking and nightmares, struggle to fall asleep, and I have bad tinnitus and hearing loss in one ear so can sleep through alarms.

My partner is the complete opposite falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, sleeps straight through, snores (which also wakes me up), and doesn't find it hard to get up in the morning. Before I met him, he did have a tendency to stay awake even when very tired, and I have encouraged him to go to sleep so that he is rested.

My issue is that there have been a few occasions when I am not awake when I need to be..e.g for work and my partner has let me carry on sleeping “because I look cute” even though we actively discuss the times we both need to be up the night before and set alarms. I don’t expect him to wake up first if he is asleep, but if he is actively awake I have asked him to please wake me if he is awake and not let me carry on sleeping, but he doesn't listen. Today I had a gym class, he was going for a run, we discussed timing and he set his phone alarm (rather than the Alexa which is loud and wakes us both up). Fast forward to this morning, to him waking me up 30 minutes before my gym class where he is showered and left me sleeping again “because I look cute”. He then has toast and coffee and goes on his run (which has been pushed back) and I have missed the gym class. AIBU to be really annoyed? I know that I am an adult and should wake up but it's something I really struggle with, it just honestly seems a bit selfish that he would have plenty of time to get himself ready, eat breakfast etc. and then wake me up 30 minutes before I need to be there because “he finds it hard to wake me up”.

I will caveat by saying that I have a very good, flexible job and I work hard. In my younger days and during education it was a real struggle, but I am not lazy. I also manage all the household finances which is a burden but I am better in that area, I have good savings, am tidy and generally organise our life so I feel like a little bit of support in this area would be appreciated. AIBU???

I think you need to tell him that, then.

Maybe he feels like he can't say no.

I know he agreed to wake you, or at least didn't say he wouldn't, but it seems like for whatever reason he isn't comfortable doing this. If he's good in other ways I would just make sure you have your own alarm set. Agree the vibrating wristbands are good for this, especially if you have a hearing issue. I would also talk to the GP about your sleep issues. If you have any signs of sleep apnea this can be very dangerous for your health so get it checked out, plus you might be able to get referred for some help with the tinnitus. I know this can't be cured but I believe there may be some things they can do to help.

It's a bit crap that you can not rely in him to do what he promised.

But he relies on you to say pay bills.

Yes he should say "i don't want to do that" if he doesn't want to. Not agree then let you down.

You are a partnership!

@MaMisledit helps to hear people are in the same boat. I think unless people have experienced it, they don’t understand what it is like, and yes the constant shaming that you are lazy etc. Fear of losing a job, being late for school etc. I would honestly swap it in a heartbeat to be someone who can easily wake up. Luckily I am someone who can apply myself and have learnt to perform under pressure but it's hard!

And yes, now the day is lost, he would like to do something now but I am going to go to the gym as planned….better late than ever but it’s really thrown my whole day off, plus we could have both exercised and then spent the day together.

How many hours of sleep do you need op?

Get that ND assessment done, hon. I bet you find it has a LOT to do with your sleeping/waking difficulties. As a bonus, I believe ND is usually genetic in origin so you'd be at least partly right on that.

On a separate note, I worked for a charity for deaf people that had a range of products to help them wake up when hearing an alarm was difficult or impossible. Might be worth researching those - I see you've had some suggestions on the thread already.

I'm not a 'morning person' but I do sleep very little and am always up early.
It would absolutely boil my piss having to wake another adult up all the time, although I know it would annoy me so I would never agree to do it in the first place.

@NeedtostopusingMNsomuch I completely hear you but our situation is very very different to yours. We don’t have children, and I'm not leaving him to parent, I support him a lot and there are parts of our relationship that I handle completely, I also earn significantly more, as in tens of thousands more so there is a financial burden on me that he doesn't have.
I also know very well in the future that when we do parent there will be a big chunk of responsibility on me due to the nature of his job etc. But we have already discussed that he will probably be better at mornings or late nights.

