Partner not waking me up

[Roadtrippingroundgreece]

I struggle to wake up in the mornings. It's partly genetic, I naturally need more sleep than average. I also suffer with disturbed sleep due to sleepwalking and nightmares, struggle to fall asleep, and I have bad tinnitus and hearing loss in one ear so can sleep through alarms.

My partner is the complete opposite falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, sleeps straight through, snores (which also wakes me up), and doesn't find it hard to get up in the morning. Before I met him, he did have a tendency to stay awake even when very tired, and I have encouraged him to go to sleep so that he is rested.

My issue is that there have been a few occasions when I am not awake when I need to be..e.g for work and my partner has let me carry on sleeping “because I look cute” even though we actively discuss the times we both need to be up the night before and set alarms. I don’t expect him to wake up first if he is asleep, but if he is actively awake I have asked him to please wake me if he is awake and not let me carry on sleeping, but he doesn't listen. Today I had a gym class, he was going for a run, we discussed timing and he set his phone alarm (rather than the Alexa which is loud and wakes us both up). Fast forward to this morning, to him waking me up 30 minutes before my gym class where he is showered and left me sleeping again “because I look cute”. He then has toast and coffee and goes on his run (which has been pushed back) and I have missed the gym class. AIBU to be really annoyed? I know that I am an adult and should wake up but it's something I really struggle with, it just honestly seems a bit selfish that he would have plenty of time to get himself ready, eat breakfast etc. and then wake me up 30 minutes before I need to be there because “he finds it hard to wake me up”.

I will caveat by saying that I have a very good, flexible job and I work hard. In my younger days and during education it was a real struggle, but I am not lazy. I also manage all the household finances which is a burden but I am better in that area, I have good savings, am tidy and generally organise our life so I feel like a little bit of support in this area would be appreciated. AIBU???

My DM is like this, someone else has to wake her up and then she gets stroppy when she is woken up by someone (not saying that's you). Honestly, even as a child I got sick and tired of having to wake her up.

Set the Alexa yourself and don't rely on him to wake you up.

@YellowPolkaDotBikini1980 the vibrating floor alarm sounds like a win!

I am not at all overweight, and exercise regularly so that’s not an issue. But I do wonder if I have some form of sleep apnea as sometimes I do wake up gasping for breath. Thanks for the supportive posts, they are really appreciated and clearly it is something I need to take seriously. I think as I've always struggled through and do make it to work, I've kind of just accepted it!

I understand. My brother has had a problem all his life. I actually think his circadian clock/rhythm is longer than 24 hours.

I think you need to accept you can’t trust your partner to wake you up.

work out what you can do to solve this problem, and action it straight away. Even if it means having the loudest alarm clock in the world that you put at the other end of the bed.

I think your partner is at fault for not waking you, especially when you have agreed beforehand. However he has proved unreliable, so you are on your own here.

If I was you, I’d like to find out the real reason he can’t seem to ‘remember’ to do it.

Perhaps it’s passive/aggressive? He doesn’t really want to be responsible for you getting up. (It was a real drag to have to wake my brother up, and he needed yelling/waking up multiple times in the morning).

Or he is a bit time blind? And just doesn’t realise the time when he’s getting himself ready. And rather than admitting his error, just says you look cute.

Or it may be sabotage as suggested. This would make me look carefully at other aspects of my relationship to see if there was a bit of a theme developing.

I only say this as someone who was married for a long time to a ‘forgetful and disorganised’ husband. It turned out that he just couldn’t be bothered.

@WarshipRocinante You are being deliberately obtuse. Genetic doesn't mean based on a specific gene, and it is very clear from numerous studies that there's a variation in how much sleep people need and when is the best time to sleep for them. The most cursory reading of even the NHS guidance on sleep could tell you that, and it is easily supported by looking into many many studies into sleep.

OP, I think it's mean of your DP but you'll have to work around it.

I think the alarm is a red herring.
You both discussed and agreed he would wake you up, and he didn’t. Because you looked cute. That is weird.

Set your own alarm and take responsibility for yourself

Practically speaking, you need to get yourself a vibrating alarm so that you can get yourself up on time in the mornings.

I personally don't think it's fair to expect your DH to be responsible for waking you up everyday. You know you sleep through alarms and struggle in the mornings, so it's your responsibility to find a technique that gets you up without you needing to rely on someone else. He won't always be there as your back-up.

My DH struggles in the morning and while I'm happy to give him a nudge if I notice the time, I wouldn't want to have to spend my morning clock-watching just so I could go and wake up another adult. It would quickly get tiring and I'd feel a bit like they were taking the piss, I think.

Honestly, the photo one is the one which worked for me when I had to get up in the cold dark.

