To comment on my daughter's dress sense

[mids2019]

We have a 14 year old daughter and like all 14 year olds she wishes wishes to experiment with styles of clothing. Lately she has been choosing dresses which are rather short and cleave fairly closely to her figure. (Including a small amount of cleavage) as well as crop tops.

I am conflicted on whether the dress style is appropriate for all occasions, especially when some of her friends share the same dress sense.

Do you think criticising or making girls think about their dress sense and what people's perceptions (rightly or wrongly ) is reasonable or so we leave a fair amount latitude toward teen girls (all girls push boundaries to an extent)

Actually dd then aged 14 attended a family funeral in her version of funeral wear which would have the pro shaming parenting posters huffing. Think tight black dress big glasses and trainers.

Dh widowed aunt was thrilled she was there dd then made lovely conversation with dh elderly relatives made them
laugh and frankly improved the whole post funeral drinks by about 100%. Widow and her sister were adamant that dd takes after them. Aunt wrote to us afterwards to thank us for going and saying how lovely it was to have Dd there. Us shouting at her and making her wear a gathered skirt and pie crust blouse would have been totally wrong.

I have no issues with short skirts/shorts/ crop tops

The point about looking like an adult but emotionally still being a child is an important one.. Yes, it's her body and she should be able to express herself, but equally, it's a parent's duty to point out the dangers. But you also need to pick your battles. DD always dressed sensibly from a covered-up pov but her dyed hair and heavy makeup were her expression and I let her look.... individual, even though to my mother especially it looked awful.

Neither do I insist on clothing I like- but there’s a balance.

DP’s daughter wore a very similar funeral
outfit to that at 11 to my dad’s funeral, no issues, just glad she was there

My teen is currently supporting the grunge/homeless look. From experience, you say anything at all about how they dress and they’re going to ramp up the style even more. Now I just smile and say they look lovely 😁

OP as someone pointed out upthread your descriptions are a bit odd - does your faith or culture require modest dress?

The dangers exist whatever a teenager/pre-teen wears though, so by all means make them aware of what the world is really like (sadly) but don't link that to her choice of clothes.

I know its hard god we struggle with this and I have been “youre not going out like that” but I think it’s damaging. They remember you saying that forever. I regret that I have said that if I’m honest with myself. Dd is kind lovely hard working adored by teachers and other parents who am I to slag off what she chooses to wear? Not a hill to die on.

This. And the fake tan. My DD (15) is a beautiful girl who looks like she’s been tangoed. I say nothing about the outfits as she mostly looks lovely and only sometimes like a roadman’s escort. My DM was quite vocal in her disapproval so I went out looking like a chorister and changed in to what I really wanted to wear that was pre-hidden in the bushes by the garden gate. Is your DD quite busty OP? Mine has a chest like an ironing board so does not fill
out crop tops. And she’s been put off ‘chicken fillet’ bra fillers after one girls slipped out on to the floor at a party (poor girl now known as McNuggets) Some of her friends look much more grown up in them. But they all wear the same. Definitely don’t feel the need to apologise for her dress sense at family gatherings. Neither of you are doing anything wrong.

Some of them are ruddy good at make up though. I know 14yo’s who are far better than me who’s been wearing it for 25 years! I think it’s an art form for many teens these days, it’s something to do to pass the time, rather than an expression of wanting to look better/different

Unless you’re going to church or court, I say leave her be.

Dd got back from a school trip very appreciative comments from the twenty something teachers that dd has taught them about products and contouring 😀

Are you a journalist? This sounds like a discussion on Loose Women?

I don't like the current make up trends at all, however I admire the skill in a lot of it, and if the girls enjoy doing it then so be it. It does worry me that some do it because of peer or societal pressure.

Love that my parents and in laws are unfailing adoring despite the shocking outfits and never comment except positively. My in laws can be annoying but to be fair they are good on this.

True!

It’s an issue as old as time. 🕰️
How about she has clothes that suit the occasion. Conservative for school and family gatherings, her own style with her peers. This is no different to adults in a work place or attending weddings, funerals etc. Clothes should suit the environment.

It's about providing support and guidance for clothing, it's suitability at different times and places. Just like you provide guidance about other parts of her life, no doubt.
Unfortunately girls wearing revealing clothes do (imo) give off an 'availablity' vibe and it does make them vulnerable to possibly unwanted male attention, which they may not be able to handle.
I have both a boy (6) and girl (8) - we talk about different clothes for different occasions ie older/stained clothes for mucky activities, wet weather gear for rain/playing in mud. With my daughter, trousers if we're going out in woodland as she's likely to go up trees!! Also some clothing (or lack of) is fine for pottering around at home but not when out.
As my children get older, I would continue to support outfit choices...... especially encouraging them to be individual, not wear clothes just because everyone else does! With some clothes, they simply wouldn't be bought in the first place, thus removing arguments!!

Why does certain clothing give off 'an availability vibe' exactly?
Are we only the slippery slope to 'she deserved it'?
(Yes, I know that's quite a bit further down the slope but it's the same slope imho).

Oh and if you do comment negatively you are “anti feminist” apparently

A vague statement like that is a bit meaningless tbh.
What exactly do you mean by 'comment negatively'?

It's worth having a general conversation about fashion Vs style too to empower girls not to be slaves to the fast fashion industry but find their own thing.

Agree with PP that guidance on appropriateness at specific occasions but steer the right course.

So going to a party with lots of other teens - wear what she likes. Travelling by bus or train on way there - suitable cover up if revealing - not because outfit isn't gorgeous just because there are creeps out there and it's good sense.

Going to a more formal event with adults - a bit more parental guidance but go with their vibe. So I would have guided don't show off arms, legs, shoulders and cleavage all at same time. Must me clean and appropriate to venue (eg restaurant says no ripped jeans) But then still might not have been exactly what I would choose but would embrace it.

Avoid any criticism ever - only guidance about what is appropriate for safety or based on occasion.

And sometimes they have to learn for themselves. A friend of DD had to go on school trip in school tracksuit because she came in ripped jeans which school had specifically said no to - either she wore the sports kit or missed the trip,

Dd argues that every time she has been harassed by adult men she is wearing low key clothes and no make up which is hard to refute

What's the safety issue?

Do you think that the clothes women and girls wear determine whether someone is going to rape or murder them?