Partner not waking me up

[Roadtrippingroundgreece]

I struggle to wake up in the mornings. It's partly genetic, I naturally need more sleep than average. I also suffer with disturbed sleep due to sleepwalking and nightmares, struggle to fall asleep, and I have bad tinnitus and hearing loss in one ear so can sleep through alarms.

My partner is the complete opposite falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, sleeps straight through, snores (which also wakes me up), and doesn't find it hard to get up in the morning. Before I met him, he did have a tendency to stay awake even when very tired, and I have encouraged him to go to sleep so that he is rested.

My issue is that there have been a few occasions when I am not awake when I need to be..e.g for work and my partner has let me carry on sleeping “because I look cute” even though we actively discuss the times we both need to be up the night before and set alarms. I don’t expect him to wake up first if he is asleep, but if he is actively awake I have asked him to please wake me if he is awake and not let me carry on sleeping, but he doesn't listen. Today I had a gym class, he was going for a run, we discussed timing and he set his phone alarm (rather than the Alexa which is loud and wakes us both up). Fast forward to this morning, to him waking me up 30 minutes before my gym class where he is showered and left me sleeping again “because I look cute”. He then has toast and coffee and goes on his run (which has been pushed back) and I have missed the gym class. AIBU to be really annoyed? I know that I am an adult and should wake up but it's something I really struggle with, it just honestly seems a bit selfish that he would have plenty of time to get himself ready, eat breakfast etc. and then wake me up 30 minutes before I need to be there because “he finds it hard to wake me up”.

I will caveat by saying that I have a very good, flexible job and I work hard. In my younger days and during education it was a real struggle, but I am not lazy. I also manage all the household finances which is a burden but I am better in that area, I have good savings, am tidy and generally organise our life so I feel like a little bit of support in this area would be appreciated. AIBU???

my take on what the issue is from the op isn’t about lack of alarm it’s that they agreed he would set his alarm to wake them up, which means he hears it then wakes her, which meant he knew that they had agreed for him to be responsible to wake op and he then decided not to honour that at the time because she looked “cute” which would infuriate me.

To the people saying she 'should' be able to do it herself and it isn't his responsibility... he agreed to wake her but then left her, knowing she wanted to go to the class, despite that agreement.

He 'should' be able to manage the finances just as well as her but because she does it better, she takes on that job while he doesn't.

Because a relationship is a partnership where a good team plays to its strengths.

It feels purposeful and a bit spiteful to leave her sleeping so she misses something when he agreed to wake her up and knew she was looking forward to it.

Im sure OP doesn't let bills go unpaid just because it isn't technically her responsibility to organise payment of them, even though that's the agreement they have. Because in a normal relationship you play to your strengths and also keep to agreements. Especially with something my as simply saying 'oi, Louise you need to get up now' when you're already getting up anyway.

She never asks him to do it unless he will be up already. And doesn't ask him to do it everyday. So the people saying she's unreasonable to expect him to do it are being OTT on that front. It's an occasional favour. In a relationship. How depressing to think nudging a partner awake so they definitely don't miss out on something, when you're awake anyway, is too much to ask.

The reason being given (she looked cute) is really fucking odd, does he have form for infantilising you OP?

No you know that he won't wake you up if he decides you look cute you need to 100% be responsible for waking yourself up, he's not reliable and you are the one losing out.

@purplecorkheart our relationship in general is good. He has no problem with me going to the gym ( I don’t think) I also play sport.

Of course we have ups and downs, but I like to think he wouldn't purposely sabotage me.

A lot of people are saying he agreed to wake her but didn't bother - but I wonder whether he did try and wake her and she didn't stir?

I mean, how much is he expected to do to get her out of bed on time? Just give her a quick shake? Wait until she's physically out of bed?

Part of me thinks "oh, you looked cute" is him not wanting to say he tried to wake her and failed.

*Which gene controls this? I studied biomedical sciences, including genetics, and never heard of this. Granted, I went into a totally different career so only know what I learned during a few years at undergrad. But… some people need more sleep?