A lot of people who 'sleep through alarms' actuallywake up turn it off, then cuddle back to sleep.

The photo one means that when the alarm stops buzzing, you're not in the bed. You're in the bathroom. If you're really serious, you can jump in the shower.

Yes he is a dick particularly if it makes you late for work,

I will remind partner that he wanted to get up for x and then either he says gah and gets up. Or says nah give me until 9.

Not sure I have had it when he doesn't stir when I speak to him though.

I knew the voting would go against you on MN because everyone would say you're responsible etc, but actually a relationship is a partnership and if you request help waking up I do think he should be doing it.

My husband is a total night owl, but even with enough sleep he really struggles with getting up. Apparently he has his whole life, whereas I'm usually awake and up by 4 or 5 am. So I often help wake him - I mean I'm awake anyway so it's no effort on my part. Why wouldn't I wake him?

You're in a reverse situation and for the life of me I can't understand why your partner isn't waking you.

@Imgoingtobefree so much food for thought, thank you, it just seems like such a shit reason 💐

@Everydayimhuffling thanks for having my back! I didn't mean a specific gene but I thought it was well-known that genetics influence the amount of sleep you need.

@YellowDaffodilRedTulip thank you 💐i do wonder this too, I know it could be annoying for him but like I said I take responsibility for stuff too that could be considered a burden. This is probably the one area where I do need his support…in fact he would consider me very “independent” and not needing him at all in some areas.

How is it on him to wake the OP up? They need to take some responsibility ffs

Because they discussed it the night before and she asked him to wake her. It was agreed. If my dh asked me to do something simple to help him, of course I would do it.

@splashofcolour you have hit the nail on the had with the “partnership” element. That's what really gets me.

Also, can I just say, he doesn't wake me every day, I can and do get up but it is a struggle and luckily I can work flexibly which helps massively. I just wish he wouldn't leave me soundly sleeping when he knows I want to get up.

We also work very different shifts, ideally I would be in bed asleep at 10 but because of his job, I am often awake later as he gets in late. Ironically, I really struggle to sleep if he is not in the bed 🤣 clearly I have issues. God damm those genes.

How is your relationship in general? Is this a form of control? How does he feel about you going to gym, keeping fit.

But that doesn't say they need more sleep than others, which was your claim. That says when they sleep is affected which nobody denies.

It does sound like he could be engaging in some passive aggressive behaviour here by not waking you. I am your fb in this scenario and I wouldn’t leave someone sleeping if I knew they had to get up. Yes of course it is your responsibility to get yourself up but it is also suggesting you can’t necessarily rely on him.

I just wish he wouldn't leave me soundly sleeping when he knows I want to get up.

From your posts, it sounds like he would be required to do much more than just shake or nudge you awake - especially as you say yourself you find it really hard to get up.

I guess I'm wondering what you feel his responsibilities are - does he heed to wake you up and make sure you actually get out of bed, for example? What should he do if you roll over and go back to sleep, or won't wake up when he shakes you?

I think it's ok that you ask for help on this one, but I also wonder like PPs if the "looking cute" is a white lie. Say he meant to give you another 10 mins because you didn't need to get up as early as he woke, but then he wandered off somewhere, got on with other things and forgot to come back.

If he were deliberately sabotaging that's an issue, but don't leap to that conclusion.

And yes, sorting your own alarm is the way forward.

Boggling a bit at the pushback you've had on needing more sleep. It's pretty much sleep 101 on the NHS website that everyone needs different amounts of sleep, with 7-9 hours being average. Of course getting up is trickier for some than others.

dh not fb

@YourSnugHazelTraybake ok. I really didn't come here to discuss the genetics of sleeping, it's something I believe influences it, but regardless, I need more sleep than would be considered normal. And I definitely need more sleep than my partner. It affects me. That's all.

Most people need about eight hours of sleep, but this varies based in part on individual genetics. The amount of sleep a person needs—as well as his or her preference for waking early or staying up late—varies from individual to individual.
sleep.hms.harvard.edu › slee...
Genetics, Aging and Sleep: Genetics of Sleep - Division of Sleep Medicine - Harvard University

im guessing from this quick Google that yes genes do influence how much sleep you need. Harvard isn’t a quack uni.

If you know enough about genetics and sleep etc, you’d think you know how to set your own alarm to ensure you’re awake for the time you want to be awake for ?

I bet this is it. If you can get yourself up when he isn't around, then you're unreasonable.

Also it's not as simple as "he knows I want to get up". Yes, but also he knows you need your sleep. It's pretty human, I think, not to wake someone you love earlier than you have to. Especially if they need a lot of sleep.