To comment on my daughter's dress sense

[mids2019]

We have a 14 year old daughter and like all 14 year olds she wishes wishes to experiment with styles of clothing. Lately she has been choosing dresses which are rather short and cleave fairly closely to her figure. (Including a small amount of cleavage) as well as crop tops.

I am conflicted on whether the dress style is appropriate for all occasions, especially when some of her friends share the same dress sense.

Do you think criticising or making girls think about their dress sense and what people's perceptions (rightly or wrongly ) is reasonable or so we leave a fair amount latitude toward teen girls (all girls push boundaries to an extent)

Honestly? If it's weather appropriate just don't say anything. I've got a 13 year old who wears stuff that I'd not choose myself, but then I'm a tubby menopausal woman!
Let your DD express herself through her clothes- I've had to chat with DD about the behaviour of grown men towards her, she was wearing her school uniform at the time.
Surely this age is the perfect time to experiment & find their style?

It's not criticism, its parenting.

Speak to her about what she is wearing and perhaps ask why she has chosen it. Obviously if it is too short to the point people can see her pants then she needs to be told to change her dress!

Don’t say a word. Seriously- say nothing. Tell she looks amazing and is gorgeous - that is all you need to say.

All most of them want to do is fit in with their peers at this age. Don't criticise her.

Say something, in your home not in public though.

You can always use the fact that fast fashion is the second largest cause of climate change, or if it is cheap and nasty clothing, talk to her about sweat shop labour.

I've been through this with my eldest (and still am, she's actually the worst but an adult now) and my daughter the same age as yours. I don't say anything. They always look lovely and I did the same at their age. Best to just leave them to get on with it.

The world is already full of people eager to pass comment on her appearance purely because she's female. Don't add your voice to the ranks.

Different views......

Interestingly she has criticised the school uniform policy on skirt length as here is on the verge of being too short due to growth (new skirt on the way). She feels it is not the place of male teachers to monitor and chastise girls for their dress and wonders about make teachers looking at girls skirt bottoms. I think she has started to think about the issues related to dress as she has grown and talked to peers.

Sounds reasonably dressed to me. What's wrong with crop tops?

What I did was point out that she should absolutely wear what she wants but sadly some horrible males may use her skimpy clothes as a reason to judge her as easy prey and that is because they are arseholes and not her fault, but unfortunately it isn’t a good idea to be out and about alone with skimpy clothes 😢

I'd correct her if it matters for the situation. So if it's a funeral then you wear something appropriate.

I did a panel talk on a stage last week and some do the panel members were 20 somethings and had worn mini skirts so you could see everything! I don't think they had thought through their outfits for sitting down above the height of the audience.

There is the safety issue to consider and we haven't talked about this or how we should frame the discussion of we did have it.

We have had a couple of family meals where her cousins (girls) of similar age have dressed comfortably conservatively (as well as the rest of the family). I think her dresses hatred a bit and would have looked maybe appropriate for a night out on the tiles in 4 years time. I felt like we should be excusing her dress sense but I am quite a sensitive person.

I went to a gig with quite a few teenage girls in attendance and had to walk up the stairs behind a girl with a super short skirt and thong on. I am happy for fashion experimentation but I don’t think bum cheeks on display is particularly attractive, creative or desirable. Mostly girls were in crop tops and baggy cargoes. Now I wouldn’t put crop tops or a bit of cleavage in that same category so I don’t think I’m unreasonable with the amount of flex I would be willing to give. It’s about finding a balance. Who decided that 14 year olds should be able to wear what they want? It certainly wasn’t the case when I was growing up although our fashions were not hoochie in the slightest.

@Alargeoneplease89

A lot of her friends where t them and couk d you argue they bring the gaze to the breast a little?

The only times I have said anything is when skirts & dresses have been so short that underwear or bottoms could be seen if they weren't extremely careful.
I was ignored sometimes but it was my place as a parent to say something.
On anything else though I wouldn't comment at all except to say they looked lovely which 99% of the time they absolutely do!

No bottom on show but one dress close to it! It is the figure cleaving dress styles which in my (maybe pearl clutching mind) make her look very suchlike a woman. Maybe it's a bit of me realising my little girl is approaching adulthood and from a body perspective she is nearly there?

Teenage girls have been doing this in one form or another for hundreds of years. It is not a fight you can win!

Huh OP ‘they bring the gaze to the breast a little?’ You sound weirdly obsessed or like an AI bot. If this is real, then do nothing unless an item of clothing is completely and wildly the wrong size. Otherwise I find that vague indifference works well with teen clothes, along the lines of ‘lovely’ or ‘that’s nice dear’.

Crop tops and cargoes are currently fashionable.

Most 14 year olds are wearing those.

Realistically every teen remembers their mother saying you can't go out in that.

It doesn't actually change their dress sense or make them reconsider much - they want you to fit in with their peers.

You might get further talking about unwanted male attention.

To be honest crop tops have been in for the last few years and even primary school children wearing them, I honestly can't say it brings my eyes to the chest area 😂

I'd push back gently on the male teachers thing.

It's not unreasonable for them (or the female teachers, for that matter!) to be uncomfortable being presented with an eyeful of a child's underwear in their eyeline because their outerwear isn't up to its job. They aren't 'looking'.

Beyond that, there's a perfectly sensible middle ground conversation possible, about sensible dress for the environment and the expected activities, without ever touching into what they look like. There's also a needed chat about the types of attention that might be drawn and whether the child is comfortable with that.

This.

I can’t say I’m a fan of most of dd’s clothing but I always tell her she looks lovely (she does). Any other thoughts are my own opinion and she doesn’t need to hear it. Plus I remember my own dm who never criticised my clothing. Although when I came downstairs with my friends one snowy night in crop top, tiny skirt and heeled boots and friends in very similar get up she did say that surely we were going to put a pair of tights on or take a coat. (We did not).

@Bibbetybobbity

no not a bit but was trying to be polite 🙂. Thanks for the advic e.

My only rule was if you can't touch your toes without showing your undies, you need shorts on too.

To be fair, she still dresses that way at 22. She loves wearing short, skater style dresses so just puts some little shorts under so she doesn't have to worry about it.

I think maybe it's the right dress for the right occasion she needs to think about. She definitely has put on clothes that maybe didn't quite suit the occasion (or weather!).

The attraction of male gaze......well it is going to happen and I think it is unrealistic to expect it not to happen. This where may thoughts come down to age. Is there a 'age appropriate' dress sense say going from 13 to 18?