Partner not waking me up

[Roadtrippingroundgreece]

I struggle to wake up in the mornings. It's partly genetic, I naturally need more sleep than average. I also suffer with disturbed sleep due to sleepwalking and nightmares, struggle to fall asleep, and I have bad tinnitus and hearing loss in one ear so can sleep through alarms.

My partner is the complete opposite falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, sleeps straight through, snores (which also wakes me up), and doesn't find it hard to get up in the morning. Before I met him, he did have a tendency to stay awake even when very tired, and I have encouraged him to go to sleep so that he is rested.

My issue is that there have been a few occasions when I am not awake when I need to be..e.g for work and my partner has let me carry on sleeping “because I look cute” even though we actively discuss the times we both need to be up the night before and set alarms. I don’t expect him to wake up first if he is asleep, but if he is actively awake I have asked him to please wake me if he is awake and not let me carry on sleeping, but he doesn't listen. Today I had a gym class, he was going for a run, we discussed timing and he set his phone alarm (rather than the Alexa which is loud and wakes us both up). Fast forward to this morning, to him waking me up 30 minutes before my gym class where he is showered and left me sleeping again “because I look cute”. He then has toast and coffee and goes on his run (which has been pushed back) and I have missed the gym class. AIBU to be really annoyed? I know that I am an adult and should wake up but it's something I really struggle with, it just honestly seems a bit selfish that he would have plenty of time to get himself ready, eat breakfast etc. and then wake me up 30 minutes before I need to be there because “he finds it hard to wake me up”.

I will caveat by saying that I have a very good, flexible job and I work hard. In my younger days and during education it was a real struggle, but I am not lazy. I also manage all the household finances which is a burden but I am better in that area, I have good savings, am tidy and generally organise our life so I feel like a little bit of support in this area would be appreciated. AIBU???

If he is not there, I set multiple alarms and an Alexa. I think really it's the “not waking me because I look cute” that is doing my head in. How is it cute to watch someone sleeping through an alarm? And also the fact I missed my gym class!

@lemongrizzled you are right. I am just about to have an assessment for neurodivergence, but honestly the list is so long that I keep putting it off!

Get a watch with a vibrating alarm - you can't rely upon him and your hearing stops the normal alarms from working. He's also very unlikely to be able to switch it off before it goes off (also a possibility here - an ex used to do that for some weird reason, most likely because he was a dick who didn't like me leaving the house without him or going to work).

@WarshipRocinante some people need more sleep than others…that is down to your genetics. Some people can stay awake later…again down to genetics. I know it is in part genetic, because one parent and my siblings are the same, my other parent is not. Funnily enough, I grew up with the parent who is a very very early bird!

My watch vibrates as an alarm, maybe something like that will work for you ? Mines a Fitbit .

While it is your responsibility to wake yourself up. I do think him knowing you need to be awake and him just not waking you is a bit crap.

I also think "you looked cute" is bs. My guess is that it is passing him off that he has to wake you and he just doesn't want tot do it and won't own up to it or he gets some sort of pleasure with you missing things. If it happens once, sure. But every time? Nah.

He won't wake you so make sure you put loud alarm on even if he claims yo have the quet alarm and will wake you.

Which gene controls this? I studied biomedical sciences, including genetics, and never heard of this. Granted, I went into a totally different career so only know what I learned during a few years at undergrad. But… some people need more sleep?

No, you can train yourself out of this. It is just being a bit lazy.

Being called cute would annoy me, but you need to wake up yourself. If you find it genetically hard then buy a louder alarm.
What did you do before you met him? Do that.

Yanbu and I would be frustrated by this too.
I also struggle to get up in the mornings and don’t have a partner to wake me up. I use an app called alarmy and it is brilliant. You set a task to do to turn off your alarm that wakes you up. There are a few to choose from. I use one where you have to scan a barcode (I use something in the bathroom) so you have to get up and go and scan the barcode or the alarm gets progressively louder.
You should be able to rely on your partner but since you can’t, find another way xx

He should wake you up in time as that's what you agreed.

YABU purely because you’re an adult. If you want to be up for a certain time then set an alarm yourself to ensure you are.

You know he’s not going to reliably wake you up so you need to set the Alexa regardless of any conversation that you have the night before.

I would guess he forgot and then lied about it.
Can you try a different alarm? A gradual light one and a vibrating one together or something?
Also if you set any alarm then he’ll hear it and come in and wake you?