Husband is completely deaf when he takes his hearing aids off at night but has a wristband alarm which gets him up no problem. You need to take responsibility former yourself 😉

@Anniegetyourgun it is happening this month, after many years of waiting! I am going to look into the the vibrating alarm, my hearing issues might sound like excuses but I had an operation as a young child, and will potentially need another operation this year.

I would honestly say about ten hours a night to easily wake up! I have always been like that. I don’t get ten!

@ZsaZsaTheCat i hadn't even known thay was a possibility until this thread, I think it could work really well for me so going to make getting one a priority!

Your argument that you have a higher earning job and so that means your partner should have to wake you up in the mornings is possibly one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen on mumsnet🤣 use your huge salary to buy yourself a few alarm clocks and leave him alone good grief

@Mrsttcno1 my point is that we each take responsibility for different areas of the relationship, I take responsibility for our finances. The poster had said her husband was a man-child, I am just pointing out that I have other areas of life where I can perform. Getting up in the morning is not one of them.

So he should wake you up like some kind of employee? Seriously. Sort yourself out. He's told you it's because you're cute because he doesn't want to say NO you're a grown ass woman sort yourself out.

What and his responsibility is making sure you're awake???

OK! Clearly struck a nerve with the salary point, I was using it to point out that I'm not a lazy bum who misses work the whole time and expects my partner to parent me! I am asking for support in one area of life and not getting it. Taking on board we are both unreasonable and will be getting a vibrating alarm and also asking him to stop saying I am “cute”!

Some of these ideas are useful for ideas to suggest to my ds. His phone alarm wakes m and his dad up in a, different but not him. If he does "wake" he turns it off and goes back to sleep.

I absolutely hate waking people up, it's just one of those things that gives me anxiety and in a relationship it would totally give me the ick. If I were you I'd set the Alexa alarm that wakes you up a few minutes after his phone alarm had gone off. That would give him a chance to wake you and if he failed you'd have a backup

It's very clear on the thread that there are many people who struggle with the same thing! I did not know that there were so many different alarms.

Thank you to all who have been supportive and understood where I am coming from and made good suggestions. I expected a huge pile on but have definitely felt supported. Obviously this is one part of our relationship, I'm sure a good therapist could pick apart the rest, but I do think it goes a bit deeper than just “me not getting up and him not waking me” and there is also an element of resentment about supporting each other/ not supporting each other. A lot of food for thought but I am now off to the gym 😂

Apologies sorry I sounded like a right moody cow just then. Bear with a sore head after broken sleep, another early morning and lie-in for partner!! He’s a higher earner, I’m a SAHM, and once the children come along yes it was useful for a bit that he’s a night owl but after the newborn days, sleep and lie-ins become a currency that’s traded / spent / shared etc regardless of salary when you’re both as exhausted as each other from parenting or working (we do not want to open the ‘who’s more tired’ debate can of worms on Mumsnet today!)

Get a Fitbit, it buzzes on your arm to wake you, you don’t hear it.

I’m sure that man-child also has areas of life where they can perform, that doesn’t make them needing woken up by their partner okay though :s

Taking responsibility for certain aspects of a relationship is one thing, you’re asking him to take responsibility for… you waking up?

As I said, since you earn so much more than him you can buy yourself a few lovely loud alarms

I think there's a difference between taking responsibility for different areas in a relationship, and having one adult be responsible for basic tasks like waking up in the morning.

If someone posted that their husband expected to be woken up everyday, I think the thread would go very differently.

Today I had a gym class, he was going for a run, we discussed timing and he set his phone alarm (rather than the Alexa which is loud and wakes us both up).

You are being so unreasonable it’s unreal.

You’re an adult and need to take responsibility for yourself and walking yourself up.

If there are ‘partnership’ concerns address them separately but grow up and set your own alarm.

@NeedtostopusingMNsomuch please don't apologise, I completely understand where you are coming from, I am under no illusion that working is a walk in the park compared to parenting and it must be so frustrating to parent while he lies in bed. You’ve also hit the nail on the head with the trading/currency.

I love children, I am good with them, I have god children and nieces and nephews, but genuinely it is a worry for me as to whether I would cope with the sleep element and take my hat off to every parent who is doing that. I'm just about managing to keep it together without having them!