No, you can train yourself out of this. It is just being a bit lazy.*

Is this peak mumsnet? “I have a passing familiarity with this topic and I deny that there is any more to know than I knew as an undergrad. Sorted! “

I’d do it now and then - E.g. if I knew my partner had a meeting and had slept in of course I would wake him. I wouldn’t do it as a regular thing because I’d end up resenting it. Even if you struggle to wake, there are so many solutions - what if you lived alone?

This!

It gets really annoying over time. Take some responsibility for yourself and stop blaming him.

Go to bed earlier perhaps. Set multiple alarms. Get a sunrise alarm clock/lamp thing.

Make an effort.

100 percent this.

If I agree to go to the chemist to get my friend's prescription it is "on me" to go to the chemist to get my friend's prescription.

And what's with the Ffs? Ffs.

@whatsitcalledwhen gosh thank you, you have really nailed how I feel. We should play to our strengths and this is a strong point of his where he could help me, but doesn't. I’m not hard to wake up either, literally a shake but saying “I looked to cut” is so fucking shit and yeah I agree, a bit weird. If I'm honest, he does have a bit of form for it which I don't get because I really do A LOT, I am trying my best in life really, to the point where I struggle to ask for help and he has said before that I am very independent and don’t “need” him. But this is something I do need help with and it's kind of used against me.

“Too cute”

I haven't read the full thread but I have a hauwei band like a fit bit and it has an alarm you can set on it and it will vibrate on your wrist. It's brilliant for me to get up and not disturb anyone else.

Would that work for you?

@pikkumyy77 honestly. Made me laugh!

@fieldsofbutterflies he didn't try. He did wake me up eventually of course and I jumped awake, and when I asked the time he looked so sheepish.

Just set the Aleksa anyway

It can also be because your used to other people waking you. We get used to things my husbands alarm never wakes me but I know I have to get up to mine.

I'm so torn here. You say in one post you find it really hard to get up, and then in another that it's not hard to wake you and it just takes a shake.

If that's genuinely the case, then yes, it's not too much to expect that he just gives you a quick shake, but maybe he thinks that he's done his part by setting the alarm and that it's not his fault if you (in his mind) choose to ignore it and carry on dozing.

Speaking from my own experience - I give myself enough time in the mornings to do what I need to do before leaving - if DH asked me to wake him up as well, then I'd give him a quick shout up the stairs, but I wouldn't be hanging around to make sure he was up and about before leaving.

Yeah, I'll say this is true too. I often sleep through DH's alarm but I've never once slept through my own.

My DH is terrible at waking up and it's so frustrating having to wake him like a child. He must have got fed up with it.

@fieldsofbutterfliesif someone shakes me then I will wake up. Obviously, I am asleep so maybe it does take longer than normal, I guess I wouldn't know but it doesn't seem like he's shaking me for ages. I find it hard to hear alarms, and tend to be in a deep sleep in the morning.

I am torn too, I think we are both being a bit unreasonable. I know I'm an adult and should wake up, but I find the “cute” excuse a bit sickening to be honest, and I do think he has a bit of form for being patronising. I think a chat is in order.

@fieldsofbutterfliesI would rather be just say “I hate waking you up get yourself up” if that's how he feels.

I completely get you op, it's the same here. I jyst do not hear alarms....extra load ring tones, Alexa, 2 dogs and 3 cats pawing and licking me....nothing. (Fortunately it wasn't an issue when DC were young). DH will be downstairs eating breakfast, scrolling then he'll be great and put washing on, wash and tidy up etc. He'll bring me up tea after he's had his 2 or 3 hours of quiet time and wake me up but complains about me sleeping in and I've list hours of the day. Both semi retired and he's the only method that wakes me!

But you know what he tends to do so take responsibility and assume he will leave you to sleep and set it yourself. You can't really complain he does this, I know he does this and then not take your own preventive action to ensure you wake yourself

I'd hate to rely on my partner to be woken up.

Vibrating alarm clocks are used by people with hearing loss. They are put under the pillow. RNID sell them

As someone on the other side of this, there is nothing less attractive to me than my late-30’s man-child unable to wake up in the morning for our children or any other reason, or unable to ‘function’ without a coffee being brought up to him or him being able to lie still in silence for 20 mins whilst I parent his children