Get yourself a proper alarm clock with bells and put it just out of arms reach of your bed. I get that it's a bit annoying if he said he'd wake you or make sure you were up but you need to take responsibility

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be upset that you’ve asked your partner to do something, he’s agreed, and then hasn’t done it.
Yes, you should figure out a way of waking up yourself, but most posters are missing the point, here. He didn’t do something he had agreed to do and knew mattered to you.

@WarshipRocinante if you studied genetics and biomedical science then I'm sure I won't win against you!

@nadine90 that sounds great, I will look into it.

The general consensus seems to be that we are both unreasonable. I will have a talk with him later, I did actually say this morning it felt like he was sabotaging me and he said he's not doing it for selfish reasons and seemed quite upset. In the meantime, I will rely on my Alexa! I am also looking into gettins g a smart watch, I just haven't got round to it.

Honestly, anyone who is a morning person, I wish I could be like that! It is the most frustrating thing, and probably something I do carry shame around which is why I end up so annoyed with myself and him.

Honestly I think your partner is probably just sick of it and the "but you looked cute" is a white lie.
I had an ex that expected me to wake him up, and I hated it, I don't want to be responsible for waking someone up. If I had my own alarm set for 8.30, I would get up and switch it off and go about my day, and he would be annoyed that I hadn't left my alarm going off long enough to wake him up... As though it was perfectly reasonable that I would leave my phone by the bed with the alarm going off for an indefinite amount of time rather than taking my phone with me.
I just stopped doing waking him up, I told him he looked too peaceful to wake up. Within a few weeks he was suddenly capable of setting his alarms and waking up.
Time to take responsibility for yourself OP.

Stopped biology at higher but also fascinated by this gene!

You say yourself you're an adult. So why not act like one, why didn't you set the alexa yourself if you know it will help you wake up? What would you do if you lived on your own? Take some responsibility.

Is he using the cute thing as an excuse because your hard to wake? And he finds it off putting even trying as it's like a battle (side eyeing my teen son)

Dying that the early alarm you couldn't wake up with is 8.30am. Hilarious.

This is 100% on you. I am not responsible for another grown adult who wants to sleep all day.

I don't think you're being serious about this issue.

This isn't an issue I have, yet off the top of my head I can think of the following:

1 - A vibrating alarm that goes under your mattress.

2 - A wristband alarm

3 - An alarm where you have to stand on the mat to stop it.

4 - An alarm which is saying your name (a recording of you or someone else) a lot of people find this works.

6 - There's an alarm where you have to take a photo - like of the bathroom tap, for it to stop buzzing/ringing. In the bathroom wash your face with cold water. Now you're fully awake.

1. There are alarms which spray water on your face, which roll away and you have to catch them, I've seen one that is on a tiny drone and you have to catch it. There's even one which tips the mattress. These are a bit extreme. But there is an app (alarmy) which beside the photo thing can ask you to shake it 50 times for it to stop, or do maths.

1. A good old fashioned analogue alarm, metal and loud.

Surely if this is something that has affected your life you would have done a five minute Google and come up with these and more. So why haven't you implemented them?

Even combining two of the options above will guarantee you will never oversleep again.

Many people who can't get up aren't actually getting any sleep. Being woken because they stop breathing. (Sometimes losing weight helps with this). Sometimes there are other issues a doctor needs to address.

Yes, do prioritise going to the doctor. But also, I do think you could be helping yourself more here. Why are you relying on him to set alarms for you?

I sympathise as I’ve been there and it was hard enough even with a partner far more supportive than yours. But you need to help yourself as much as you can.

Are you really going to argue that everyone needs the exact same amount of sleep? A bit off for other poster to call it “lazy”.

Take responsibility for yourself. You're not his child (although the cute thing is ick).

Get a fit bit / Apple Watch whatever with a vibrating alarm

@WarshipRocinante @DoreenonTill8 a quick google…straight from Harvard’s website “Although we often use the term "morning person" in fun, being a morning or night person is influenced by the genetics of how fast or slow our internal clocks tick. Genes influence how fast or slow our internal clock runs and, as a result, how closely it—and our body's functions—align with the 24-hour day.”

I’m not claiming to be a geneticist but it is obvious that people have different responses to waking up, which is down to how their body works, which is down to genes. I also have science A levels and a degree…which might come as a shock!